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KAINJI DAM STORY
Mr. Taiwo came back from Abuja by road. He wanted to see Kainji Dam. When he got home, and when he had answered everyone’s questions about Abuja, he told them about Kainji Dam.
‘It has turned the land north of it into an enormous lake, hasn’t it?’ said Mrs. Taiwo.
‘Yes, whole villages have disappeared under the water,’ her husband answered.
‘What happened to the people who lived in those villages, Father?’ asked Sola. ‘They couldn’t be happy about it, could they?’
‘They are. Houses, even whole new villages were built for them on the land surrounding the dam,’ her father answered. ‘And it wasn’t only human beings who lost their original homes. Think of the birds which nested in the trees, and the small animals too who lived on the ground.’
‘A lot of animals must have drowned, mustn’t they? Poor things,’ said Mrs. Taiwo.
‘And the people who lived south of the dam suffered, too,’ continued Mr. Taiwo.
‘Why, Father?’ asked Segun.
‘Because what had been a big river with many fish, and plenty of water to irrigate their farms, turned into a very small river, didn’t it?’
‘So it wasn’t a very good idea after all, was it?’ said Segun. ‘Lots of people and animals and birds suffered so that we could have water, didn’t they?’
Mr. Taiwo shook his head, ‘No, you are wrong, Segun. It was a good idea, and very necessary. For not only does it give us water, it is one of the main sources of our electric power.’ He paused a moment, then continued, ‘The trouble is that when man alters nature, he always does harm as well as good, doesn’t he? Man himself must think very carefully before he interferers with nature. Nature cannot think for itself, can it?’
‘I think that Kainji Dam has done far more good than harm,’ said Mrs Taiwo, as she put the delicious dish of tilapia stew on the table. Her husband had brought the fish back from Kainji. ‘You see, it wasn’t such a bad idea to make Kainji Dam, was it?’ she said with a smile. Everyone burst out laughing. What Mrs Taiwo said was true, wasn’t it?
DIFFERENT WAYS OF WORSHIP
‘Chike’s friend, Abubakar, is a Muslim, isn’t he, Mother?’ Chinwe asked one day, when she was helping her mother at her stall in Onitsha Market. ‘Yes, dear,’ replied Mrs Dike, as she arranged her cloth.
‘He worships at a mosque, doesn’t he? Chinwe questioned again. ‘Yes, dear, on Fridays.’
Christians go to Church on Sundays, don’t they?’ Chinwe asked yet again. ‘Yes, of course they do. You know very well that Christians go to Church on Sundays. You go with your father and me every week, don’t you? Silly girl!’
‘Sorry to bother you, Mother, but I have to write an essay on the different religions in our country.’
‘Well, dear, Christians and Muslims worship one God, but they worship him differently.’
‘Muslims believe in the Prophet Mohammed and follow his teachings in the Koran, don’t they?’
‘That’s right, Chinwe, as we believe in God’s son, Jesus Christ, and follow his Koran, don’t they?’
‘That’s right, Chinwe, as we believe in God’s son, Jesus Christ, and follow his teachings in the Bible. Both the Christian and the Muslim religions show their followers the right way to behave to please God, so that they will go to heaven when they die,’ said Mrs Dike.
‘Then there are the people who still believe in the old traditional religions, aren’t there?’ Chinwe asked, as she helped her mother tidy up the pieces of cloth that she had been showing to a customer. ‘They worship many different gods, don’t they? She continued.
‘Yes, they do, dear, and they make carvings of them, and they worship at shrines or in groves.’
‘I’m glad our people worship in different ways. Aren’t you, mother? It makes life more interesting, doesn’t it?’
‘Yes, dear, it does. And we have always got on so well together, and what a good thing that is, isn’t it? I hope it will always remain the same,’ answered Mrs Dike.
WELCOME TO CLASS FOUR
‘You have not been to school for a few weeks have you, children? No, you have not, because you have been on holiday. Now it is September and you are starting a new term, and a new year, with a new textbook. When I was at school, I loved a brand new textbook. Do you too?’
‘I hope you have not forgotten what you read last year. Do you remember reading about Amina and Ahmadu, Chinwe and Chike, and Sola and Segun? What kind of children are they? Do you remember? Is Sola Segun’s sister or is she Ahmadu’s sister? I can hear you laughing. Of course she is not Ahmadu’s sister! Yes, Segun is her brother and they live with their parents in Ibadan. Last term Sola went shopping with her mother. They went to Lagos and brought a red shirt for Segun.’
‘What about Chinwe? She was a bridesmaid at her cousin’s wedding. Chike sent to spend some of the holidays with his uncle Anab and his Aunt Nneka. What did he help his uncle with? He helped him to plant yam. How did they get it to market? That’s right, they took it by van on the new road. Chinwe and Chike live in Onitsha with their parents, Mr and Mrs Dike. Mr. Dike is Chief Fire Officer at Enugu airport.’
‘Ahmadu lives with his sister Amina and the rest of his family near Abuja. Ahmadu wanted to be a farmer like his father, but changed his mind when he met a Fulani herdsman. “I want to keep cattle and travel all over Nigeria like this Fulani boy,” he decided, I wonder what Ahmadu will do when he is grown up, Amina loved the tie and dye lessons at school. Her mother took her to Kano where she wanted to see the dye pits, do you remember?
‘We shall read a lot more about Chinwe and Chike, Sola and Segun, Aminu and Ahmadu. I hope you will enjoy learning more about them and sharing in their adventures, joys and sorrows. Of course we will be reading about other things as well.
‘Dear me, look at the time! It is a quarter to nine and we have not started the lesson! So now we must start work. Do you have your pencils and pens? And your exercise books and your erasers? If any of you does not have an eraser, you may borrow mine, but only for today. I know you do not have textbooks yet, but I have some for you, Eta, will you come to my desk please, and hand round the textbooks.’
‘Oh dear, I do not have any chalk. I need some chalk, and a duster to clean the blackboard. Adamu, will you go to the store and get some pieces of chalk and a duster for me. Thank you…. Oh, here is my duster! I have found it. It was hiding behind your textbooks on my desk!’
THE LORRY WITHOUT BRAKES
Amina screamed! Malam Dala put his foot down on the brake pedal once again. Nothing happened. The lorry he was driving rushed down the hill. It went very, very fast. ‘Daddy!’ cried Amina, ‘We are going too fast. Can’t you go more slowly?’ ‘No I cannot!’ He knew there was a sharp bend at the bottom of the hill. He was very afraid. What could he do? He must stop the lorry traveling so fast, but how?
‘The gears!’ he said aloud. ‘They may slow the lorry down! The best brakes on the lorry are the gears. It says so in the Highway code.’ ‘Daddy, I’m frightened!’ cried Amina, ‘We must jump out.’
‘No we must not Amina, we would be killed, I can slow the lorry down if only I can change gear.’
With a mighty effort he changed down into third gear and the old lorry slowed down. But they were almost at the dangerous bend. He must slow the lorry down more. He made another mighty effort and with a grinding noise he changed down into second gear and the old lorry slowed down once more.
Malam Dala sighed with relief. He rounded the corner safely and on the flat road ahead he managed to stop the lorry.
‘Now you may jump out Amina; and I will too. It is not safe to ride in this lorry,’ and he wiped the sweat from his brow. ‘Praise be to Allah,’ he thought, ‘Amina and I might have been killed,’
Amina was still trembling with fright. Her father comforted her, then taking her hand he said, ‘We will have to walk.’
‘But how will we get home, Father? And you ought to take the rice to sell in the market.’
‘I must find a motor mechanic and I shall. He will mend the brakes on my lorry,’ he smiled down at her. ‘Never fear, little one, we can get the rice to market, ad we can get home safely tonight.’
Amina smiled up at her father, ‘May I tell Ahmadu?’ she asked.
‘Yes of course, you may,’ replied her father, ‘and he will be very sorry that he missed the adventure.’
When Mrs Dala heard about the ‘adventure’ she too praised Allah. Like her husband, she knew that it might have been a tragedy. She might have been mourning both husband and daughter.
MR. TAIWO’S FIRST JOURNEY BY AIR
Segun and Sola’s father, Mr. Taiwo, was flying to Abuja. The bank was opening a branch there. He said goodbye to his family in Ibadan and then he took the Expressway to Lagos. His plane was leaving at twelve noon, but he knew that he ought to be there one hour before take-off.
When he had checked in at the desk, he went into the transit lounge and soon he was boarding the aircraft. The Air hostess showed him into his seat, ‘You must fasten your safety belt, please, Sir,’ she said.
‘I cannot find it,’ Mr Taiwo was worried
‘I can, Sir,’ she replied, smiling as she found the two ends and fastened them together across Mr. Taiwo’s tummy.
The plane taxied along the runway gathering speed. It left the ground. Mr. Taiwo looked at the port hole. He was excited. How wonderful! He could see Lagos. The palms became little dots as the plane rose higher and higher. Then he heard a noise below him. He was frightened. What was it? The woman sitting next to him smiled and said, ‘It’s the undercarriage. They must lift up the wheels during flight.’
Mr. Taiwo smiled back. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘This is my first flight.’
‘I can tell,’ she answered smiling again.
He looked out of the window again. He could see whole villages and towns as they flew over them. ‘You can see Ibadan, that big city down there on the right,’ said the woman. ‘I ought to recognize it,’ replied Mr. Taiwo, ‘I live there. I knew it was a big city but…’
‘It looks different from air, doesn’t it?’ the woman said. Mr. Taiwo nodded. ‘I am working there, but in a few months I must move to Abuja.’ Soon they stopped talking and Mr. Taiwo’s eyes closed.
‘Fasten your safety belts, please’. The Air Hostess’s voice woke up Mr. Taiwo. ‘I can fasten it this time,’ replied Mr. Taiwo, smiling. They were soon landing. The ground rushed up, the plane bumped, the wheels ran along the runway. The engine roared, as the pilot put on the hydraulic brakes. The plane slowed down and taxied to the airport building.
Mr. Taiwo thought air travel was wonderful. He wrote a long letter to his wife and he didn’t leave anything out.
OLD IDANRE TOWN
Mr. and Mrs. Taiwo were taking their children to visit Idanre in Ondo State for the first time, and their father had told them all about it.
‘We will climb up all those steps to the Oba’s palace in the old town, won’t we?’ Sola asked Mr. Taiwo.
‘Yes, all six hundred of them,’ replied Sola’s father.
‘I can have a rest half way up, can’t I?’ asked Mrs Taiwo. Mr. Taiwo smiled, ‘Yes, you can. In five places, if you like.’
‘you will like that, won’t you, mother?’ said Sola.
Yes, I will,’ replied her mother.
‘You said, Father, that on reaching the top we will see the right foot-print of Agboogun.
It will be my size, won’t it?’ Segun asked.
‘Yes, it will, unless you are a wizard or a witch, so they say,’ replied his father. ‘And yet another legend is that one can see a boat on a lake. The boat has been there for years and years and never sinks. And another legend is that a mat spread on the ground by the founder of the town is still as fresh as when he first spread it there!
‘You can’t wait to get there, can you?!’ asked Mrs Taiwo, smiling.
‘No, we can’t,’ Sola and Segun replied.
CUBS AND BROWNIES
‘May we have our uniforms, mother?’ asked Chike.
‘No, you may not, dear. It’s next Saturday that you are to collect for the Motherless Babies Home and for going to Camp, isn’t it?’ asked Mrs Dike. She was teasing them, for she had pressed their uniforms the evening before.
‘No! it isn’t!’ Chinwe and Chike said together. And then they laughed when they saw the twinkle in their mother’s eyes.
‘We shan’t be late, shall we?’ said Chinwe speaking to nobody in particular.
Chinwe and Chike were very excited that Saturday morning as they dressed in their uniforms. Today was a big day for the Cubs and Brownies. This was the day they had been looking forward to for so long.
‘Oh, Mother!’ exclaimed Chinwe later, struggling with her tie. ‘You will help me tie this, won’t you?’
‘No, I won’t, I thought that was one of the skills you learnt in the Brownies,’ replied Mrs Dike. But she tied Chinwe’s tie!’ And have you both cleaned your sandals!’ she continued. ‘You couldn’t have forgotten, could you?’
‘Of course we couldn’t, Mother. Brownies and Cubs have to be cleans, neat and shining at all times,’ said Chike solemnly. He took being a member of the Cub Pack very seriously.
‘We can go now, can’t we, mother?’ Chike was anxious to be off.
‘No you can’t. You can go when I have checked that you both have your membership cards with you, and the cards where the people write down their names and the job you have one for them?’ Mrs Dike replied to her excited son. ‘And remember, be very polite to everybody, won’t you?’
‘Oh Mother! Of course we will. Our pack leaders have drilled us in how to behave to be an honour to our pack,’ said Chinwe, grabbing the last piece of yam left over from breakfast, as she ran off to follow Chike through the front door.
‘And don’t be too late back, will you?’ Mrs Dike call after them.
‘No, we won’t, mother,’ they shouted as they ran off down the road.
SOLA’S BIG FAMILY
‘Mother, Uncle Erabor isn’t your real brother, is he?’ Sola hoped not. She had not liked him!
‘No, he isn’t, dear. You know how it is where we come from. The term “family” often extends to people who come from the same district of the home town, or in the case of Uncle Erabor, the same village.’
‘He knows Grandma then, does he?’
‘Of course, he does.
‘Our family is a very big family, isn’t it?’ enquired Sola ‘With all father’s relatives and all yours.’
‘Most families all over Nigeria are very large. Not only in Edo and Yoruba land where our families come from. That is one of the good points about Nigerian culture that other countries envy. It’s good to know where you come from, isn’t it? It’s good to have roots.’
‘But we, I mean Father, you, Segun, Ade and I, aren’t we all family?;’
‘Of course we are, a very small but complete part of the whole.’ She pulled Sola down on the seat beside her. ‘It’s very nice to be part of an extended family, Sola’
‘Why?’ asked Sola.
‘Because you have so many people to love and to help you, haven’t you? And it teaches you to share with others, and that is very important in life. People who keep everything for themselves become greedy.’
Sola nodded her head, ‘Yes, I think I like being part of a very large, caring family,’ she said, ‘but there are one or two in the family that I’m not very fond of.’ And she smiled up at her mother, ‘I think there are one or two that you don’t like very much either, aren’t there, Mother?
Her mother smiled back at her daughter, but she said nothing.
THE SPOILT BABY
Joy was Chinwe’s baby sister and she was spoilt. Most babies are, aren’t they? But one day Chinwe was hot and tied and she really lost her temper with her little sister. ‘Joy! Must you always shave the last biscuit?’ she complained. Coconut rings were her favorite biscuits. Auntie had brought them some as a treat. Her Auntie Hannah was Mr. Dike’s sister, and she was Mrs. Dike’s best friend in Onitsha.
Joy nodded her head. She was always nodding her head. ‘Stop nodding your head, it’s rude,’ Chinwe ordered. ‘I do think you ought to let me have it sometimes,’ she continued.
And I am going to eat it today,’ laughed Chike. ‘No, you can’t,’ shouted joy. ‘Oh yes I can,’ replied Chike, as he snatched the biscuit from Joy.
Joy started to cry very loudly. Chinwe and Chike knew they must stop her crying, but they could not. They knew that their mother would come to see what the matter was. She did and she was angry, ‘What is the matter?’ she asked. She was shouting. She had to shout above the noise!
Chike and Chinwe spoke at once. Joy cried louder, Mrs Dike could not understand a word. She picked up Joy. ‘You must speak one at a time or I cannot hear you,’ she shouted and turning to Chike she said, ‘You are the eldest, so you may speak first.’
Mrs. Dike listened to each child in turn. Then she spoke. “You are naughty to quarrel, children. You, Chinwe, ought to have asked Joy nicely. You should have said, “May I have the biscuit please,” and I am sure that she would have given you the biscuit. And you, Chike, you are the eldest, you should know better. You know that it is rude to snatch. And you, Joy, you are a spoilt little girl. You should be nice to your sister and brother. Nobody will like you if you are greedy and rude. Now children, you must stay here until I tell you to go. Oh dear I must run to the kitchen. The pot will have boiled dry.’
YANKARI GAME RESERVE
Uncle Osifo was visiting the Dikes, and Chinwe and Chike were asking him all about the Yankari Game Reserve where he was a warden.
‘No, Chike, the rainy season is not a good time to visit the reserve. It is better to visit at the change of seasons, but it is best to go there during the dry season.’
Why is that, Uncle?’ asked Chinwe.
‘Because during the rains the animals spread out over the most ground. And the grass is at its tallest, making it most difficult to spot the animals. At the change of seasons they roam over less ground than they do in the rains, but more ground than they do in the dry.’
‘Why is that, uncle Osifo?’ Chike asked.
‘I know!’ said Chinwe, ‘They are more thirsty and go to the riverside where there is the most water.’
‘Clever girl,’ said their uncle with a smile.
‘What sorts of animals are there at Yankari, Uncle?’ Chike asked.
‘The lion, elephant, buffalo, waterbuck, hartebeest, warthog, hippopotamus and cheetah,’ uncle replied.
‘Are elephants more fleshy than lions, uncle?’ asked Chinwe.
‘Yes, but I think the fleshy is the hippopotamus,’ replied their uncle.
‘They really are fat. I suppose it is because they can’t move very fast,’ said Chike, thoughtfully.
‘Waterbucks and hartebeests are more speedy,’ Chinwe said.
‘Yes, but the most speedy are the cats, the lions and cheetahs. They can run faster than any other animals in the park,’ Uncle Osifo said.
‘Faster than the deer?’ Chinwe had always thought that the deer ran the fastest of all animals.
‘But buffalos can run very fast. And they are heavier than most fast animals,’ said Chike.
Uncle Osifo sighed. So many questions! He was tired. ‘The best thing, Chike and Chinwe, is to come to Yankari and see for yourselves.’
‘When can we come, Uncle?’ Chike and Chinwe asked in unison.
‘You shall have to wait until you are older,’ said Mrs Dike, firmly.
AMINA AT THE CLINIC
Amina had fever; so her mother had taken her to the Clinic. The nurse felt Amina’s forehead. ‘She has fever; her head is totter than normal. I will take her temperature,’ said the nurse, as she picked up a thermometer from the table and put it under Amina’s arm. She looked at her watch, taking Amina’s wrist in her hand, and felt her pulse. After two minutes she looked at the thermometer. ‘A hundred and one,’ she said to Alhaja Dala. ‘Poor Amina, have you a bad headache? Does your body ache too? Your temperature is higher than normal.’
Amina nodded. She felt ill, and tears came into her eyes.
‘Never mind, dear. Now stop crying, you must behave sensibly. I am going to give you some medicine that will bring your temperature lower and make you feel better.’ She turned to Alhaja Dala, ‘I could give her the syrup if I had it, because it works quicker than the tablets please give her an injection nurse,’ said Amina’s mother. She wanted Amina well again.
Amina’s tears ran down her cheeks. She felt so ill and unhappy and afraid. She cried large tears.
The nurse smiled at her, holding out two pills and a glass of water, ‘Take these, dear.’ She turned to Alhaja Dala, Don’t worry. These will work more slowly, but she is not very ill. She doesn’t need an injection this time.’
Amina swallowed her pills more quickly than she usually did. She didn’t want the nurse to change her mind!
‘There you are, Amina. Your mother will put you to bed when you get home.’ The nurse turned to Alhaja Dala, ‘And give her plenty of water.’
‘Good-bye, Amina. And remember, a little girl is braver than a baby. Babies are more afraid of injection,’ said the nurse, but she smiled kindly at poor Amina.
FAMILY TYPES
‘This morning, children, I am going to talk to you about the different types of families that we have in this very large country of ours. I want everyone to listen very carefully and then write me a short essay about their own families. Are you ready? Then I will begin.’
‘There are three types of family that can be found in Nigeria. One, the nuclear family. Some of you come from this type of family. In this family there is one father, one mother and their child or children living together. Number two, the polygamous family. Other members of the class will live in this sort of family, where there is one father, two or more mothers and all the children from each mother living together as a unit. Number three, the extended family . Everybody knows that Africa is famous for this kind of family. It includes not only parents and their children, but grand parents, aunties, uncles, cousins and in-laws. All live together as a unit, either in one house or in the compound.’
Alhaja Audu continued, ‘You can find examples of these three types of family in any part of our country and among all ethnic groups. Children, for your Civics homework I want you each to write me an essay telling me all about your own families. Which group they belong to. How many sisters and brothers you have.
How many uncles and aunts, cousins, sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, you have and if you have any nieces or nephews. If you cannot write about all of them, write about some of them. But first, remember I want everyone to tell me which kind of family theirs belongs t. And remember, I don’t want any family group left out. Now, has anyone any questions?’
THE JOY OF FARMING:
‘You know, Naira,’ said Akin, straightening his back for a moment to look round the farm, ‘it’s like a miracle to me.’ Naira nodded in agreement while he too stopped work for a minute to look around him. ‘Not bad, not bad at all as neither of us can come more than a couple of evenings during the week, although we both come at the weekends,’ He suddenly laughed, surprising Akin.
‘Whatever is the matter with you?’ Akin asked his friend, but he was laughing too. They were both laughing.
‘What am I laughing for?’ said Naira, as each one of them sat down on some of the heaps they were preparing for the yams.
‘I wouldn’t say this to anybody else, Akin, but I am enjoying farming!’ And he laughed once again.
‘Oh, do stop laughing!’ said Akin, struggling to his feet. ‘We must finish this row before we go, and I must hurry home. I think Auntie is getting worried about my staying so late at school these days. I don’t want her going to either my form master or the Principal about it. I don’t want her to complain to anybody about my late hours.’
‘No, you don’t,’ said Naira, and his laughter died away. ‘You’re not letting this farming interfere with your school work, are you? I know this farm means a lot to you, but first things first, you know,’ Naira looked seriously at his friend. They both looked at each other.
‘Naira, tell me truly, would you like to have gone to school, university, perhaps? Asked Akin.
‘No! No! No! Neither. Book learning isn’t for me. I want none of it,’ said Naira with a little laugh. But he did not meet Akin’s eyes. They each kept silent, not saying anything for a long time.
THE WATER MONSTER
All the people of Opobo are excited when King Jaja’s bell peals at midnight on December 31st. None of the inhabitants is asleep. It rings in the New Year, but it is also a signal for the Carnival festivities to begin. These festivities are long and interesting and everybody has a part to play. Everyone is a member of one of the various clubs of the Opobo people. Some perform cultural dances round the town, and some perform plays, stories of the ancient myths that have been handed down by word of mouth from one generation to the next.
One of the best of these is the drama, ‘Mingy Oporopo’, which means, ‘water pig’, Mingy Oporopo was a monster which harassed the fishermen of the Opobo river. Kaligbo Obunjigba was a brave fisherman. Nobody was as brave. He decided to make the river safe or to die in the attempt. He and two of his servants set out to hunt the monster. Neither the two servants nor the canoe boy could refuse to go with their master, but each was very afraid. Everybody else was too. Anyone would be. But nobody dared to say so.
‘Is anyone hungry?’ asks Kaligbo during the night. Each one of the servants say they are. So Kaligbo casts his net for fish. But his canoe boy is clumsy and frightens the fish away, so they can’t catch any. Kaligbo is angry and shouts at the boy. Neither he nor the boy can keep their balance and both fall into the water. Then they cast their net again and catch a big fish. But just as they are about to eat some of their catch, the monster, Mingy Oporopo, appears and tries to steal the fish. Kaligbo Obunjigba is neither taken by surprise nor afraid and kills the monster with his fishing spear before it can eat any. That is how he frees each and everyone of the people from the terror of Mingy Oporopo.
Of course the play is not performed in the river, but in the Amanyanabo’s compound. Neither is the monster real. Either you like plays or you don’t, but ‘Mingy Oporopo’ reminds the people of Opobo of their motto: ‘Mingy Chekri Fagha’ – ‘Deep down, we are still what we are.’
One and all enjoy the festivities although some may pretend not to and others pretend to be too old!
THE PAST RELATIONSHIP THAT IS ECHOING BACK:
Alice was ready. Her excitement had been growing ever since she’d emerged sleepily from under her pastel patchwork duvet, kissed her husband good morning and moved energetically into action with the morning’s jobs.
Soon, an appropriately healthy breakfast was prepared with orange juice, croissants and an immaculately ironed shirt put out for him to wear to work.
She noted with approval the twinkle in John’s eyes this morning and that he was looking exceptionally dapper in his grey suit and light blue tie. Perhaps she should have stayed in bed longer – but then she dismissed the idea. There were too many things to do.
John looked down at her, as she waited at the front door for him to say his goodbyes and leave for work.
“You just can’t wait to play with your new toy,” he commented, wryly.
Alice patted her tightly curled fair hair in front of the hall mirror and gazed back at him, pertly. Her blue eyes were full of anticipation and her voice was determined.
“Last week passed by so quickly with so many things happening that I didn’t get a chance to do much. This week, it’s going to reveal all its secrets.”
Her voice was high pitched, almost like a child’s. In the past, John knew that many people hadn’t taken her seriously – and had lived to rue their mistake.
“And if it doesn’t reveal its secrets, it had better watch out,” said John, smiling. Alice liked everything to be in its place, tidy and under control. It wasn’t that she was obsessive; it was just that everything, animate and inanimate, seemed to find it easier to go along with what she wanted.
Minutes later, John was gone and Alice was showered, made up and dressed in a smart blue pastel skirt with matching blouse and ready for adventure.
Alice’s new computer purred into life. She selected her email client to see if there were any messages. A few of her friends at the rifle club already used email and she’d told them that she would soon be online and given them her address. The screen registered one message, which she double clicked with anticipation.
From: Karl
To: Alice
Subject: ‘I bet you’re surprised to hear from me!’
Alice’s brow wrinkled. She didn’t know anybody called Karl. Certainly there were no Karls in her close-knit local circle of friends. She read further.
It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other but I’ve often thought about you and wondered how you were getting on. If you still don’t know who I am, look a little further down and you’ll see my picture. There’s a photo of how I looked when you knew me before and also a photo of how I look now which will be helpful if you agree for us to meet.
Alice scrolled down the page and two photographs came into view. Suddenly, it was as if a whirlwind had entered her life and drawn all the breath from her body. Her heart was pounding and her blue eyes were moist.
She pushed her chair back on its castors away from the machine. She needed breathing space and time to think. She looked cautiously back at the computer as it sat on the specially purchased desk in her tidy spare bedroom and organized life. But the message was still there.
Questions struggled into her mind.
How had he found her?
Was it a coincidence that he’d made contact when she had just got this new machine?
More than anything else, what did he want! Alice had no doubt that he wanted something. Karl didn’t do anything without a reason.
She drew her chair up to the screen again. On the left was a young man in his early ’20s, his jet-black wavy hair perfectly combed into place to complement his perfect classical Greek features. His eyes seemed black in the picture but Alice knew that they were dreamy, greeny grey and able to melt a girl’s heart at a 1,000 paces.
He was smiling his usual arrogant smile and his arms were looped around the shoulders of two girls also in their early ’20s. On the left, was a much younger version of Alice and, on the right, her best friend of the time, Greta.
In the later picture, Karls face had broadened with the passing of the years but maturity only served to enhance the appearance of strength and power. His hair was thinner but his features were no less chiseled and he was standing in a book-lined library looking like an international tycoon.
Alice had little doubt that the appearance probably understated reality. In everything, he’d been a natural born winner. His grades were always the highest at university. His car was always the fastest and when vacation jobs had to be found, he’d a talent for finding the one that was not only exciting but also highly remunerative.
They’d met one summer on a Greek island at an extended villa party of a mutual, and undeniably wealthy, friend.
The girls there loved him and were drawn to him like a magnet, which to Alice was the very best reason to keep him at arms length.
Alice dragged her eyes away from his picture. The effect on her was too powerful and unsettling. She shouldn’t feel like this, after so many years of being happily married to John.
But she knew that the truth was that, despite the passing of the years, her feelings for Karl were so intense that even to look at his photograph made her feel she was being unfaithful – again.
Alice scrolled down the email that she’d just received from Karl to see if she could find any indication of why he’d contacted her but to no avail.
There was just one more line:
I know that this will be a surprise to you but please email me back and agree to meet.
Alice’s breathing was slowly coming under control and the pounding of her heart subsiding.
For a long moment, she wondered whether she could ignore his message. After all, it could have been lost in cyberspace. He wouldn’t know that she’d received it. Life could go on as if nothing had happened. She would always wonder what he’d wanted but it would be a daydream not reality. There was no danger in daydreams – unlike reality.
But she knew that she would have to reply. Alice didn’t like leaving matters outstanding. Just to delete the email would be too easy and it would lack finality and completion. Also, she’d bought this new computer with its access to the Internet for adventure. She’d not known what form and manner it would take nor that it would tempt her with a voice from the past. But, the essence of adventure was to rise to the challenge and Alice knew she was intrigued.
She moved her chair closer to the screen, patted her hair and neatly typed a brief reply.
To:Karl
From: Alice
From: Alice
Subject: ‘What a pleasant surprise!’
Dear Karl
‘A lot of time has passed since we last met and I’ve been happily married for quite a few years. Your email prompted so many questions. How did you find me? What have you been doing in the years since we last met?
Regards
Alice
She held the mouse pointer over the send button for a whole minute before deciding to click and dispatch the email. It seemed a big step, although she didn’t know why.
By the time she’d had a cup of tea to help recover her composure, drunk it and returned to the computer, Karl’s reply was waiting.
From: Karl
To: Alice
To: Alice
Subject: Re: What a pleasant surprise!
When you registered for your email service, you were automatically recorded in a directory of all email users. I have a standing request in my computer, to check that directory whenever I log on. I knew that one day you would join the world of cyberspace and guessed that you would eventually marry John, which gave the second part of your name.
I’d like very much for us to meet and perhaps discuss plans for a reunion of the island party where we first met. I’ll be in Central London today. Please let me buy you lunch and we can talk about old times and perhaps make some plans.
Karl
From:Alice
To: Karl
To: Karl
Subject: You always were a charmer!
Much against my best judgment, where shall we meet?
All the best
Alice’s heart was pounding as she pressed the send button and there was a melting feeling inside her as she waited impatiently for his reply. When it came, she was not surprised to find that the venue he suggested was one of the most expensive hotel restaurants in London. She would have preferred that it hadn’t been in a hotel and for a fleeting moment almost decided not to go. But it was as if her mind and body were taken over by a compulsion that defied any of her usual rules or understanding.
She emailed back her acceptance, changed into some clothes that were more appropriate to the opulent venue and within an hour was on the train heading for Central London. It was all so much of a rush and not at all in keeping with the tidy, organized way she normally ran her life. As she headed with quick decisive steps to the railway station, she realized that when she’d got changed, she’d also taken a shower. This in itself was nothing special – except that it was the second one she’d had that morning.
As the train swept along the track, between the high earthen banks and past the bleak red brick suburban houses in its headlong rush into the bustling hive of London, memories flooded back to Alice.
All those years ago, he’d been waiting at the airport of that remote island seated in an open topped car with an engine that growled with power.
Alice had travelled from England with her friend Greta and from those first moments of their meeting it was crystal clear that Greta had decided she was made for Karl. Greta had long black hair and a slender figure and was much taller than Alice’s five foot five inches. She had a languid sensuousness that looked expensive and which contrasted strongly with Alice’s more homely appearance. As Greta slid her slender figure into the front seat, her already short dress rode up giving glimpses of her long shapely thighs which Alice knew was exactly what Greta intended.
By the evening, the holiday party of 20 young people was in full swing. Greta and Karl had their arms around each other and at the disco, their lips were soon glued together. The setting for the disco was in a small secluded bay with improvised lights, an improvised dance floor and an improvised bar. It had a rustic temporary quality that couldn’t have survived anywhere else but seemed natural in the baking heat. To Alice it was idyllic. That night the people in the party got to know each other. Many of them were friends from college and others had joined the group from newly won jobs in the city. They were young, full of confidence and full of life. Most of them had just graduated and felt the world was their oyster.
John was there too and it was he who took her for a walk along the seashore on that first night which Alice tactfully shortened when she saw her friend Greta and Karl in a sandy hollow moving in time with the waves that lapped against the seashore only a few feet away.
John and Alice eventually kissed each other too on that starry night – but only briefly and soon afterwards they returned to the party.
The next day was bright and sunny. The blue sea shimmered and the scent of Cypress trees and olive groves vied with the morning aroma of freshly ground coffee as the group gathered together for breakfast on the patio overlooking the sea.
Greta looked crumpled, as if she hadn’t slept a wink. Karl looked proud and impossibly svelte with fresh white shorts and an uncovered back that was scored with the evidence of his night’s triumphs with Greta. His eyes too were impossibly fresh and his smile relaxed.
The next fortnight went by in a haze of sun, sea, sand and, even for Alice, some love making. John and she became close – because it seemed natural. Their relationship grew from an understanding and companionship that eventually overcame their awkwardness. There were some magic moments in the evenings when the red lights were shining all around and the waves rolled in across the beach and the smell of the olive trees was pungent in the air. Even for Alice, who was reserved in these things, shorts gave way to a perpetual bikini bottom, even occasionally worn without a top.
Then it was time for some of the visitors to leave. Alice was staying but Greta had to go. It was a cause for sadness but also for celebration
The villa with its swimming pool, olive trees and views of the sandy cove was the scene for the going away party. It started early, with a barbecue and drinks and remained relatively subdued until the Retsina drinking contest. Alice got knocked out relatively quickly but not before her legs had grown distinctly wobbly under the influence of the strong woody flavoured drink.
Everyone was in everyone else’s arms and the tears and long goodbyes were flowing freely. Midnight came and went, followed by one o’clock and in the night’s haze, two o’clock.
Alice was just coaxing John to his feet with the suggestion that it was time to squeeze together into John’s single bed when somebody started a conga. She was still bent over kissing and coaxing John to his feet when the conga came up behind her and she felt a hard slap on her behind. She turned around angrily only to meet the amused eyes of Karl who immediately swept her up before him.
Perhaps he guessed that he’d hit her too hard because for the rest of the conga when his hands were not around her waist they were busy caressing the part that he’d just assaulted.
In her alcoholic haze, the shock for Alice was not so much the affront to her dignity but the surprise she felt as her heart went into overdrive and his hands created delicious sensations that poured down her legs and shot all the way up to the tips of her fingers.
The next day, after a restless night that lasted well into the next morning, Alice said goodbye to Greta and went off to the seashore to find a secluded hollow in which to sunbathe. Greta was going to the airport with Karl and John had gone off to sightsee some archaeology.
Lying face down in her sandy hollow, Alice felt in heaven. The scent from the Cypress trees was strong this morning and the music of the waves on the seashore echoed in counterpoint with the wind through the trees.
Everybody else was busy doing their own thing and Alice was content with her own company and thoughts. Suddenly a shadow fell across her back. Some sixth sense told her it was Karl even before he spoke.
“A beautiful lady slumbering in a sea of sand,” he commented poetically, his deep voice booming with the sound of the waves.
“I thought you were seeing Greta off.” Alice didn’t turn her head to look at him.
“She’s swapping addresses and telephone numbers with some of the others. I saw you coming over here and came to say hello.”
“Alice still didn’t turn round.
“Like you said hello last night!” Her voice was dreamy – but sharp.
“I thought I’d made it better again.”
“You did … a bit.”
Alice still hadn’t turned her head to look at him.
She felt his finger tickle the back of her neck as if to attract her attention. The sensation rippled across her back and down her legs making her wriggle involuntarily.
His shadow above her grew and the tip of his tongue joined his finger, turning the rivulet of sensations into a torrent. In the haze of sunshine, the sound of the sea and the tickling sensation of the sand, she felt his strong chest mould into her back. His lips were now kissing her from her neck to her shoulder blades and her bikini bottom was not designed to offer a defense. Time lost its meaning and then at long last the hot lava stream of Alice’s sensations erupted and her own personal volcano overflowed.
Shortly afterwards, Karl left as quietly as he came and Alice went contentedly to cool off with a leisurely and blissfully swim.
For the rest of the holiday, Alice was intensely aware of Karl. She caught sight of herself reflected in a mirror one night when they were eating out. Karl was on the other side of the room and as usual surrounded by a bevy of girls. Alice and John were at a table by themselves. To her annoyance, Alice saw in the mirror that her whole body was pointed in the Karl’s direction like a wild animal quivering at his scent on the breeze.
Karl was always affable when they met. His smoky green eyes would light up and his hand would reach out to delicately tickle the back of her neck. It was a reminder of their brief time together that never failed to make Alice blush. And she hated even more the fact that her blush was accompanied by a really wide self-conscious smile.
John didn’t seem to have any inkling of what had taken place between Alice and Karl. Although he did seem particularly keen that Alice should accompany him on his future tours around the island.
Karl remained happy to spread his charms around the rest of the girls for the rest of the holiday, which was what Karl did best.
“Just save the last dance for me, before you go home,” was his only reference to their fleeting relationship as they passed each other on the slopes of the tree-lined hill that led up to the villa.
The last night of their holiday was designed to be the party of all parties. The group by now was closely bonded with many relationships formed, and separated and some even formed again. The culture dictated that the evening start with a barbecue and then continue with the now obligatory Retsina drinking contest.
The night was warm and the moonlight was bright. Somebody had found a candle shop in the local town and had spent an hour and a half lighting the swimming pool area with their flickering light. There was also the strong sweet smell of a more alternative intoxicant than Retsina to blend with the cypress trees and olive groves. A portable tape player pounded out rock and roll alternately with dream music. There was dancing on the patio, besides the pool and in it.
Few bothered to dress up. John was wearing shorts and open toed sandals, as were most of the other men. Alice had chosen to wear a simple one piece straight dress with a diamond pattern of reds and greens and a hem that ended far enough away from her knees that she had a chance of staying cool. She also thought that there might be some skinny dipping later and wearing a dress meant she’d have an excuse not to participate.
John seemed preoccupied for much of the night. He’d a big interview for a new job on returning to London and his mind was already beginning to go over the details. He’d been very attentive to Alice recently, which was kind of nice, but it was a relationship without highs and lows. Alice suspected that if he was successful at his interview and won a higher salary, he would probably ask her to marry him. She wasn’t sure but she thought that her answer would probably be ‘yes’.
At around about 2.00 in the morning, John had fallen asleep with his head on Alice’s shoulder. He was beginning to feel heavy, so Alice eased herself away from him and decided to go for one last look at the bay in the moonlight. The trees stood out like sentinels as she padded through the night towards the viewpoint.
Under the stars, the sea looked like a shifting animal, heaving and swelling in the darkness. Apart from the moon and the stars, the only lights were from the masts of the small sailing ships moored in the shelter of the cove.
It wasn’t long before Alice felt a tickle at the back of her neck, as she’d known she would. This time she turned to face Karl. Their lips met in a searing kiss and their arms entwined and held each other close. In seconds, Alice could feel her body melting and the white heat of her desire for him encompassing every particle of her being. He too was ready for her and with her back to a cypress tree, time once again lost its meaning and nature all around seem to hold its breath as her mind dissolved in a sea of sighs.
Then he was gone and Alice returned to the party, snuggled contentedly down besides the gently snoring John and slept her last night at the villa besides the pool.
The underground train rattled and shook Alice over the last lap of her journey. Gone now were the memories of that holiday on the Greek island with its intoxicating smells, sounds and company.
Instead, a mountain of foreboding and indecision replaced these memories. Alice knew that twice before she had been drawn irresistibly into the flame of Karl’s passion and had reveled in its combustion.
Although many years had now passed, she knew that her attraction to Karl was just as strong as ever but also that the flame now had an infinitely greater capacity to burn.
She knew that to see Karl again was a mistake. To see Karl over lunch and alone was an even bigger mistake. To agree to meet him at a Central London hotel meant only one thing. If she doubted this, she only needed to consider the length of time she’d spent in front of the mirror before putting her dress on. Through all her confusion, some small part of her where common sense still prevailed, acknowledged that spending all that time in front of the mirror meant only one thing. It was not only the soft, silky green, shimmering dress that she’d put on that was meant to be seen.
Yet she was drawn to Karl irresistibly and as each mile passed and she grew closer to him, her pulse raced faster. The train continued with its twisting and turning through the underground corridors of London and inexorably she felt the mounting excitement of a racing pigeon almost home after a long and lonely journey.
Alice had always believed in marital fidelity. She also believed in rules. She believed that to be unfaithful to John was wrong. All this was completely clear in her mind but she also knew that Karl probably had a room at the hotel. How could she not avoid saying ‘yes’ if he invited her there? How could she say ‘no’ and live with the certain knowledge of those missed moments.
The fresh air as she emerged from the underground station at Hyde Park Corner was refreshing but did nothing to clear her mind.
Her journey had been timed to perfection and she knew inside the hotel Karl would now be waiting for her near the reception desk. Suddenly, as she came close to the hotel, she turned and walked away. At first her steps were quick and purposeful; she’d made up her mind. Then they slowed gradually until she was just standing. Finally, like an automaton, she found she’d turned and was slowly walking back.
She felt defeated, as she walked past the attendant and through the great doors of the hotel, as it she’d just lost a great battle.
She scanned the foyer for signs of Karl but he was nowhere to be seen. If she could break the chain of events, perhaps she could stay in control. It always started with the hand on the back of the neck and as she crossed the foyer to the reception desk, she continually scanned around her to avoid being caught unawares.
The receptionist, a small man with weasel eyes, seem to look right through her and Alice felt her ears starting to burn.
She gave her name and the man nodded, sagely. He was used to beautiful smartly dressed ladies appearing at his desk en route to lunchtime assignations.
Then Alice felt the hand at the back of her neck and knew that she had failed her first test. The chain was still intact and she turned to face the smiling Karl with resignation.
“Has it been too long for us to welcome each other with a kiss,” he said, formally. The emailed photograph hadn’t done his appearance justice. Alice’s legs were immediately weak and she was unable to speak.
As a compromise, she offered her cheek and he duly complied. Formal though it was, it didn’t prevent a shiver running through her body.
“Where are we eating?” Alice needed to know that they were going to be somewhere public at least to begin with.
“Let go through to the dining room,” said Karl, reassuringly.
Minutes later they were seated in the window of the plushest dining room that Alice had ever seen. All around, well-dressed diners tucked into well-dressed plates apparently with nothing but pleasure on their minds. For Alice, it was like standing at the top of a perilous mountain, knowing that the only way to go from here was down.
“Thanks for agreeing to see me,” said Karl, “I understand that, for a married woman, it must feel strange being here.”
Alice nodded and managed a smile.
“Perhaps, to start with, I should put your mind at rest by telling you the reason I wanted you here.”
“I’m planning a sort of reunion,” said Karl.
Alice stared at him blankly.
“A reunion for what?”
“All the people that were at that memorable holiday on that Greek island. I’m talking to people who were there to see if they would like to do it again. It would be rather like a class reunion but more fun.”
A feeling of relief but also disappointment spread from Alice’s heart outwards until it reached the tips of her ears and the furthest extremities of her toes.
She felt relieved because she wouldn’t now be under pressure to do what she really wanted to do which was to wrap her arms around this well-dressed man in his smart suit and golden wrist watch and succumb willingly to his wandering hands.
She felt sad because sometimes the things that are right are not always what you really want.
“I think that would be very nice,” she said, simply.
“In fact, you were the most difficult to find and are about the last in the list so I’ve already got lots of gossip for you.”
Alice giggled, self-consciously, and touched her hair.
“And I thought you were inviting me here because you couldn’t forget me and your only intention was seduction.”
Karl gazed at her cautiously, playing with his gold wristwatch.
“And how would you have felt about that,” he enquired. His voice was gruff.
“It would have been against my will and better judgment but quite possibly with my co-operation, so it’s quite a relief that you’ve other things in mind and it’s nice that I can now feel relaxed.”
Their meals arrived, together with one of the tastiest red wines that Alice had ever experienced. Karl chatted amiably, bringing her up to date with the news of who had married whom and, as far as he could remember, the numbers of children they’d had.
“Would you consider going back to the island for the reunion?” Alice asked at last. They were just finishing dessert.
“It’s funny you should say that because your friend Greta in the photograph asked me that only yesterday,” laughed Karl. “It would be a fantastic idea, wouldn’t it?”
“But you said that she now had three children and a husband,” said Alice. “It would be rather a lot of people to take over to a Greek island.”
“For that reason, we agreed it was a nice idea but impracticable. After much thought and a great deal of consultation, I think I’ve a better idea.”
“I’m all ears,” said Alice.
“What I am proposing is that we take over the penthouse suite here at this hotel with its excellent swimming pool and roof garden for a weekend. It has loads of rooms, excellent service and we can throw a party to end all parties. We could even import the Retsina specially.”
“It sounds absolutely wonderful,” sparkled Alice.
“Since we’ve finished the meal, would you like to go up and see it? I have the keys.”
So now Karl had said the magic words that Alice had dreaded so much. But, after the beautiful meal, the excellent wine and with the reassuring explanation about his intentions, she agreed.
Fifteen minutes later, they were strolling through the gardens on the roof and admiring the light as it reflected through the glass ceiling into the swimming pool.
Then they sat on its huge balcony with London lying at their feet, admiring the view. Alice felt warm, well fed and looked after. When he touched the back of her neck and asked if she minded if he kissed her, she replied, cautiously, “Why not – for old times sake?”
He leaned over and found her lips with his, resting them on hers with little movement and the lightest of pressure. It was not seductive. It was hardly a preliminary to seduction.
Alice leaned back away from him.
“So you had no intention of bringing me here to seduce me?”
“None at all! But I have to admit that kiss was very nice.”
“For me too. You’re still a handsome man.”
“And you are still a very good looking woman.”
Alice stood up and twirled around.
“Not such a bad figure after so many years,” she said, proudly.
“You remember the game we played, occasionally, at the villa. We called it ‘double dare’, I think,” said Karl.
“The game involved daring somebody to do something silly in return for accepting their dare, I seem to remember,” said Alice, pertly.
“It was fun,” said Karl, his eyes twinkling.
“And what dare did you have in mind,” asked Alice. “It might be something I don’t want to do.”
Karl’s smile was now ingratiating. His hand reached up and slicked back his dark hair, eyes glittering like a wolf.
“Go on, I dare you to remove your dress, I bet your figure is still as gorgeous as it was all those years ago on that sunny beach.”
“Was I really gorgeous or was I just another conquest?” parried Alice. She tried to smile, as if unconcerned, but knew she wasn’t succeeding.
The hypnotic sound of Karl’s voice and the way he’d complimented her was delicious. It was a long time since anybody had spoken to her like that. Her pulse was racing and her breathing had almost stopped. She knew it was time to walk away from this handsome, powerful man. Unaccountably, in the distance, a voice that sounded too much like hers was already replying.
“And in return, I will be allowed to see how much your physique has been affected over the years. No doubt your life style has been extremely disreputable?”
His strong hands were on her slender shoulders, his dark eyes peered directly into her soul and his voice worked hard to reassure.
“Naturally.”
She shrugged off his hands, sharply, and stepped back.
“And this is definitely not part of your standard seduction routine?” Her words sounded so ridiculous.
His hands were open, before him. His voice reassuring.
“I know that you are special to me, like your friend, Greta, and you are securely married with a family. What sort of person would be willing to risk damaging that?”
He sounded so convincing.
“All right,” said Alice, contritely. “Do you want me to go first?”
“We can go together,” he said eagerly.
Time suddenly seemed to stand still. With their eyes locked together, besides the swimming pool, and under the reflected light of the sun filtered through the glass roof, they silently complied with the ‘double dare’.
Soon two articles of wispy purple lace were all that covered Alice’s small but beautifully proportioned body.
Karl rested his thumbs inside the top of his briefs, muscles rippling in his bare arms and chest, posing.
“Not so bad as you thought, eh!”
“Pretty good for your age,” Alice agreed. But, inside her, a voice was screaming “What a hunk!”
“And now I dare you for one small kiss,” said Karl gazing appreciatively.
He stepped forward so the hairs on his chest tantalized and tickled her front.
Huskily, somehow, she managed to reply. “Under the rules, and only if it’s part of the dare, reluctantly, I accept.”
They kissed and the outside world disappeared far away from their own, private, personal universe. As their skin became one, Alice felt her heart pounding as if it were ready to explode. She hardly held him but his hands delicately traced her back from shoulders to thigh sending ripples of sensation through her whole body.
A lifetime later, their lips lingeringly parted.
“You are so beautiful,” whispered Karl.
“My dare now,” she said, quietly.
“Anything!” Karl’s voice was already hoarse with desire.
“Let me go and stand away from me. Then I will turn round once, if you will.”
Karl looked puzzled.
“Go on, it’s the rules of the dare.”
Still looking puzzled, Karl stepped back and slowly turned around, as Alice had requested.
Alice looked at him closely and suddenly felt very sad.
To complete her part of the dare, slowly she pirouetted, with her head tilted to one side, almost resting on her shoulder. Her eyes full of mystery but also a strange resolve.
She knew now what she was going to do.
Facing him again, she reached for her dress and slipped it back on. Stepping forward decisively, she kissed the surprised Karl on the lips and before he could object, was gone from the penthouse.
Later that evening, she was surfing the Internet when an email came through from Karl.
To:Alice
From: Karl
From: Karl
Subject: What did I do wrong?
There was no text in the body of the message.
Alice wrote back, with a smile still playing on her lips.
To: Karl
From: Alice
From: Alice
Subject: What you did wrong …
I recognized Greta’s trade mark scratches on your back and realized that the only reunion you were after was a reunion with your island conquests – and if they were married, for you, that only made the chase more interesting.
Alice wondered how long Karl would keep writing hoping for her to change her mind. Her smile broadened.
“The longer the better,” she thought happily.
Her email filter would automatically detect and delete any further emails he sent.
Alice was content. Her new computer system made matters so neat and tidy. Karl was now firmly back in the past, out of sight and out of mind.
FIRST TIME EXPERIENCE
I always was one of those people who thought I wouldn’t ever have a boyfriend. I came from a strict religious family who would never have been okay with it. But because I grew up with family like that it never really bothered me, after all being single was all I knew. Through out high school I had a lot of admirers, and one by one I turned them all down- even a couple of times when two of guys I had fancied had asked me out (at different times of course). I knew what I felt wasn’t strong enough to break my rule of not dating a guy.
Then one day I was moved to a new class along with several other people. I really liked a guy in my new class but he seemed too amazing to ever want to be with me. He was also from a religious background so the idea of being together wasn’t even on my mind. After some time, he came up to me one day to tell me that his friend liked me and he then asked me out for his friend. When I said no, I didn’t realize how relieved he looked. After months of us flirting we suddenly decided to go out as friends- just the two of us, by this time I knew how he felt. He told me that he fancied me since the moment I walked into class. He told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too.
We were together for months before we had our first kiss, I was incredibly nervous about 'kissing wrong' and he was incredibly supportive and told me we could wait as long as it took. I knew his friends took the Mick out of him but he said that it didn’t bother him and when we were both ready that’s when we will kiss. Kissing him was the most natural and beautiful feeling. After our first kiss things got heated up pretty fast, we pretty much in the space of 6months had done everything together except had sex. I knew his body so well and he knew mine so well. Every thing was so special to us because neither of us had ever been in a relationship before.
Here I was the most shy person in the world when it came to intimacy, I always imagined holding hands would be a major step for me, but I had gone so far with this guy that I loved, he took me to a different place, some where that it felt so natural to just let go. We decided that we would have sex soon, we even came up with a date and hotel. But as time grew nearer, we knew that the love we had for each other would be ever lasting. We knew that some day after we marry we would have sex any way. So we cancelled and decided to live the rest of our unmarried lives as virgins. To this day we haven’t slept together, and as much as we both want to and are mature enough, we want to do it the way it feels the most right for us and is what we truly believe in. I love that I am with a man who would carry on holding hands and kissing until age 50 if that was the age I was ready to have sex. I know I am the luckiest girl in the world to have the man that I have.
Then one day I was moved to a new class along with several other people. I really liked a guy in my new class but he seemed too amazing to ever want to be with me. He was also from a religious background so the idea of being together wasn’t even on my mind. After some time, he came up to me one day to tell me that his friend liked me and he then asked me out for his friend. When I said no, I didn’t realize how relieved he looked. After months of us flirting we suddenly decided to go out as friends- just the two of us, by this time I knew how he felt. He told me that he fancied me since the moment I walked into class. He told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too.
We were together for months before we had our first kiss, I was incredibly nervous about 'kissing wrong' and he was incredibly supportive and told me we could wait as long as it took. I knew his friends took the Mick out of him but he said that it didn’t bother him and when we were both ready that’s when we will kiss. Kissing him was the most natural and beautiful feeling. After our first kiss things got heated up pretty fast, we pretty much in the space of 6months had done everything together except had sex. I knew his body so well and he knew mine so well. Every thing was so special to us because neither of us had ever been in a relationship before.
Here I was the most shy person in the world when it came to intimacy, I always imagined holding hands would be a major step for me, but I had gone so far with this guy that I loved, he took me to a different place, some where that it felt so natural to just let go. We decided that we would have sex soon, we even came up with a date and hotel. But as time grew nearer, we knew that the love we had for each other would be ever lasting. We knew that some day after we marry we would have sex any way. So we cancelled and decided to live the rest of our unmarried lives as virgins. To this day we haven’t slept together, and as much as we both want to and are mature enough, we want to do it the way it feels the most right for us and is what we truly believe in. I love that I am with a man who would carry on holding hands and kissing until age 50 if that was the age I was ready to have sex. I know I am the luckiest girl in the world to have the man that I have.
Lita
I lost my virginity when I was 19 years old. I had been dating my boyfriend for about two and half years and was very much in love with him. We had previously discussed sex before and had both decided we weren't ready, as we continued to date the topic was reintroduced and still we decided we weren't ready. My boyfriend (let's call him Roger) and I wanted to make sure we were absolutely ready and prepared both mentally and physically for sex. Finally, after two and half years of dating we both came to a point where we were ready for sex. Roger went out and bought condoms and lubricant and I went to the doctor and got on the pill, we wanted to be safe and not risk anything. Roger and I planned a weekend trip up and got a hotel room so we could have some privacy. The whole ordeal was very romantic. We started out with foreplay to relax and loosen things up. Next, Roger put on a condom and a little bit of lubricant and entered me. It did hurt a little bit but not as bad as I expected and since we were both virgins it didn't last long. When we finished he kissed me and we fell asleep in each other's arms. Roger and I have since gotten engaged. I am so happy I lost it to him and I regret nothing but that's ONLY because we BOTH were completely ready and prepared. I love Roger and am in love with him. I'm happy with the way things went but that's me. If you are cautious and even the littlest bit unsure if you want to have sex, then don't. You will end up regretting it. Please remember to be safe also!
Jessica
I was 15 when i lost my virginity. i wasn't drunk, or high, or impaired in anyway. My then- boyfriend, josh, and i had started dating in February, and we loved each other. We were each others first love, and I’m pretty sure that day, we met up at school, ditched, and rode the bus to his house, where we started to make out and such. I think it was summer, so we were together about 7 months. 7 months really isn't all that long, neither is a year, or even two, but we did love each other.
At first, i was scared. then, he told me not to be. it did hurt, but it wasn't too excruciating. Eventually we were making love, and it was quite alright. He and i broke up about 4 months later, it hurt a lot, but i got over it eventually. We both lost our virginity to each other, and 4 years later, when we do talk, we both agree that it wasn't bad or anything, we're both happy we lost our virginity to each other. i have since had other boyfriends, but now i am dating a new boy, and we have been together a little over a year, and everything (including the sex) is great.
of every other story i read on here, they wished they hadn't lost their virginity 'that way' or whatever.. But your first time CAN be good, it CAN be fun, and afterwards, if the relationship doesn't work out... it'll be okay. to be honest, sex IS a special thing, and should only be done with someone you love AND trust, but it really isn't all that big of a deal. eventually, it will become something you like to do, and will probably do often with your (hopefully) significant other.
Now, I’m not old, or old fashioned, I’m only 18 as of April 2010, but i think people just need to get their heads around things correctly. sex isn't as big of a deal as some people make it out to be, but it's also not something you should just throw around.
At first, i was scared. then, he told me not to be. it did hurt, but it wasn't too excruciating. Eventually we were making love, and it was quite alright. He and i broke up about 4 months later, it hurt a lot, but i got over it eventually. We both lost our virginity to each other, and 4 years later, when we do talk, we both agree that it wasn't bad or anything, we're both happy we lost our virginity to each other. i have since had other boyfriends, but now i am dating a new boy, and we have been together a little over a year, and everything (including the sex) is great.
of every other story i read on here, they wished they hadn't lost their virginity 'that way' or whatever.. But your first time CAN be good, it CAN be fun, and afterwards, if the relationship doesn't work out... it'll be okay. to be honest, sex IS a special thing, and should only be done with someone you love AND trust, but it really isn't all that big of a deal. eventually, it will become something you like to do, and will probably do often with your (hopefully) significant other.
Now, I’m not old, or old fashioned, I’m only 18 as of April 2010, but i think people just need to get their heads around things correctly. sex isn't as big of a deal as some people make it out to be, but it's also not something you should just throw around.
good luck with your first time. i hope you find a sweet boy like i did!
Elaine
I'm 23 now and have been with my now fiancé for 3 1/2 years. We're getting married in 132 days and he proposed a few months ago but I will never forget the first time we had sex.
We were both virgins and I knew from the very beginning I would end up marrying him. We had so much in common, including our views on having sex before marriage. We just never thought we would do it and had waited all this time so we just thought the first time would be on our wedding night. We've always been pretty open to other things so we occasionally within a year of our relationship would touch each other, share oral sex, fingering....pretty much everything except sex.
One night though, we decided to buy condoms...just in case we thought. Things had been getting pretty steamy and we didn't want to be caught on the wrong side of the situation aka...pregnancy. After buying them, we got curious and wanted to try them out. I don’t know. We started making out for a while and then before you knew it, we were undressed and attempting intercourse. As he penetrated me I remember it hurting really bad...kind of like a knife cutting me. I didn't want to say anything coz he didn't want to hurt me and was always scared about that. Anyway...he didn't realize it but actually ended up going all the way. He loved it though and felt a lot of pleasure. It was a lot of pressure for me but I was happy that he had done it and no one else. He kissed and hugged me for a long time after and even though it sucked on my end, I felt loved and good.
I soon realized that when you love someone so much, whether sex is GREAT the first time doesn't matter. I also didn't have weird expectations of our first sexual experience. Knowing the emotional me would love it more than the physical me was enough to get me an emotional orgasm. I love him!
We were both virgins and I knew from the very beginning I would end up marrying him. We had so much in common, including our views on having sex before marriage. We just never thought we would do it and had waited all this time so we just thought the first time would be on our wedding night. We've always been pretty open to other things so we occasionally within a year of our relationship would touch each other, share oral sex, fingering....pretty much everything except sex.
One night though, we decided to buy condoms...just in case we thought. Things had been getting pretty steamy and we didn't want to be caught on the wrong side of the situation aka...pregnancy. After buying them, we got curious and wanted to try them out. I don’t know. We started making out for a while and then before you knew it, we were undressed and attempting intercourse. As he penetrated me I remember it hurting really bad...kind of like a knife cutting me. I didn't want to say anything coz he didn't want to hurt me and was always scared about that. Anyway...he didn't realize it but actually ended up going all the way. He loved it though and felt a lot of pleasure. It was a lot of pressure for me but I was happy that he had done it and no one else. He kissed and hugged me for a long time after and even though it sucked on my end, I felt loved and good.
I soon realized that when you love someone so much, whether sex is GREAT the first time doesn't matter. I also didn't have weird expectations of our first sexual experience. Knowing the emotional me would love it more than the physical me was enough to get me an emotional orgasm. I love him!
Michelle
I was 17 when I lost my virginity, a freshman in college. I met A, who is still my boyfriend, the first week of school. We had been dating a while; we got along well. He's so sweet and caring, which is completely different from some of the guys I'd dated in the past.
We'd fooled around some in the past, never taking it further than one of us wanted to go. We were both virgins. The night it happened, I was the one who brought it up. I admit, I didn't entirely expect him to say yes, because he's always so determined to make sure I'm making the right decisions for myself. He didn't object though; he just said he was fine as long as I was sure. I said I was as long as he had a condom, which he did.
He put the condom on and once again asked if I was positive this was what I wanted. I still was. I wasn't really nervous at all. I truly cared about him and I wanted him to be my first. When he entered me it didn't even really hurt. There was a little discomfort, but not much. He kept checking from time to time if I was okay. I was. I enjoyed myself and I was happy and content afterwards, although it's not like it was fabulous.
No one expects the first time to be perfect, which is why it's all about trust and being comfortable with the person you're with. Just make sure you're ready when you do it. There were so many other times I COULD have given it up to other people, but I didn't. I'm sure my experience was much better because of it. I have absolutely no regrets.
We'd fooled around some in the past, never taking it further than one of us wanted to go. We were both virgins. The night it happened, I was the one who brought it up. I admit, I didn't entirely expect him to say yes, because he's always so determined to make sure I'm making the right decisions for myself. He didn't object though; he just said he was fine as long as I was sure. I said I was as long as he had a condom, which he did.
He put the condom on and once again asked if I was positive this was what I wanted. I still was. I wasn't really nervous at all. I truly cared about him and I wanted him to be my first. When he entered me it didn't even really hurt. There was a little discomfort, but not much. He kept checking from time to time if I was okay. I was. I enjoyed myself and I was happy and content afterwards, although it's not like it was fabulous.
No one expects the first time to be perfect, which is why it's all about trust and being comfortable with the person you're with. Just make sure you're ready when you do it. There were so many other times I COULD have given it up to other people, but I didn't. I'm sure my experience was much better because of it. I have absolutely no regrets.
Catty
So I had been dating this guy for about 8 or 9 months when we did it. I was only 16 and he was 19. I went to his house one day and it happened. I walked in to his room and his shirt was off which wasn't that uncommon for him. I say down next to him and we started making out big time. He started to pull my pants down and I did not object. I was rubbing his penis and by no we were both fully undressed. We were not going to do it at first we were just teasing each other. But then we changed our minds we said his parents aren't here were both really excited and in the mood why not? So he went to his parent’s room and found a condom. I could tell he had been practicing because he put it on like he had done this many times before. We got into position and he started to guide his penis into my vagina. It took about 10 minutes to get it but he did it. It hurt like crazy!!! I was bleeding and bleeding. It felt good in a way though. He pushed it in and put for about 40 minutes or so. His parents were to come home in an hour. We got redressed cleaned up his room and I left I didn't tell anyone. We had sex again. I got really worried because when he pulled out he said he had not used condom that time. I broke up with him. I finally told my mom because I needed a pregnancy test before it was too late. It turns out I wasn't pregnant. Thank goodness! But my mom was really disappointed in me. I do very much regret losing my virginity to that guy because when the time came and I found a man I loved he didn't get to have it.
Becka
My name is Becka. I've traveled long road dating many different guys from when I was fourteen up until now. I decided to wait for a long time because I didn't feel as if I was emotionally ready. I would have felt like I had to grow the heck up and I wasn’t ready to lose my childhood innocence. If I had to pass up parties or leave early to protect myself then so be it. I have decided to live my life in this way because I don't want to be like everybody else. I want to be different. Every person that I have talked to about this has all said, "Becka, I wish I could go back and change what I did. I envy you."
As I've said I dated many guys and I told them I was a virgin and that I wanted to wait for the right person and if they couldn't handle it then I couldn’t' be with them. All my girl friends always were in shock when they found out I was still a virgin. But that is how I decided to live my life.
I went through one fail relationship to the next and so on over the years. I even started dating college guys when I was 16 and it's a wonder I stayed a virgin so long sometimes I have to wonder how truly lucky I am as well. But I never fell in love. One day I met this guy who was a friend who hung out with some people I chilled with and we hit it off as good friends for a long time. After about six months of being close friends he decided to ask me out. Everything was so perfect and went great for a while. We were so in love and always had the perfect time together.
I felt like I was truly living a fairy tale. I thought this guy was different. He was a bit younger than me at the time I was seventeen and he was fifteen turning sixteen. We had a perfect prom together and moments I will never forget. I got so close to having sex with him because I thought he was the one. But something inside of me held me back. Maybe it was fear or insecurity but if something was holding me back there must have been a good damn reason for it. I had to trust my instincts. We dated for six months with no sex involved. I think he was starting to get the pressure from his friends because they were all like "YOU HAVN'T DONE HER YET?!?"
He said he would never leave me and never get bored of me. He said he would always love me forever and was here until I got bored of him and didn't want him anymore. He told me to trust him and that he was here for me and would never ever hurt me.
He left me for another girl. He left me for this little girl that is not pretty at all. He dumped me over text messaging after six entire long months! He didn't even have the courage to do it to my face or even on the phone. He blamed me entirely for our fail relationship and that it was all my fault he left me.
I came so close to having sex with him. Can you imagine if I would have lost my virginity to that kid? The kind of regret and guilt I would be living with for THE REST OF MY LIFE? I am almost nineteen years old and I am still a virgin to this day and you know what? I'M PROUD OF IT.
As I've said I dated many guys and I told them I was a virgin and that I wanted to wait for the right person and if they couldn't handle it then I couldn’t' be with them. All my girl friends always were in shock when they found out I was still a virgin. But that is how I decided to live my life.
I went through one fail relationship to the next and so on over the years. I even started dating college guys when I was 16 and it's a wonder I stayed a virgin so long sometimes I have to wonder how truly lucky I am as well. But I never fell in love. One day I met this guy who was a friend who hung out with some people I chilled with and we hit it off as good friends for a long time. After about six months of being close friends he decided to ask me out. Everything was so perfect and went great for a while. We were so in love and always had the perfect time together.
I felt like I was truly living a fairy tale. I thought this guy was different. He was a bit younger than me at the time I was seventeen and he was fifteen turning sixteen. We had a perfect prom together and moments I will never forget. I got so close to having sex with him because I thought he was the one. But something inside of me held me back. Maybe it was fear or insecurity but if something was holding me back there must have been a good damn reason for it. I had to trust my instincts. We dated for six months with no sex involved. I think he was starting to get the pressure from his friends because they were all like "YOU HAVN'T DONE HER YET?!?"
He said he would never leave me and never get bored of me. He said he would always love me forever and was here until I got bored of him and didn't want him anymore. He told me to trust him and that he was here for me and would never ever hurt me.
He left me for another girl. He left me for this little girl that is not pretty at all. He dumped me over text messaging after six entire long months! He didn't even have the courage to do it to my face or even on the phone. He blamed me entirely for our fail relationship and that it was all my fault he left me.
I came so close to having sex with him. Can you imagine if I would have lost my virginity to that kid? The kind of regret and guilt I would be living with for THE REST OF MY LIFE? I am almost nineteen years old and I am still a virgin to this day and you know what? I'M PROUD OF IT.
Kelsey
I was 15 when I lost my virginity.
Most of my friends were already sexually active and in a way I felt "left out" that I was still a virgin.
I was barely making out with boys when my friends were already having sex. These were back in the "hanging out at the park" days. I met him through one of my friends. HE was my friend’s older brother. The first time I met him; I thought he was "so hot". We eventually became friends. I heard through my best friend that he was into me so I flirted with him and whatever.
We were at my friends house after school one day setting up for her birthday party the next day. We ended up alone at some point and we started making out. We talked for hours in between our make out sessions.
He asked me if I wanted to have sex THAT NIGHT! i said no. He asked me why; I told him I was a virgin; and that we weren't dating. He found that hard to believe for some reason. Apparently he had only had sex 3 times before. Later that night he asked me out. Me being under this little spell of confusing lust for something else I said yes.
I was attracted to him, but I can’t say I really liked him. I mean come one, I was only 15, what do I know? The next night was my friend’s birthday, with drinking of course. It was a really fun party, I drank a lot. He drank a lot. We ended up going up stairs and into my friend’s room. She was okay with this of course because she was having her 16 year old birthday sex downstairs on the bathroom sink to a random guy!
We started making out, then he started fingering me. This wasn’t my first time being fingered so I wasn’t too worried. Things got a little more physical and I started giving him head (this all sounds really bad now that I’m typing this all out!), I cant say I didn’t ask for it! That was my first time ever-giving head though. In fact!. The first time I ever French kissed a guy was a few months earlier!
Eventually all the clothes were off, and he had a condom and we started having sex. It was really difficult to get it in at first of course. I figured after it didn’t work we would just stop but he insisted. So we had sex that night twice... and the next day once more.
We broke up 3 weeks later. I also found out that he managed to cheat on me in those three weeks. I cant say I regret it, but it would have been amazing if it was someone that actually loved me and I loved them back.
I thought I was such a grown up back then and now I realize I was just a baby. Just wait girls, trust me.
Most of my friends were already sexually active and in a way I felt "left out" that I was still a virgin.
I was barely making out with boys when my friends were already having sex. These were back in the "hanging out at the park" days. I met him through one of my friends. HE was my friend’s older brother. The first time I met him; I thought he was "so hot". We eventually became friends. I heard through my best friend that he was into me so I flirted with him and whatever.
We were at my friends house after school one day setting up for her birthday party the next day. We ended up alone at some point and we started making out. We talked for hours in between our make out sessions.
He asked me if I wanted to have sex THAT NIGHT! i said no. He asked me why; I told him I was a virgin; and that we weren't dating. He found that hard to believe for some reason. Apparently he had only had sex 3 times before. Later that night he asked me out. Me being under this little spell of confusing lust for something else I said yes.
I was attracted to him, but I can’t say I really liked him. I mean come one, I was only 15, what do I know? The next night was my friend’s birthday, with drinking of course. It was a really fun party, I drank a lot. He drank a lot. We ended up going up stairs and into my friend’s room. She was okay with this of course because she was having her 16 year old birthday sex downstairs on the bathroom sink to a random guy!
We started making out, then he started fingering me. This wasn’t my first time being fingered so I wasn’t too worried. Things got a little more physical and I started giving him head (this all sounds really bad now that I’m typing this all out!), I cant say I didn’t ask for it! That was my first time ever-giving head though. In fact!. The first time I ever French kissed a guy was a few months earlier!
Eventually all the clothes were off, and he had a condom and we started having sex. It was really difficult to get it in at first of course. I figured after it didn’t work we would just stop but he insisted. So we had sex that night twice... and the next day once more.
We broke up 3 weeks later. I also found out that he managed to cheat on me in those three weeks. I cant say I regret it, but it would have been amazing if it was someone that actually loved me and I loved them back.
I thought I was such a grown up back then and now I realize I was just a baby. Just wait girls, trust me.
Chitra
I was mentally prepared to have sex. But I never thought I would regret it. All my friends look at me as someone who is strong, who takes the right decisions in life and would never screw up. I never told anyone I regretted losing my virginity. I was 19 when it happened. I had never been interested in boys and had been a tom-boy throughout my life. Although I did have a few crushes here and there, I had never had a real relationship.
I moved to another country to finish my college education. I was living with friends and having the best time of my life. I met HIM through a friend when we were all out partying one night. I started talking to him and realized we had a lot in common. We moved away from my friends and started talking when he started kissing me. I was a bit drunk by then and did nothing to stop him. We kissed for a while till my friends, who had panicked that they couldn’t find me anywhere, called. I left with my friends that day and didn’t even say goodbye to him. I was too ashamed I had let a complete stranger kiss me. But when I went home I realized I actually liked him.
We met again the next night. I said sorry for leaving without telling him. Soon we started talking and eventually kissing. Again, I left without telling him. This time I never met him again. We kept in touch through e-mails and talked online quite often. Then he started calling me and we used to speak everyday. I quite enjoyed talking to him and thought this was actually leading somewhere. He never told me he liked me or that he wanted this to go any further. But I slowly believed we had something going on.
It was my friend's birthday and all our friends had come down for a big party weekend. He had come too, but I didn’t know he was coming and it was a big surprise for me. We went to my room and made out for sometime. After we came back from the party, I was mentally prepared to go all the way with him. We went back to my room and starting making out. Soon the clothes came off and before I knew it he started fingering me. I didn’t even tell him I was a virgin!
But he realized soon and asked me a couple of times if I wanted to go further. I said yes assertively because it had been running in my head and I wanted to get over with it that night. I also thought it was very sweet of him to surprise me by coming all this way to meet me. It did hurt quite a bit and I bled for some hours. He was gone the next day. I didn’t realize the consequences of what I had done until the next day.
Once he left, He didn’t contact me anymore, never talked online. We spoke a couple of times and he behaved very strange. I was hurt and didn’t understand his behaviour. We stopped talking altogether and I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. I felt used and was so angry that a guy had succeeded in fooling me and misusing my trust.
I am now in a serious relationship with someone. He loves me a lot and we did have sex a few times. But it felt so different this time and I felt so loved! I do regret losing my virginity to someone I barely knew and wish I had waited. I know I will have to live with this regret forever. A piece of advice: don't do something under pressure or without your full consent. It pays to wait and lose your virginity to someone who loves and cares for you. I would know!!!
I moved to another country to finish my college education. I was living with friends and having the best time of my life. I met HIM through a friend when we were all out partying one night. I started talking to him and realized we had a lot in common. We moved away from my friends and started talking when he started kissing me. I was a bit drunk by then and did nothing to stop him. We kissed for a while till my friends, who had panicked that they couldn’t find me anywhere, called. I left with my friends that day and didn’t even say goodbye to him. I was too ashamed I had let a complete stranger kiss me. But when I went home I realized I actually liked him.
We met again the next night. I said sorry for leaving without telling him. Soon we started talking and eventually kissing. Again, I left without telling him. This time I never met him again. We kept in touch through e-mails and talked online quite often. Then he started calling me and we used to speak everyday. I quite enjoyed talking to him and thought this was actually leading somewhere. He never told me he liked me or that he wanted this to go any further. But I slowly believed we had something going on.
It was my friend's birthday and all our friends had come down for a big party weekend. He had come too, but I didn’t know he was coming and it was a big surprise for me. We went to my room and made out for sometime. After we came back from the party, I was mentally prepared to go all the way with him. We went back to my room and starting making out. Soon the clothes came off and before I knew it he started fingering me. I didn’t even tell him I was a virgin!
But he realized soon and asked me a couple of times if I wanted to go further. I said yes assertively because it had been running in my head and I wanted to get over with it that night. I also thought it was very sweet of him to surprise me by coming all this way to meet me. It did hurt quite a bit and I bled for some hours. He was gone the next day. I didn’t realize the consequences of what I had done until the next day.
Once he left, He didn’t contact me anymore, never talked online. We spoke a couple of times and he behaved very strange. I was hurt and didn’t understand his behaviour. We stopped talking altogether and I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. I felt used and was so angry that a guy had succeeded in fooling me and misusing my trust.
I am now in a serious relationship with someone. He loves me a lot and we did have sex a few times. But it felt so different this time and I felt so loved! I do regret losing my virginity to someone I barely knew and wish I had waited. I know I will have to live with this regret forever. A piece of advice: don't do something under pressure or without your full consent. It pays to wait and lose your virginity to someone who loves and cares for you. I would know!!!
Natasha
I was 13 when I lost my "v", from my own area drinking and drugs wasn't anything new. I and my best friend at the time had gone to get our alcohol. Meeting up with a few friends then ditching them after, we were drunk heading down the road just for a walk and these lads came up to us asking how old we were, but me and my mate said we were sixteen so they said they were 16 too but they never looked it they looked older.
Anyway, me and my friend went back to their house we were already drunk and they gave us more alcohol we were in the room it was dark and me and my friend were in a bed each with these boys, both kissing and touching etc..
Then he asked me if I was ready to have sex I didn’t want to tell him I was a virgin so I said yes didn’t dare to say no incase he hit me or never let me go. So we pulled our pants down but I was so scared incase it hurt, but he was fingering me softly for at least 10-15 minutes and then he lied on top put my legs over his shoulders and stuck it in, every second he kept asking if I was okay because I didn’t do nothing, it hurt a bit but after 5mins it never hurt no more, but for 2 days I was sore and walking weird.
Anyway, me and my friend went back to their house we were already drunk and they gave us more alcohol we were in the room it was dark and me and my friend were in a bed each with these boys, both kissing and touching etc..
Then he asked me if I was ready to have sex I didn’t want to tell him I was a virgin so I said yes didn’t dare to say no incase he hit me or never let me go. So we pulled our pants down but I was so scared incase it hurt, but he was fingering me softly for at least 10-15 minutes and then he lied on top put my legs over his shoulders and stuck it in, every second he kept asking if I was okay because I didn’t do nothing, it hurt a bit but after 5mins it never hurt no more, but for 2 days I was sore and walking weird.
I wish i never done it, it was a bad mistake! I advise people to wait until they are with someone who truly cares about them as you only loose your virginity once and when it's gone there's no way of getting it back.
Kay
My first time happened while I was on vacation in Europe. I met him during dinner one night at the hostel I was staying at and then invited him out with some people I had met earlier and planned on going out with. I only had 3 drinks but they were largely sized and got me drunker than I thought they would. I should have been paying more attention to how drunk I was getting, especially in the setting I was in. But, unfortunately I wasn't.
Before I knew it, he and I had found a somewhat private room back in the hostel to hook up in. I don't remember the first time we kissed, getting back to the hostel, or going into the room we went into. We started off just kissing. Then he took off my shirt, and then my shorts. He fingered me and then went down on me. I had had oral sex before (with a previous boyfriend) but it felt so good this time. Even if I wanted to say no, I was in no state to do so. Before it happened, it went through my head that I was going to have sex. If I had had less to drink, I would have stopped it before that happened. Anyway, I remember him getting a condom from his pocket and then we did it. I felt a mixture of pleasure and pain. Not so much pain as just pressure. We were both really drunk and I don't think he came. He said I was really tight and I think suspected that I was a virgin, though I didn't tell him I was. We got dressed; he walked me to my room, kissed me good night and then went to his.
The next day, I ran into him again before dinner and we repeated the events from the night before. Only this time I didn't have as much to drink so I was perfectly aware of what I was doing and had sex solely because I wanted to. I enjoyed it and I was relieved that I had done it because I was 21, horny and frustrated. But I was also disappointed in myself because he wasn't a boyfriend that I loved and because I had allowed myself to get so drunk that I wasn't in control of my actions.
This happened recently. So I don't know the full impact it will have on me. I know I wanted to be a virgin until the right guy came along. But sometimes life throws you a few surprises. I believe I was mentally prepared for casual sex even though it was unplanned. But I'm in no hurry to have casual sex again and I'm sill looking for love before I have sex again.
Before I knew it, he and I had found a somewhat private room back in the hostel to hook up in. I don't remember the first time we kissed, getting back to the hostel, or going into the room we went into. We started off just kissing. Then he took off my shirt, and then my shorts. He fingered me and then went down on me. I had had oral sex before (with a previous boyfriend) but it felt so good this time. Even if I wanted to say no, I was in no state to do so. Before it happened, it went through my head that I was going to have sex. If I had had less to drink, I would have stopped it before that happened. Anyway, I remember him getting a condom from his pocket and then we did it. I felt a mixture of pleasure and pain. Not so much pain as just pressure. We were both really drunk and I don't think he came. He said I was really tight and I think suspected that I was a virgin, though I didn't tell him I was. We got dressed; he walked me to my room, kissed me good night and then went to his.
The next day, I ran into him again before dinner and we repeated the events from the night before. Only this time I didn't have as much to drink so I was perfectly aware of what I was doing and had sex solely because I wanted to. I enjoyed it and I was relieved that I had done it because I was 21, horny and frustrated. But I was also disappointed in myself because he wasn't a boyfriend that I loved and because I had allowed myself to get so drunk that I wasn't in control of my actions.
This happened recently. So I don't know the full impact it will have on me. I know I wanted to be a virgin until the right guy came along. But sometimes life throws you a few surprises. I believe I was mentally prepared for casual sex even though it was unplanned. But I'm in no hurry to have casual sex again and I'm sill looking for love before I have sex again.
Dede
I was 18 (my senior year) when I gave up my virginity (he was 21). I met him at my graduation party because one of my friends brought him along. We hit it off and started dating.
We ended up dating for three months before it happened. I knew I was mentally ready to loose my virginity. I felt so comfortable with him it was ridiculous ha-ha. He never ever pressured me into having sex with him. We came close a few times before we actually ended up doing it.
The night it happened we were at his house hanging out, and of course we started making out and what not and we took off our clothes (which has happened before). He was honestly expecting nothing that night he told me I caught him completely off guard. And I ended up asking him do you have a condom because it’s saying you want to have sex without saying it. And he said yes and kept asking are you sure, are you positive because he new I was a virgin and I said yes i was sure. So we ended up having sex when he put it in, it didn't really hurt, a slight pressure but nothing really painful. (I think it’s because i was comfortable and not that nervous). It ended up going on for a while and he kept checking to make sure i was okay...it started to hurt so I asked him to stop and he said yes with no issue. We ended up cuddling for the rest of the night. He was supper sweet about it and made me feel comfortable the whole time. We are still together after a year and I’m glad i gave it up to him.
The most important thing is that you are MENTALLY READY to GIVE your virginity up. It’s more mental than anything else. You need to feel comfortable with your partner and comfortable with yourself and not let anyone pressure you into it. Because I was mentally ready I have to no regrets or second thoughts.
We ended up dating for three months before it happened. I knew I was mentally ready to loose my virginity. I felt so comfortable with him it was ridiculous ha-ha. He never ever pressured me into having sex with him. We came close a few times before we actually ended up doing it.
The night it happened we were at his house hanging out, and of course we started making out and what not and we took off our clothes (which has happened before). He was honestly expecting nothing that night he told me I caught him completely off guard. And I ended up asking him do you have a condom because it’s saying you want to have sex without saying it. And he said yes and kept asking are you sure, are you positive because he new I was a virgin and I said yes i was sure. So we ended up having sex when he put it in, it didn't really hurt, a slight pressure but nothing really painful. (I think it’s because i was comfortable and not that nervous). It ended up going on for a while and he kept checking to make sure i was okay...it started to hurt so I asked him to stop and he said yes with no issue. We ended up cuddling for the rest of the night. He was supper sweet about it and made me feel comfortable the whole time. We are still together after a year and I’m glad i gave it up to him.
The most important thing is that you are MENTALLY READY to GIVE your virginity up. It’s more mental than anything else. You need to feel comfortable with your partner and comfortable with yourself and not let anyone pressure you into it. Because I was mentally ready I have to no regrets or second thoughts.
Christine
I lost my virginity when I was sure I wanted to marry my boyfriend.
I was 22 and my boyfriend Michael was two years older. Michael was starting a small business of his own and we spent a lot of time in the office where he and his business partner rented. Both virgins, we had been seeing each other for a year.
Michael adores me. We were happy together. From time to time, whenever we were alone, he teased me, cuddled me and touched my body. I was getting hot for him and one night, we decided to we will lose our virginity together.
We were nervous and inexperienced. It was no fun at all and it felt funny. He entered me but it felt weird and it hurt a little. I kept wondering whether he knew what he was doing. but I did not ask him questions I did not enjoy our first time. We did not have a condom so he pulled out and came on my belly. That was nothing like the romance story.
We learnt to be more careful afterwards and sex got much better. It turns out Michael was not meant for me. But I never regret losing my virginity to him because I really cared for him. I guess it is better to have sex with someone you really care. So no regrets.
I was 22 and my boyfriend Michael was two years older. Michael was starting a small business of his own and we spent a lot of time in the office where he and his business partner rented. Both virgins, we had been seeing each other for a year.
Michael adores me. We were happy together. From time to time, whenever we were alone, he teased me, cuddled me and touched my body. I was getting hot for him and one night, we decided to we will lose our virginity together.
We were nervous and inexperienced. It was no fun at all and it felt funny. He entered me but it felt weird and it hurt a little. I kept wondering whether he knew what he was doing. but I did not ask him questions I did not enjoy our first time. We did not have a condom so he pulled out and came on my belly. That was nothing like the romance story.
We learnt to be more careful afterwards and sex got much better. It turns out Michael was not meant for me. But I never regret losing my virginity to him because I really cared for him. I guess it is better to have sex with someone you really care. So no regrets.
Donna
I was seventeen when I lost my virginity. It was with a guy I was dating, who was about three years older than me. We weren't even a couple.
He invited me over his house for a day, and I knew something was going to happen because he told me no one would be home. I should have denied, but at that time I felt I had to see him.
It started out as a make out, then his lips trailed south, down my neck, and finally down to my breasts. A part of me wanted to push him off, but another; more impatient side let him continue. He ended up taking off my bra and top, and I was on top of him while he made out with my body. Not to get too graphic, of course.
We ended up having sex, even though we "agreed" not to during the make out session. I was naive in believing him. He did it in little steps, testing waters, like slowly boiling a frog in water by increasing the temperature by one degree every few seconds. And me being the virgin I was too caught in the moment to realize we were heading to penetration. When it was over (which was probably after 5 minutes) I didn't feel like anything. Just tired, and a bit relieved it ended, because even though during the sex it wasn't painful, the initial penetration hurt so, so much.
I bled for three days, and was sore for two. I wasn't especially regretful a day later, but three days afterwards I felt sad and paranoid. I should have waited. I should have. But I didn't.
Now I'm scared he'd think I was easy, because we were only seeing each other for roughly a month and a third. And halfway through we had separated and then got back together. The sad part was that I liked him, but not to the point where I felt it was "love". I feel cheap compared to the other authors of the stories that are featured, because they all felt they had "loved" the other before sleeping with him, even if it ended badly afterwards.
To all the girls wondering if it is better to wait, it truly is. I hope this story was proof enough..
He invited me over his house for a day, and I knew something was going to happen because he told me no one would be home. I should have denied, but at that time I felt I had to see him.
It started out as a make out, then his lips trailed south, down my neck, and finally down to my breasts. A part of me wanted to push him off, but another; more impatient side let him continue. He ended up taking off my bra and top, and I was on top of him while he made out with my body. Not to get too graphic, of course.
We ended up having sex, even though we "agreed" not to during the make out session. I was naive in believing him. He did it in little steps, testing waters, like slowly boiling a frog in water by increasing the temperature by one degree every few seconds. And me being the virgin I was too caught in the moment to realize we were heading to penetration. When it was over (which was probably after 5 minutes) I didn't feel like anything. Just tired, and a bit relieved it ended, because even though during the sex it wasn't painful, the initial penetration hurt so, so much.
I bled for three days, and was sore for two. I wasn't especially regretful a day later, but three days afterwards I felt sad and paranoid. I should have waited. I should have. But I didn't.
Now I'm scared he'd think I was easy, because we were only seeing each other for roughly a month and a third. And halfway through we had separated and then got back together. The sad part was that I liked him, but not to the point where I felt it was "love". I feel cheap compared to the other authors of the stories that are featured, because they all felt they had "loved" the other before sleeping with him, even if it ended badly afterwards.
To all the girls wondering if it is better to wait, it truly is. I hope this story was proof enough..
Anon
So I was 16 and in a relationship with this guy that I had a crush on for about 2 years. We were dating for almost a year and a half when we did "it"...
He was 18 at the time, and was obviously very horny. He never pressured me into sex, but did ask a couple times. After I said no, and that I was not comfortable with it he told me that it wasn't a problem and he would wait until I was ready.
But for some odd reason I felt guilty for not giving him sex. He was basically an adult and would obviously like to be sexually active, and it just felt like I was holding him back, so I finally did gave it to him...
We were at his house playing Xbox, (I'm totally a video game junky. I know, weird!) And started to fool around after we were done playing. We had fooled around before this and I let him finger me and I gave him a hand job but we never got even close to having sex. So we were fooling around and one thing lead to another, so the clothes came off and the love was in the air. I was so horny, that I knew that the next morning I would regret it but I just couldn't stop myself.
He finally stuck it in me. It hurt so badly. I screamed, so he pulled out and asked me if I was okay. I told him to keep going, and that I would be okay. The rest of it was very painful, and I do remember bleeding a little bit.
After we did it, I did regret it immediately. Even though we are still together till this day ...I just feel like I did it for the wrong reasons. And even though it was some what enjoyable. I know that I'm going to have to live with this regret forever.
He was 18 at the time, and was obviously very horny. He never pressured me into sex, but did ask a couple times. After I said no, and that I was not comfortable with it he told me that it wasn't a problem and he would wait until I was ready.
But for some odd reason I felt guilty for not giving him sex. He was basically an adult and would obviously like to be sexually active, and it just felt like I was holding him back, so I finally did gave it to him...
We were at his house playing Xbox, (I'm totally a video game junky. I know, weird!) And started to fool around after we were done playing. We had fooled around before this and I let him finger me and I gave him a hand job but we never got even close to having sex. So we were fooling around and one thing lead to another, so the clothes came off and the love was in the air. I was so horny, that I knew that the next morning I would regret it but I just couldn't stop myself.
He finally stuck it in me. It hurt so badly. I screamed, so he pulled out and asked me if I was okay. I told him to keep going, and that I would be okay. The rest of it was very painful, and I do remember bleeding a little bit.
After we did it, I did regret it immediately. Even though we are still together till this day ...I just feel like I did it for the wrong reasons. And even though it was some what enjoyable. I know that I'm going to have to live with this regret forever.
John
I grew up and live in our average American town. There are more churches than stores in my town and everybody had an opinion about something. For the most part we are conservative people, and being homosexual is not an option.
I knew from an early age that I was "bi", but I never let it get to me. I always planned on marrying a woman, have children and raise my family and that being "bi" wasn't that important.
I found who I thought to be the "love of my life" in my girlfriend now, but who I really want to be with is her cousin. He is smart, athletic, funny, handsome and lovable. He is the kind of perfect I wish I could be.
My relationship with my girlfriend though is fading fast, but the truth is I don't really care.
I don't know if her cousin is "bi" or not but I hope I can find out. I truly feel that this is my one true shot at love, if I find out he's not "bi" I know I will never love again.
After realizing that I'm choosing a man who probably doesn't love me back over a woman who does, I really don't know if "love" exists...
I knew from an early age that I was "bi", but I never let it get to me. I always planned on marrying a woman, have children and raise my family and that being "bi" wasn't that important.
I found who I thought to be the "love of my life" in my girlfriend now, but who I really want to be with is her cousin. He is smart, athletic, funny, handsome and lovable. He is the kind of perfect I wish I could be.
My relationship with my girlfriend though is fading fast, but the truth is I don't really care.
I don't know if her cousin is "bi" or not but I hope I can find out. I truly feel that this is my one true shot at love, if I find out he's not "bi" I know I will never love again.
After realizing that I'm choosing a man who probably doesn't love me back over a woman who does, I really don't know if "love" exists...
Anonymous
I am 16 and openly gay to my friends, and whoever bothers to ask me. I'm not one to parade or define myself by my sexuality, but I'm not secretive so as to speak. My parents are well aware, though hoping and wanting me to change, and possibly still in denial. The home policy is don't ask, don't tell through and through.
My entire time I have always had a closer affinity with girls than boys as friends. Boys have made me a little bit more awkward and nervous to talk to. When I was 10 years old I began to notice other boys played with mostly boys and girls with girls, I consciously adjusted my friendships to follow this. About this time I had the thought that I didn't like girls, I assumed this would come later.
A year passed and once slight attractions to boys became stronger and more sexual, I accidentally saw a nude male picture on the internet. I subsequently almost developed a pornography addiction for a while. This resulted in my peers (not really friends at the time) to find out I was gay, this was a less than pleasing event, I suffered black-mailing and intimidation. Also my parents found out this way.
From then on I could tell my father was ashamed of the idea his son could be gay, and my mother was moreover upset and plain worried. She probed for answers every now and again, ask if I had a girlfriend 10 times then slip in a boyfriend question 'jokingly'. I just yelled at her when she made such comments.
Several years of being miserably closeted in high school, fighting the remnants of "the rumour" I was gay I came out over the internet to all the people at my school and my few friends last year. Hardly anyone believed me. I had to still individually convince people. My friends couldn’t care less, were a bit weird for a while but came around after a while or were wonderful and helped me through it all. The very act of telling the truth was so liberating and horrifying all in one; it was and is a great feeling.
Being gay or bisexual is not exactly dangerous at my school, compared to other schools it is the perfect place. Literally within a few months I struck up a conversation with a boy in the grade above me, this eventually turned into the first relationship I had ever been in. The feeling was wonderful, just touching hands was so amazing after being so repressive, trying to control things from how I spoke, sat or walked to not appear gay to being able to kiss a boy.
That ended, and I am now in a place where my friends know and don't care. Whilst I am chronically mad at my parents to which I hardly speak to, and snarl and say terrible things to now, simply because I am pissed off with having to lie. In my heart I don't blame them or I for anything, it's all just how things turned out, nothing could be altered, and I'm glad of that. I am proud, happy and so much freer then ever. Forget the consequences of that, I'm happy with who I am and want to be.
My entire time I have always had a closer affinity with girls than boys as friends. Boys have made me a little bit more awkward and nervous to talk to. When I was 10 years old I began to notice other boys played with mostly boys and girls with girls, I consciously adjusted my friendships to follow this. About this time I had the thought that I didn't like girls, I assumed this would come later.
A year passed and once slight attractions to boys became stronger and more sexual, I accidentally saw a nude male picture on the internet. I subsequently almost developed a pornography addiction for a while. This resulted in my peers (not really friends at the time) to find out I was gay, this was a less than pleasing event, I suffered black-mailing and intimidation. Also my parents found out this way.
From then on I could tell my father was ashamed of the idea his son could be gay, and my mother was moreover upset and plain worried. She probed for answers every now and again, ask if I had a girlfriend 10 times then slip in a boyfriend question 'jokingly'. I just yelled at her when she made such comments.
Several years of being miserably closeted in high school, fighting the remnants of "the rumour" I was gay I came out over the internet to all the people at my school and my few friends last year. Hardly anyone believed me. I had to still individually convince people. My friends couldn’t care less, were a bit weird for a while but came around after a while or were wonderful and helped me through it all. The very act of telling the truth was so liberating and horrifying all in one; it was and is a great feeling.
Being gay or bisexual is not exactly dangerous at my school, compared to other schools it is the perfect place. Literally within a few months I struck up a conversation with a boy in the grade above me, this eventually turned into the first relationship I had ever been in. The feeling was wonderful, just touching hands was so amazing after being so repressive, trying to control things from how I spoke, sat or walked to not appear gay to being able to kiss a boy.
That ended, and I am now in a place where my friends know and don't care. Whilst I am chronically mad at my parents to which I hardly speak to, and snarl and say terrible things to now, simply because I am pissed off with having to lie. In my heart I don't blame them or I for anything, it's all just how things turned out, nothing could be altered, and I'm glad of that. I am proud, happy and so much freer then ever. Forget the consequences of that, I'm happy with who I am and want to be.
James
I luckily live in Toronto. People here are really open-minded and compassionate. That however does not mean I haven't encountered homophobia.
Ever since I was in grade six I knew I was different. I came out two years later to a really good friend and continued on to everyone else I knew. I am open but have stopped telling family members that do not know; I don't see why I have to give them heads up for being me. That may be selfish but I shouldn't have to warn people about who I am.
Word travels fast though. By the first week of high school I was pretty much known as 'The Gay James' there are three other guys in my grade with the same name. Other than some Jamaican and Tamil students everyone was pretty accepting; some even applauded me. However I have had one incident that really hurt me. I was in drama class and we were doing this exercise where you write one word and pass it on to develop a script. We stopped and I was supposed to read first; the script I had received from the boy next to me that started at the other side of the room had gay slurs written about me. So did almost every other script thanks to two boys in the class. The only reason it hurt me was because I thought people in my drama class were cool. But some were; people made sure I was okay and others comforted me.
So remember not everyone is homophobic and not everyone will be so kind. Just find your rocks, anchor yourself, and weather the storm.
Ever since I was in grade six I knew I was different. I came out two years later to a really good friend and continued on to everyone else I knew. I am open but have stopped telling family members that do not know; I don't see why I have to give them heads up for being me. That may be selfish but I shouldn't have to warn people about who I am.
Word travels fast though. By the first week of high school I was pretty much known as 'The Gay James' there are three other guys in my grade with the same name. Other than some Jamaican and Tamil students everyone was pretty accepting; some even applauded me. However I have had one incident that really hurt me. I was in drama class and we were doing this exercise where you write one word and pass it on to develop a script. We stopped and I was supposed to read first; the script I had received from the boy next to me that started at the other side of the room had gay slurs written about me. So did almost every other script thanks to two boys in the class. The only reason it hurt me was because I thought people in my drama class were cool. But some were; people made sure I was okay and others comforted me.
So remember not everyone is homophobic and not everyone will be so kind. Just find your rocks, anchor yourself, and weather the storm.
James
My story may seem overly clichéd but it's true. I grew up in a small, rural, and primarily Catholic and Mormon town, and up until I was thirteen I was dead set on Identifying as straight.
I identified myself as bisexual, not that anyone at the time knew, I would sneak into football games, but rather than watch the cheerleaders like my friends, I stared twenty feet behind them, I was watching the football players. It was a year layer before I secretly started dating another boy for two years. We never got more intimate than kissing, petting, cuddling, and when we were absolutely positive we were alone, some shared stroking. When he came out to his parents, he was on a bus out of town that day. I never even said good bye to him.
I'd stay alone for a few more years, it wasn't until I meet my current boyfriend that I felt happy again, though we've never met in person, and we live on opposite sides of the nation, I can't help but love him dearly. But know at eighteen, I'm trying to gather the courage to out myself, it may take some time, but with my boyfriend's support, I know I can do it.
I identified myself as bisexual, not that anyone at the time knew, I would sneak into football games, but rather than watch the cheerleaders like my friends, I stared twenty feet behind them, I was watching the football players. It was a year layer before I secretly started dating another boy for two years. We never got more intimate than kissing, petting, cuddling, and when we were absolutely positive we were alone, some shared stroking. When he came out to his parents, he was on a bus out of town that day. I never even said good bye to him.
I'd stay alone for a few more years, it wasn't until I meet my current boyfriend that I felt happy again, though we've never met in person, and we live on opposite sides of the nation, I can't help but love him dearly. But know at eighteen, I'm trying to gather the courage to out myself, it may take some time, but with my boyfriend's support, I know I can do it.
Duncan
I am 16 years old and I am pretty sure I am gay. I am a sporty guy who loves sports and I have had a lot of interest from girls and had many relationships with them. I never truly enjoyed these, and this is when I first had gay thoughts.
My family and friends are relatively homophobic so I couldn't come out to them. I started acting gay as it were to try and get the message across to them that I was gay without having to say so. So I started wearing more feminine jewellery and got my ears pierced and started watching Glee and HSM. Sadly they failed to get the message, so I am still a closet homosexual.
Some friends at college seem to have got the message and are more accepting than I hoped. Also I found the most wonderful guy at college and we are having a brilliant relationship. I just wish I could take him home with me and let the truth about my sexuality be known.
My family and friends are relatively homophobic so I couldn't come out to them. I started acting gay as it were to try and get the message across to them that I was gay without having to say so. So I started wearing more feminine jewellery and got my ears pierced and started watching Glee and HSM. Sadly they failed to get the message, so I am still a closet homosexual.
Some friends at college seem to have got the message and are more accepting than I hoped. Also I found the most wonderful guy at college and we are having a brilliant relationship. I just wish I could take him home with me and let the truth about my sexuality be known.
Ryan
This story, I feel will not be very interesting, showing I am only a young teenager. I'm not really sure when I decide I was finally gay. Being only young I have not had much experience in life yet.
I have no intention (for now) of coming out to anyone. I live in a Great society, but I need more experience and more confidence to show everyone who I really am inside. I have a great family, my parents especially are really loving. Although it pains me to think about my brother. You see he is homophobic, and gay people, to him are fowl and horrible. It kills me inside when he makes jokes and insults gay people. I of course pretend to laugh with him, but it just kills me inside.
(I'm not sure I am writing the right things, but I feel I have to just 'let it out' in a way)
Although I actually love the thought of being 'gay'. I have, at stages, just wanted to be 'normal', like every one else. I won't go into details; all I will say is this. I read about gay men finding happiness, and I can't wait for the day when I find that guy out there for me.
Everyone wish me luck for the future. Love is real, and can't wait to experience it of myself.
I have no intention (for now) of coming out to anyone. I live in a Great society, but I need more experience and more confidence to show everyone who I really am inside. I have a great family, my parents especially are really loving. Although it pains me to think about my brother. You see he is homophobic, and gay people, to him are fowl and horrible. It kills me inside when he makes jokes and insults gay people. I of course pretend to laugh with him, but it just kills me inside.
(I'm not sure I am writing the right things, but I feel I have to just 'let it out' in a way)
Although I actually love the thought of being 'gay'. I have, at stages, just wanted to be 'normal', like every one else. I won't go into details; all I will say is this. I read about gay men finding happiness, and I can't wait for the day when I find that guy out there for me.
Everyone wish me luck for the future. Love is real, and can't wait to experience it of myself.
Quincy
Hey. My name is Quincy and I have no idea what else to do. It’s like I have created a second person almost with hiding my true sexuality. I'm always going around saying how people need to be real and stop lying but I think I might need to start living up to my advice.
I don't like labels at all and at one point I thought about not having sexuality at all. Like I really just think too much and over analyze things and am intellectually ignorant so I don't have to face the real problem here. I come from a family that values Christian morals, church going etc. very much. Homosexuality is out of the question. I hear people saying things like they should die and they are going to hell and all other horrid things. It makes me so mad and so sad that I can’t even be true to my family. My own blood! Life sucks right now.
As a result of not accepting myself, I have become one of those people who need to always be cautious of how I act and how I come off. If somebody is playing around or "acting gay" I shove it off as if I am uncomfortable because I wouldn't want to play along and get ideas going. If somebody asks me if I'm Gay? I will get angry.
That's the thing. I'm irritated very easily and it does not take much to piss me off to be honest. I am very brutish in speech and in manner sometimes and its not a very attractive quality so I am sometimes very quiet and reserved because I am just tired of being mad. I know how to have a good time and laugh and talk but this is killing me inside and I can’t tell my family or friends.
I'm already brutally honest about how I feel overall but I lie so much when it comes to sexuality, in words and action. The worse part is I don't want it to be true that I'm gay because life is so much easier it seems, but these days yeah right. You can’t even tell when you're going to take your last breath.
I usually appear as a confident, strong-headed, no nonsense individual with a laid back, humorous side but I deep down inside I am so scared and lonely and depressed. The worst part about this is I know my mom will probably disown me.
I don't like labels at all and at one point I thought about not having sexuality at all. Like I really just think too much and over analyze things and am intellectually ignorant so I don't have to face the real problem here. I come from a family that values Christian morals, church going etc. very much. Homosexuality is out of the question. I hear people saying things like they should die and they are going to hell and all other horrid things. It makes me so mad and so sad that I can’t even be true to my family. My own blood! Life sucks right now.
As a result of not accepting myself, I have become one of those people who need to always be cautious of how I act and how I come off. If somebody is playing around or "acting gay" I shove it off as if I am uncomfortable because I wouldn't want to play along and get ideas going. If somebody asks me if I'm Gay? I will get angry.
That's the thing. I'm irritated very easily and it does not take much to piss me off to be honest. I am very brutish in speech and in manner sometimes and its not a very attractive quality so I am sometimes very quiet and reserved because I am just tired of being mad. I know how to have a good time and laugh and talk but this is killing me inside and I can’t tell my family or friends.
I'm already brutally honest about how I feel overall but I lie so much when it comes to sexuality, in words and action. The worse part is I don't want it to be true that I'm gay because life is so much easier it seems, but these days yeah right. You can’t even tell when you're going to take your last breath.
I usually appear as a confident, strong-headed, no nonsense individual with a laid back, humorous side but I deep down inside I am so scared and lonely and depressed. The worst part about this is I know my mom will probably disown me.
Jason
Hi, I have been gay and in denial most of my life. I had lied to myself and never have come out to my family or straight friends. I have always known that I preferred boys to girls. I live in two worlds and keep them apart. I have am not judgmental but I know that the real world does not think the same way and I live in the real world. My gay sex life has been good but unsatisfying because I refuse to come out and leave my straight image in my other world. I have not allowed my gay friends into my other world and visa versa with my straight friends. So sad, I know. I know there must be others out there with the same issues. I have heard stories about how it was in the past and the progress gays have made in being accepted. But we still have "Don't ask, Don't tell." I hope that the future will see us all as truly equal and we can rid ourselves of labels. Don't fret for me. I have enjoyed the good parts of both worlds. Too bad I can't or won't put it all together. But Maybe One Day !
Carlos
My name is Carlos I am turning 21 in two months.
It's been hard for me in the last couple of years realizing who I am. I have always been ask if I am gay! I always say no and try to keep it that way. I don’t know what to do.
I come from a Hispanic family and it seems hard to come out cause u know mexicans are big machos.
I have never been with a guy. I have had several girlfrinds but it's hard to hide the sun with one finger! I dnt know wat to do. i think about guys when I having sex with girls.
I have never been with a guy. I have had several girlfrinds but it's hard to hide the sun with one finger! I dnt know wat to do. i think about guys when I having sex with girls.
Sometime I think evryone knows iam gay and I am the only one that dnt want to realize it. I dont want to be like this!!
How I wish I was normal!!!!
How I wish I was normal!!!!
Jess
Not sure how to begin. I am 30 years old and have dated men, many men. From time to time during my teens, I wondered if I could be gay, telling only certain people about my curiosities. It wasn't until my early 20s that I was adamant on experimenting with kissing a girl... or experimenting... and that was the end of dating men. Ever since then, I've realized that my attraction to women, compared to men was 1000 times stronger ... both emotionally and physically.
To this day, despite me knowing that I will likely always be attracted to women, I still have a difficult time saying that I am gay or a lesbian.
In the last two years, I have had the courage to tell my mother, uncles, sister and close friends willingly - but I still struggle with admitting the truth to others ... both relatives, friends and even colleagues alike.
I am a business professional and from a stereotype perspective ... you couldn't really 'tell' that I am gay ... I guess you can call me a femme.... This works both for and against me, however, as many assume I may have a boyfriend or husband... Because I am not 'out' (and the fact that I am a bad liar), I always seem to have some kind of story I tell ... and if you look closely ... I tell my story with shifty eyes (because I am a horrible liar
Everyone has their own definition of happiness. For me, because I am generally a very open person who knows my gift if connecting with people easily, I often struggle with the person I am because I can't tell the truth about who I am ... and I believe this is setting me back ... as a person... I cannot be completely confident with who I am, because (well) I can't really be whole heartedly who I AM.
And so, as I near thirty one, my hope is that I will continuously find the strength to take the baby steps and do what I need to do (if that's 'coming out') to be stronger and happier.
On a side note, before I sign off ... For those of you who have found the strength to come out and to live 'as much as a normal life' as possible .... thank you for being my inspiration and I would love to hear from you.
Jess.
To this day, despite me knowing that I will likely always be attracted to women, I still have a difficult time saying that I am gay or a lesbian.
In the last two years, I have had the courage to tell my mother, uncles, sister and close friends willingly - but I still struggle with admitting the truth to others ... both relatives, friends and even colleagues alike.
I am a business professional and from a stereotype perspective ... you couldn't really 'tell' that I am gay ... I guess you can call me a femme.... This works both for and against me, however, as many assume I may have a boyfriend or husband... Because I am not 'out' (and the fact that I am a bad liar), I always seem to have some kind of story I tell ... and if you look closely ... I tell my story with shifty eyes (because I am a horrible liar
Everyone has their own definition of happiness. For me, because I am generally a very open person who knows my gift if connecting with people easily, I often struggle with the person I am because I can't tell the truth about who I am ... and I believe this is setting me back ... as a person... I cannot be completely confident with who I am, because (well) I can't really be whole heartedly who I AM.
And so, as I near thirty one, my hope is that I will continuously find the strength to take the baby steps and do what I need to do (if that's 'coming out') to be stronger and happier.
On a side note, before I sign off ... For those of you who have found the strength to come out and to live 'as much as a normal life' as possible .... thank you for being my inspiration and I would love to hear from you.
Jess.
Kelsie
The reason your reading this story is to hear of how some one, like me, a lesbian of a young age came out to their parents and friends so that maybe you can decide what to do and how to do it. And how long they have known. Well I would love to tell you its amazing and easy, but some of the time that's not the case. I'm 16 years old and have known I am a lesbian and have been since 3rd grade when I began to like my best best friend; but it was 3rd grade and it wasn't right, or so I thought, and now I have a wonderful girlfriend, and she was the one who gave me strength to "come out" to my parents. She told me no matter what happened she would stick by my side.
So I told my mom and she stood there like I had just told her I kill a man. Then walked away. Not a word, not even a glimpse into my eyes. So I figured she hated me, I was wrong. She came up to me a few hours later and told me she loved me for being so brave, brave enough to tell her. She told me that nothing in the world would ever change the way she felt about me, I am her daughter and she will love me unconditionally for the rest of my life. But my dad, well hes a different sorry. I haven't told him because its I guess just not that easy. He would know if he didn't divorce my mom. But he did and doesn't know and I have no clue if I can ever tell him. See I have a cousin that is a lesbian and he wont let me talk to her or see her because of that fact, what if I tell him and he never wants to see me again? So for now my wonderful girlfriend Lara is just a friend I have to call every night I'm at his house because of various made up reasons.
I want you all to know, no matter how hard it is one day will be the day you will tell everyone who matters. And if they dont accept you, its their loss. Be stronger than I am tell the people you love so you can be free of the ties that hold you down. So that you can love who you want with or with out acceptance from anyone and every one. You can be you and love who you love regardless of gender or race. It's ok.
Ashlee
Well I am 15 years old and I have known that something was differnt about me since the 5th grade. My freshmen year I had fully come to terms with who I am. I'm a lesbian. It's not like a go around yelling it but if people ask I will tell them the truth. Alot of people at my school aren't exactly "yay gay" because I go to an all girl catholic private school, it's not exactly looked well at by all the nuns.
But the first person I told was my best friend of 14 years, I just told her I had something to tell her and I told her. Actually, she already knew and had known. So of course she was okay with it. After that coming out to my other friends got easier and easier. I was planning on telling my parents but I was never sure how. And the day I did come out to them it was the last thing on my mind. I was in a "gay friendly" store with my parents and pointed out a wallet that I liked that happened to have a rainbow on it, which wasn't even why I wanted it. My mom jokingly asked if I was gay and if that's why I broke up with my last boyfriend. Knowing the answer was yes I walked out of the store.
After I got home I was lying on my bed and my mom walked in and told me to talk to her. I told her. Her response: "so what, you dig chicks." it had gone very well, way better than I had ever expected. And my mom told my dad, and him and I had a talk on the back of his pick up truck and he told me that I can always talk to him about anything. Well, thats how I came out, gay and proud(:
But the first person I told was my best friend of 14 years, I just told her I had something to tell her and I told her. Actually, she already knew and had known. So of course she was okay with it. After that coming out to my other friends got easier and easier. I was planning on telling my parents but I was never sure how. And the day I did come out to them it was the last thing on my mind. I was in a "gay friendly" store with my parents and pointed out a wallet that I liked that happened to have a rainbow on it, which wasn't even why I wanted it. My mom jokingly asked if I was gay and if that's why I broke up with my last boyfriend. Knowing the answer was yes I walked out of the store.
After I got home I was lying on my bed and my mom walked in and told me to talk to her. I told her. Her response: "so what, you dig chicks." it had gone very well, way better than I had ever expected. And my mom told my dad, and him and I had a talk on the back of his pick up truck and he told me that I can always talk to him about anything. Well, thats how I came out, gay and proud(:
Nicole
I'm 15 and I'm bisexual. I have known for a long time, at least since I was 9. When I first realized what the feelings I had really were it took me a long time to accept it. I wasnt raised in a very religious family but my mother and step father are openly homophobic so i kept telling myself that the feelings were bad and wrong. i kept trying to convince myself that they would just go away. I absolutely hated myself and would cry about it sometimes at night. When i was about 12 i finally realized that i was bisexual and that the feelings werent going to go away and i started to come to terms with it.
The first person i told was my best friend. It had been driving me crazy not telling her so we were walking to the park and i just told her. I was like really nervous and she asked me what was wrong so i asked her what she would do if i had a really big secret. she said she wouldnt tell anyone so i just blurted it out to her. she was completely cool with it. it didnt bother her at all.
After that i slowly started coming out to my close friends and eventually in the middle of 8th grade i came out to everyone at school. I got some negative reactions but mostly people just left me alone. a few people actually came to me to ask for advice cause they felt they same way and it was just like woah. i didnt expect that.
The way i came out to my parents was not pleasant. I had just gotten in huge trouble for breaking curfew by alot freshman year and for some reason i decided to say i only keep one secret from you when i was getting yelled at for lying and being untrustworthy. They like immediately jumped on me about that so like i was half crying and super upset when i told them. My dad didnt care then and still doesnt care now. It completely didnt phase him. My mom was just like NO and walked out of the room. My step dad just like froze up and followed her. No was the only word i heard from them for about 2 weeks but then like my mom just put it behind her and hasnt brought it up since. I know that all parents are supposed to understand after a while but not my mother. I am forbidden to have a girlfriend and she was flat out told me that she would not go to my wedding if i marry a girl. But even though all of this i dont regret telling her because its like a huge weight of my chest, even if she doesnt accept it.
The first person i told was my best friend. It had been driving me crazy not telling her so we were walking to the park and i just told her. I was like really nervous and she asked me what was wrong so i asked her what she would do if i had a really big secret. she said she wouldnt tell anyone so i just blurted it out to her. she was completely cool with it. it didnt bother her at all.
After that i slowly started coming out to my close friends and eventually in the middle of 8th grade i came out to everyone at school. I got some negative reactions but mostly people just left me alone. a few people actually came to me to ask for advice cause they felt they same way and it was just like woah. i didnt expect that.
The way i came out to my parents was not pleasant. I had just gotten in huge trouble for breaking curfew by alot freshman year and for some reason i decided to say i only keep one secret from you when i was getting yelled at for lying and being untrustworthy. They like immediately jumped on me about that so like i was half crying and super upset when i told them. My dad didnt care then and still doesnt care now. It completely didnt phase him. My mom was just like NO and walked out of the room. My step dad just like froze up and followed her. No was the only word i heard from them for about 2 weeks but then like my mom just put it behind her and hasnt brought it up since. I know that all parents are supposed to understand after a while but not my mother. I am forbidden to have a girlfriend and she was flat out told me that she would not go to my wedding if i marry a girl. But even though all of this i dont regret telling her because its like a huge weight of my chest, even if she doesnt accept it.
Ruby
I am 15 years old, and I'm a lesbian. I've always known I was, but I was afraid to come out, because well it's scary. I recently came out and my friends accepted me. I had one friend who backed away for awhile and it hurt me because she was a close friend. She wouldn't even look at me or let alone let me touch her. She came around and now she's close to me again. she apologised for acting the way she did. I told my parents. My mum started crying and I was too afraid to tell my dad because he never truly accepted them. That night my mumsy told my dad and she started crying again and he told her "Why are you crying, she's still our daughter" so I thought he would accept me. To this day, he doesn't even speak about it and gets upset when I say gay or queer. it hurts so much that they can't accept it. My mum still wants to believe I'll like a guy and it gets me mad. Before I came out my sister always called me a lesbian or dyke when she got mad at me. Often times I'd start crying and run away. Now she knows the truth and apologised to me for ever calling me those names. Some people do hate me because I'm queer. and it does hurt no matter what anyone says. I act like it doesn't and I turn my back. I don't let them see me cry but at night I still get into a ball and cry myself to sleep hoping I'll meet the girl of my dreams and everyone will just accept me. I wish I was accepted.
Carol
I am 15 and bisexual. I've yet to tell my family though I think some of my relatives already suspect that I'm not fully straight. I am one of those people that don't tell people I'm bi - it's one of those things that if you ask me I'll answer - because frankly I don't see why it's any of their business. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that people like to "confess" to others like family or friends and I've done it as well. And it truly does help a person accept or acknowledge who they truly are, it's like the final piece of the puzzle.
It doesn't change your identity at all and it's not a choice it's a way of life. Some deny the truth about who they are and while I do understand that certain conditions may force a person to denial it's not healthy and the truth will come out one way or another so might as well acknowledge it whenever possible. The truth will set you free.
I myself was ignorant of my bisexuality or at least the perception people viewed bisexuality until middle school but it clarified the feelings(crushes) I had for girls and boys in elementary school. I also didn't accept my bisexuality until 7th grade and when I did come out the year later most of my friends already suspected - and weren't cringing or flinching away like I was a freak which was a great relief because the acceptance helped me accept myself.
Now, I'm in high school about to be a junior and in heads-over-heels for this girl. just because I'm bisexual doesn't mean that I'm one to take initiative in my previous relationships my former boy and girl friends had to ask, i'm just like any regular awkward teen even if i'm bisexual.
So good luck for those who are still on the fence about their sexuality and i hope this helped.
So good luck for those who are still on the fence about their sexuality and i hope this helped.
Anonymous
As of today, I can let you all know that I am still having difficulties of being accepted within my family but I am fully supported by a good handful of close friends for the type of person that I am truly deep down inside.
I do not like to label myself as a bi-sexual or lesbian because whether it's the right man or woman comes into my life, that is who I will share my life with.
I am currently a college student into my 3rd year but I have been struggling to fully accept myself since I have been in the 2nd grade. I have been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend for the past 1-2 years and she has been very supportive of what I do and have gone through especially with a strict, religious family and church pastor!
She is the second girl that I have been in a relationship with after the relationship with the first girl failed terribly in trust issues, wonders and very little communication. I have dated and been in relationships with guys, a good number but never fell into the trap of giving my virginity with them and I don't regret of losing it to the person I love very much, the girl that I am dating now.
I've realized I have started to gain a big interest on girls when back in 2nd grade, I had moved from an old school to a new one. Since I was new to my surroundings during that time and by that young age, holding each other's hands (same sex) was acceptable because it was just a symbol of caring.
I don't know if it's just myself or others but i have a very strong love and care for others before me at a young age. So one of my classmates was my tour partner and she held my hand....WHAT AN AMAZING FEELING it was! It feel acceptance and just the whole definition of everything that I've thought of a relationship was. I never told anyone about this except the person that I am dating. I let the feeling go numb over my elementary years to the point that I was homophobic in 9th grade until my curiosity peaked out in 10th grade of high school after a conversation with my bisexual cousin. "People are created equal and should be respected by others"- that's what my cousin told me and this was the turning point of my life where I knew that I had to do something about my interest of girls.
I had a crush on a close friend but I thought it was just a phase so I ended up being known in my group of friends that I was 'boy-crazy'. Until my freshmen year of college, this is when I started exploring what I was so curious about. So this is where I am today but most importantly, and I hope you all take this in consideration....I've realized that the most important factor to go through all the difficulties and to be strong when you down, find something to work hard upon (a job, chore or even homework assignment), and let time speak for itself. NEVER GIVE UP!
I do not like to label myself as a bi-sexual or lesbian because whether it's the right man or woman comes into my life, that is who I will share my life with.
I am currently a college student into my 3rd year but I have been struggling to fully accept myself since I have been in the 2nd grade. I have been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend for the past 1-2 years and she has been very supportive of what I do and have gone through especially with a strict, religious family and church pastor!
She is the second girl that I have been in a relationship with after the relationship with the first girl failed terribly in trust issues, wonders and very little communication. I have dated and been in relationships with guys, a good number but never fell into the trap of giving my virginity with them and I don't regret of losing it to the person I love very much, the girl that I am dating now.
I've realized I have started to gain a big interest on girls when back in 2nd grade, I had moved from an old school to a new one. Since I was new to my surroundings during that time and by that young age, holding each other's hands (same sex) was acceptable because it was just a symbol of caring.
I don't know if it's just myself or others but i have a very strong love and care for others before me at a young age. So one of my classmates was my tour partner and she held my hand....WHAT AN AMAZING FEELING it was! It feel acceptance and just the whole definition of everything that I've thought of a relationship was. I never told anyone about this except the person that I am dating. I let the feeling go numb over my elementary years to the point that I was homophobic in 9th grade until my curiosity peaked out in 10th grade of high school after a conversation with my bisexual cousin. "People are created equal and should be respected by others"- that's what my cousin told me and this was the turning point of my life where I knew that I had to do something about my interest of girls.
I had a crush on a close friend but I thought it was just a phase so I ended up being known in my group of friends that I was 'boy-crazy'. Until my freshmen year of college, this is when I started exploring what I was so curious about. So this is where I am today but most importantly, and I hope you all take this in consideration....I've realized that the most important factor to go through all the difficulties and to be strong when you down, find something to work hard upon (a job, chore or even homework assignment), and let time speak for itself. NEVER GIVE UP!
Lilly
Hello I am Lilly. I was always pretty sure I was straight, I mean I have always fancied guys, and never even looked at girls or fancied any of them. However I have just met a girl a few months ago, and we just clicked. We got really close and joked around about liking each other. I mean at first I was joking, we were just good mates and just had a laugh. But then I realized I genuinely really like her and when she told me she had wanted to kiss me, we kind of realized this was real. At first it is pretty scary and so confusing; I am only just coming to terms with the fact that I fancy a girl.
After talking about it we have decided to keep it to ourselves. I don’t have the guts to tell my family just yet, I need to decide how I feel first also I don’t know how they would react. I think my friends would be more understanding as one of my best friends came out as Bi last year. I’m not ashamed of liking a girl and I don’t think anyone should be. I just want people to know they are not alone in making these decisions and they can take their time in deciding what is best for them like we are doing.
After talking about it we have decided to keep it to ourselves. I don’t have the guts to tell my family just yet, I need to decide how I feel first also I don’t know how they would react. I think my friends would be more understanding as one of my best friends came out as Bi last year. I’m not ashamed of liking a girl and I don’t think anyone should be. I just want people to know they are not alone in making these decisions and they can take their time in deciding what is best for them like we are doing.
Evelyn
I am 18 years old, and I have known that I'm gay my whole life.
Many times I have blamed God, and said I was born the wrong gender. I would cry myself to sleep at night when I was 13. I wanted a real family of my own, but i thought it would come with the price of being unhappy.
I still remember being seven, and in the first grade. I went to hangout with my first best friend at her house, for the first time. We went swimming and afterward we got in her shower to change out of our cold bathing suits, and let the water warm our skin. I remember running my hands along her skin. the feeling blew my mind. I got into my mothers car later to go home, and in telling her the exciting parts of my day I blurted out that we had been naked in her shower, touching. I guess maybe I didn't know back then that this wasn't exactly normal. I was quite young. I remember my mother slammed on the brakes, and gave me a look that I'll never forget. she told me never to do that again. I felt so ashamed. I just wanted to be "normal."
I'm almost positive that my best friend was ashamed of the feelings too, but she remained in my life for several years. Always close yet always distant.
I didn't "come out" until I was sixteen. I was ashamed of who I was, but I've learned to accept myself, and so have the people who truly care about me.
I've learned that the only thing to be ashamed of is to not give love a chance, no matter how crazy it seems.
The world has become a much more accepting place than in the past, and the future is even brighter.
I wouldn't change my gender or my sexual orientation if someone paid me.
Many times I have blamed God, and said I was born the wrong gender. I would cry myself to sleep at night when I was 13. I wanted a real family of my own, but i thought it would come with the price of being unhappy.
I still remember being seven, and in the first grade. I went to hangout with my first best friend at her house, for the first time. We went swimming and afterward we got in her shower to change out of our cold bathing suits, and let the water warm our skin. I remember running my hands along her skin. the feeling blew my mind. I got into my mothers car later to go home, and in telling her the exciting parts of my day I blurted out that we had been naked in her shower, touching. I guess maybe I didn't know back then that this wasn't exactly normal. I was quite young. I remember my mother slammed on the brakes, and gave me a look that I'll never forget. she told me never to do that again. I felt so ashamed. I just wanted to be "normal."
I'm almost positive that my best friend was ashamed of the feelings too, but she remained in my life for several years. Always close yet always distant.
I didn't "come out" until I was sixteen. I was ashamed of who I was, but I've learned to accept myself, and so have the people who truly care about me.
I've learned that the only thing to be ashamed of is to not give love a chance, no matter how crazy it seems.
The world has become a much more accepting place than in the past, and the future is even brighter.
I wouldn't change my gender or my sexual orientation if someone paid me.
Anon Girl
I am a 20 year old girl and bisexual.
I have known for a few years now. At first I thought it was a phase that would pass and had a few boyfriends over the years putting any feelings I had towards girls to the back of my mind as best I could. This went ok until I got stronger, deep feelings for a girl. one of the hardest parts was loving some1 so much and not being able to tell her how I felt and knowing that if i did tell her I would have lost her as a friend altogether. I was angry with myself for how I felt and was too embarrassed to tell anyone, my feelings were tearing me apart. And began to develop a stupid method of coping with them. I began to self harm. Every time I felt overwhelmed with anger or sadness I would cut myself. This is my biggest ever regret as I am now left with some scars on my arms. At the time though 4 some reason this felt like a normal way of coping. After about a year of this I seen sense and stopped.
The girl I fell for was a friend who fell out with me. I still to this day don't Know why as she never knew about my sexuality or self harming. This broke my heart but after a while I met a guy who became my boyfriend. Everything was fine until I met another girl who became my best friend. After a while my feelings for her grew stronger. Although I trusted her I couldn't tell her how I felt about her. After a while I broke up with my boyfriend as I knew it wasn't right me leading him on. As time went by me and my best friend became really close and my feelings for her have changed. I see her more like a sister now which is a lot better.
It's got to the point now where I feel like I need to tell some1 about me being bisexual as it's tearing me apart and although me and my best friend are really close I’m scared of telling her. I don't want to loose her or for her be distant towards me. I know that people say if she is a true friend she will stick by me but some people feel really uncomfortable with the idea and I wouldn't blame her for that if she did. I know my mum would stand by me but I am embarrassed to tell her. I'm not ashamed of who I am just scared of how people will react and it's making me miserable...I don't know what to do
Tarah
I am only 14, I had a girlfriend, and she was my first. I had no idea that I was gay just that I had feelings for her. It was weird at first because I didn't know if she "rolled like that" but I sort of knew I always did. I was never the " OH I need some lip gloss and more make-up!" so i was always a "tomboy" i guess but now that I’m in high school I’m starting to realize that women are MUCH more appealing to me then men are, and that freaked me out, it still does cause I’m still so young.
I definitely like girls that are for sure, but I also still like guys too. it confuses me sometimes cause at one point I’ll be thinking NOPE it was just a faze I’m not gay. And then I’ll be thinking that i am totally gay and men don't have the same attraction. I think that most of the time but there are those days when I feel the other way.
But hearing about all this bisexual talk I think that it's a real sexuality on its own I used to think that it meant that you we're a slut or didn't know what you were doing or trying to find yourself. But now I know that its nothing like that. Unless that’s how you’re using it.
I definitely like girls that are for sure, but I also still like guys too. it confuses me sometimes cause at one point I’ll be thinking NOPE it was just a faze I’m not gay. And then I’ll be thinking that i am totally gay and men don't have the same attraction. I think that most of the time but there are those days when I feel the other way.
But hearing about all this bisexual talk I think that it's a real sexuality on its own I used to think that it meant that you we're a slut or didn't know what you were doing or trying to find yourself. But now I know that its nothing like that. Unless that’s how you’re using it.
Amber
I guess in a way I have always known there was something different about me. When I was younger (6-7) I kept these journals, it’s been almost eleven years since I looked a these journals and was surprised by what I saw. Even when I was younger, my perfect wedding day never consisted of a man and a woman. Instead, I had drawn a picture of two brides. I always wrote about how someday I would meet the perfect girl, and we would be together forever.
Well, it was not till I started ninth grade all this sank in. At the beginning of ninth grade, I decided i was going to try and see how things worked with guys. So I dated on and off with guys, but never felt any connection with them. Instead we ended up as friends, or sometimes never spoke again. Knowing things weren't going so well there, I began to look for a girlfriend. Her name was kit, and she was absolutely amazing. As time went on I began to think, maybe I am gay.
This year, my junior year, i decided to come out to my parents. They took it horribly and banned me from seeing kit and eventually we broke up. My mom would push guys at me, and wanting to please her i would give in and date them. I felt so awful about hurting them, but i couldn't stand hurting my family anymore that I already had.
Even now I am not open fully anymore with my family. I am dating an incredible girl named Christina whom means the world to me. My parents believe she is a friend, and I’m happy to keep it that way. But I now know that I’m a lesbian, and I am proud of it. Even if i have no support from my family, my friends back me up all the way
Meghan
I've always known that i liked girls, but at the same time i liked boys too.
It took me awhile to come to the terms that i was a bisexual. I always thought being bisexual mean that you dint know what you were, then one day I looked up the word "bisexual" and found out that it doesn't mean you don't now who you are it means that you like both side.
I told the first person that i was a bisexual at the beginning of my grade 8 school year, it was hard for me to tell him because it would be the first time i actually admitted to someone what i was. It all went well and he understood.
The following year I feel in love a girl named Laura, me and her were friends for a long time but that time I truly fell for her. I never did tell her that I liked her was always afraid of what she would say.
A year went by and a new girl came to my school. She was far the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, her name was Cece and she was a lesbian and really out and proud and I guess we just automatically clicked because its been a year and a half that we have been dating and i am now out and proud as she is.
It took me awhile to come to the terms that i was a bisexual. I always thought being bisexual mean that you dint know what you were, then one day I looked up the word "bisexual" and found out that it doesn't mean you don't now who you are it means that you like both side.
I told the first person that i was a bisexual at the beginning of my grade 8 school year, it was hard for me to tell him because it would be the first time i actually admitted to someone what i was. It all went well and he understood.
The following year I feel in love a girl named Laura, me and her were friends for a long time but that time I truly fell for her. I never did tell her that I liked her was always afraid of what she would say.
A year went by and a new girl came to my school. She was far the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, her name was Cece and she was a lesbian and really out and proud and I guess we just automatically clicked because its been a year and a half that we have been dating and i am now out and proud as she is.
Caity
I guess I first realized I was truly a lesbian when I was in eighth grade. I had a friend that soon became my best friend and we would spend all of our time together. She was so funny and smart and I was irrevocably in love with her
As our friendship progressed and grew stronger I thought it was time to tell her how I felt...well I did and she felt the same way too. On that same night that I told her my feelings we had sex for the first time. It was beautiful and I loved every minute of it.
Since then we have grown apart due to family situations. I have liked guys and I have had sex with guys.....but I love women. I am now 18 years old and I will be getting married to my fiancé....heather. God has truly blessed me.
Coming out was easy for me with my family.....my mother already suspected it. My little brother doesn't see me any different.....but I guess what I'm trying to say is be who you are and don't let life or anyone dictate who u are and what you are.
God bless anyone who is hurting or struggling with their sexual orientation. You will find yourself soon enough.
As our friendship progressed and grew stronger I thought it was time to tell her how I felt...well I did and she felt the same way too. On that same night that I told her my feelings we had sex for the first time. It was beautiful and I loved every minute of it.
Since then we have grown apart due to family situations. I have liked guys and I have had sex with guys.....but I love women. I am now 18 years old and I will be getting married to my fiancé....heather. God has truly blessed me.
Coming out was easy for me with my family.....my mother already suspected it. My little brother doesn't see me any different.....but I guess what I'm trying to say is be who you are and don't let life or anyone dictate who u are and what you are.
God bless anyone who is hurting or struggling with their sexual orientation. You will find yourself soon enough.
Shenandoah
I knew since I was in Elementary school. I was never very interested in guys, they always seemed like good friends to me. In 6th grade, I came out as bi-sexual to a few close friends. My best friend, we'll call her Chantal, was gorgeous...curvy, sensual, and sweet. She had an amazing laugh. I really liked her, and she liked me. One night I slept over at her house, and the whole night I was dying to kiss her. A few days later, we both confessed that we really had wanted to kiss. We both knew we were bi-sexual, but I thought it could possibly be something more.
Fast forward to the beginning of 7th grade, I met my first girlfriend, who is now my best friend, she was my first kiss. It was explosive and passionate; I'll never ever forget the feeling. She broke my heart; I got depressed, felt worthless, and developed an eating disorder (etc. etc). I thought that maybe if I was thinner, people would love me...During all of my heartbreak, I developed a crush on my best friend. She was so gorgeous, and at that time, all that I wanted. There was a drawback of course. She was straight. I confessed my feelings to my other friend, who told the girl I liked /everything/ (including how I wanted to try and "convert" her). I wanted to die. My best friend ignored me for months. I was so broken.
During the summer before 8th grade, I started going to therapy. It's really helped me heal, and I guess I looked a little less sickly because guys started liking me. In the beginning of the school year I went out with one, a grade ahead (9th), and I never really liked him more than a friend. I felt bad, because he really liked me. I met a girl, we'll just go with her real name, Carly. She wasn't a virgin. All my friends told me she was bad news...the first time I had talked to her, though, I fell absolutely head over heels in love. I believe we only lasted 2 weeks. She was depressed and a cutter (I broke her addiction to cutting though, yay!), and she was my angel. I slept over at her house, we kissed, she and I got topless, and it was amazing. I never felt so much intensity as when I looked in her eyes. She and I could just study each others faces and bodies for hours. I loved waking up with her. When she broke up with me, though, I got sad again. I had learned my lesson the first time, however, and didn't let myself go. I held my head up high. I became free and just loved myself. Of course, then I had to go and get myself a boyfriend, which lasted nearly 2 months, but I broke it off. He was just a friend to me and I felt nothing when we kissed, basically I knew then. That it was true, I am gay.
I'm in 8th grade. I've accepted myself, so have my parents and friends. I am proud, and I wish you luck.
Fast forward to the beginning of 7th grade, I met my first girlfriend, who is now my best friend, she was my first kiss. It was explosive and passionate; I'll never ever forget the feeling. She broke my heart; I got depressed, felt worthless, and developed an eating disorder (etc. etc). I thought that maybe if I was thinner, people would love me...During all of my heartbreak, I developed a crush on my best friend. She was so gorgeous, and at that time, all that I wanted. There was a drawback of course. She was straight. I confessed my feelings to my other friend, who told the girl I liked /everything/ (including how I wanted to try and "convert" her). I wanted to die. My best friend ignored me for months. I was so broken.
During the summer before 8th grade, I started going to therapy. It's really helped me heal, and I guess I looked a little less sickly because guys started liking me. In the beginning of the school year I went out with one, a grade ahead (9th), and I never really liked him more than a friend. I felt bad, because he really liked me. I met a girl, we'll just go with her real name, Carly. She wasn't a virgin. All my friends told me she was bad news...the first time I had talked to her, though, I fell absolutely head over heels in love. I believe we only lasted 2 weeks. She was depressed and a cutter (I broke her addiction to cutting though, yay!), and she was my angel. I slept over at her house, we kissed, she and I got topless, and it was amazing. I never felt so much intensity as when I looked in her eyes. She and I could just study each others faces and bodies for hours. I loved waking up with her. When she broke up with me, though, I got sad again. I had learned my lesson the first time, however, and didn't let myself go. I held my head up high. I became free and just loved myself. Of course, then I had to go and get myself a boyfriend, which lasted nearly 2 months, but I broke it off. He was just a friend to me and I felt nothing when we kissed, basically I knew then. That it was true, I am gay.
I'm in 8th grade. I've accepted myself, so have my parents and friends. I am proud, and I wish you luck.
Molly
I've been different for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was four I pretended to be a boy. Ever since I was eight I hurt myself for sexual gratification. Ever since I was fourteen I've been attracted strongly to both sexes. For my entire elementary school experience I was beaten up by other kids and pushed by my parents to do better.
Now I know what I am. I am bisexual, bigender, polyandrous, and strongly sexually submissive. It took twenty-one years to realize this. I regret all the years I lied to myself and tried in vain to be normal. I finally made my peace and I have a wonderful girlfriend and an amazing boyfriend. I only wish I had done all this sooner. All the years I spent in that horrid limbo, thinking that I was a freak, they were self-imposed hell based on my parent's beliefs. Now I am happy, I can kiss girls and know that it is a demonstration of love rather than a childish game. I can be spanked and feel something so intense that there is no word for it. I feel loved and I love myself.
I know that I am not 'normal' but I don't want to pretend any longer. There are probably a lot of girls and boys out there, men and women even, going though what I went though. It's hard and families don't always understand. The thing is, it's what I am, it's what we are and there's no denying that. The more of us there are the stronger we grow. It's time to stop denying ourselves happiness and find people that we can love.
Good luck and, should you believe in such a thing, God bless.
Now I know what I am. I am bisexual, bigender, polyandrous, and strongly sexually submissive. It took twenty-one years to realize this. I regret all the years I lied to myself and tried in vain to be normal. I finally made my peace and I have a wonderful girlfriend and an amazing boyfriend. I only wish I had done all this sooner. All the years I spent in that horrid limbo, thinking that I was a freak, they were self-imposed hell based on my parent's beliefs. Now I am happy, I can kiss girls and know that it is a demonstration of love rather than a childish game. I can be spanked and feel something so intense that there is no word for it. I feel loved and I love myself.
I know that I am not 'normal' but I don't want to pretend any longer. There are probably a lot of girls and boys out there, men and women even, going though what I went though. It's hard and families don't always understand. The thing is, it's what I am, it's what we are and there's no denying that. The more of us there are the stronger we grow. It's time to stop denying ourselves happiness and find people that we can love.
Good luck and, should you believe in such a thing, God bless.
HOW TO SPEND LESS AND SAVE MORE MONEY
Instructions
1.
Realize that every dollar you don't spend, is another dollar you can add to your piggy bank. Small amounts can add to a large sum and it's important to use that mindset if you want to spend less and save more money.
2.
Evaluate everything you spend money on. Go over your bills one at a time, and cut where you can. Do you really need all of those TV channels? Cut back to a cheaper cable/satellite package, or get rid of it all together. Most libraries offer free DVD and VHS rentals and you can watch thousands of shows online for free.
3.
See if you can save money on your insurance. Make sure you are getting all of the discounts you are entitled too, for example if you have a home security system you can often get a discount on your homeowners insurance. If you have taken a defensive driving course, you may qualify for a discount on your auto policy. Raising your deductibles will lower your monthly payments as well.
4.
Save energy where you can. Use CFL bulbs, unplug things when you aren't using them, lower your thermostat, make sure your home is well insulated, close off rooms you aren't using so you can only heat the rooms you need, wash your clothes in cold water etc. See more energy saving tips in the related article in the resources section below.
5.
Stop throwing away money. Use reusable cloth bags when you go shopping - many stores give you a discount for each of your own bags that you use. Buy cloth rags to use for cleaning instead of paper towels. Make your own cleaning supplies. See if you can cut down on your garbage bill by having fewer pick-ups and take advantage of recycling programs. Quit buying bottled water. Install a water filter and you will quickly recoup the costs and will have less waste.
6.
Cut back on your food costs. Make more things from scratch, for example dried beans are much cheaper than canned. Eat more vegetarian meals. Consider growing some of your own food. You'll find doing these things can be healthier as well. Use coupons! Coupons are money in your pocket. Get free samples in the mail. You can get free samples for shampoos, food items and more.
7.
Do other things such as paying your bills online whenever possible. You will save on the cost of postage and the cost of checks. Get your hair cut less often and consider using a less expensive salon. Be sure and look for coupons for this and any other service you use in your local newspapers or mailings.
8.
Evaluate your own spending habits and see what you can cut out or spend less on. Every dollar adds up and you might find it can be quite simple to spend less and save more money.
Budget Isn't a Bad Word
When you hear the word “budget”, what does it mean to you? If you’re like most people, you probably think of it as an unpleasant activity that means you have to financially deprive yourself. This couldn’t be further from the truth, yet this is the typical reason that most budgets fail.
Think of it as Managing Money
Your budget isn’t created to make your life miserable; it is simply a guide to help you manage your money. We all have income, and we all have expenses, and without proper allocation of the money something may fall short. The goal when creating a budget is to lay the foundation for allocating what portion of your income is required to cover each expense.
A Budget is Like a Recipe
If you are going to bake a cake from scratch, you’ll probably want to use a recipe to ensure it bakes properly and tastes delicious. A recipe is simply a list of required ingredients along with the quantity, followed by instructions on how to add them together. If the recipe is followed properly, you will be rewarded with a tasty final product.
Your personal finances aren’t much different. Your income is the sum of ingredients, and your expenses are the quantities to use, while the budget tells you how to put it all together. With a cake recipe, if you short an egg or put in too much flower, the cake will not taste right or even bake properly at all. The same goes for your finances. If you spend too much money on one expense it may make you short on another expense, which would yield results that are less than expected.
Take Control of Your Money
When you create a budget, you take control of your money so that it doesn’t control you. Don’t let the negative image of a budget making your life miserable keep you from taking control. You can still enjoy yourself and even include discretionary or “fun money” in your budget. The goal is to simply create an outline for your money that puts you in control so that it doesn’t control you.
HOW TO GROW RICH WITHOUT A LOT OF MONEY
Want to grow rich over time but don't make a lot of money? Well look no further, this article will give you tips and advice on how to end up with a lot of money even with a regular job.
Difficulty: Moderately Challenging
Instructions
THINGS YOU'LL NEED:
· A PLAN
· PERSISTENCE
· DISCIPLINE
1.
You simply must be disciplined with your money. I cannot stress how important this step is. You have to spend less money than you make. You should be striving to put as much money away for your future as possible, ideally 10-15% of your salary.
2.
If you do not already do so, sign up for your 401K at your job and max out your contributions every year. Put as much money as you can into your account as you can every year.
3.
Open your own retirement account for you to put money into. The best choice would be to open up retirement account and invest aggressively in this account.
4.
Protect some of your assets by investing in more stable investments like gold and treasury bonds. You want to have some money in these types of investments to protect some of your assets.
5.
Look to create as much passive income as you can for yourself. You want to strive to have investments like real estate, royalties, inventions, websites, and products, all of which earn you money every month.
Tips & Warnings
· These tips will help you grow rich over time even if you don't make a lot of money. Just stay disciplined and focused on the goal.
The most popular savings accounts
- THE SAVINGS ACCOUNT
- THE CURRENT ACCOUNT
- THE FIXED DEPOSIT ACCOUNT
Savings accounts are a great way to establish a “rainy day fund” in the event of emergencies. The best savings accounts are from banks that offer high interest rates and friendly customer service. By establishing a savings bank account, you can rest assured that you will have money in case of emergency. Whether someone loses their job, is unable to work for a long period of time, or has to take care of someone ill, these bank accounts will help steady their finances for a specific period of time.
The best savings accounts available are those that offer competitive interest rates. Some of the other bank accounts may offer incentives for saving so much per month, year, etc. Many money market accounts are available with high interest yield to up your savings just because you leave your money alone in your account.
How do Bank Interest Rates Work?
Take for example, a savings deposit of $1,000 when opening the account, and $50 each week after. After 3 months, you would have $1,600. Most banks pay interest on a quarterly basis. Let’s imagine your interest rate is 5.3%. Your quarterly interest on your $1,600 would be $84.90. After 1 year of keeping the same savings routine, you would yield $4,408.28. That’s only 1 year of savings. This demonstrates how important finding one of the best savings accounts out there is to your financial health.
Take for example, a savings deposit of $1,000 when opening the account, and $50 each week after. After 3 months, you would have $1,600. Most banks pay interest on a quarterly basis. Let’s imagine your interest rate is 5.3%. Your quarterly interest on your $1,600 would be $84.90. After 1 year of keeping the same savings routine, you would yield $4,408.28. That’s only 1 year of savings. This demonstrates how important finding one of the best savings accounts out there is to your financial health.
Features of Savings Accounts
Some financial institutions such as Bank of America have created “Keep The Change,” a savings feature on their account. Each account holder can choose to implement this program with their account. Every purchase that is made is rounded to the nearest dollar and that difference is transferred to their savings accounts. This is another great way to save yet even more money and helps managing a check book even easier for those math deficient individuals.
Another way for help with savings is by finding a bank that allows direct deposit within your account from your paycheck. Some people simply cannot save, however by choosing an amount from each paycheck that will be placed in their savings. They are able to do so with the help of their bank.
Best Ways to get the Best Rates
Ask bankers for the best ways to find the best savings accounts. Ultimately, each person’s needs vary. From the spending habits to monthly bills and salary, all of these factor into how much money someone can save comfortably within their life time. The best savings accounts allow you to yield large amounts of money by placing minimum amounts within an account. By finding a high interest rate account, you are giving yourself more money in the long run. What could be better?
No matter where you live, the best savings accounts out there can be found. Do a quick online search or simply walk into any bank and ask for their rates. Be sure to talk to many banks before committing to one account. Great deals are out there, without savings accounts, banks would go broke! They need our money, so find the bank that is most serious about helping you because you helped them. Find the best savings account today!
Make Money Online (Without Spending a Dime)
Even with no product and no website,
you can get paid for what and who you know
·
Making money online used to pretty much require you to have your own Web site, products to sell and some marketing savvy. But a new generation of dot-coms have arisen that will pay you for what you know and who you know without you having to be a web designer or a marketing genius.
But it's hard to tell hype from the real deal. I did a search on "make money online" and "making money online", and much of the information out there is just promoting various info products, mostly about Internet marketing. I see why people sometimes ask, "Is anyone making money online besides Internet marketing experts?"
So I put together a list of business opportunities with legitimate companies that:
· Pay cash, not just points towards rewards or a chance to win money
· Don't require you to have your own Web domain or your own products
· Don't involve any hard-selling
· Aren't just promoting more Internet marketing
· Give a good return on your time investment
In the interest of objectivity, none of the links below are affiliate links, and none of them have paid or provided any other consideration for their presence here. These are legitimate companies with business models that allow you to get paid for a wide range of activities.
Help friends find better jobs.
Sites like ReferEarns, Zyoin, Who Do You Know For Dough?, Bohire and WiseStepp connect employers with prospective employees, many of whom are already employed and not actively job-hunting, via networking - the people who know these qualified candidates. Rewards for referring a candidate who gets hired range from $50 on up to several thousand dollars - not chump change. If you know a lot of job-seekers (and who doesn't these days?), this is a great way to break into the recruiting business with no overhead.
Connect suppliers with buyers.
Referral fees are a common practice in business, but they haven't been used much in online networking sites because there was no way to track them. Sites like Salesconx, InnerSell and uRefer now provide that. Vendors set the referral fees they're willing to pay (and for what), and when the transaction happens, you get paid. uRefer also allows merchants to set up referral programs for introductions and meetings, as well as transactions.
Write.
A growing number of sites will pay for your articles or blog posts. Associated Content and Helium will "pay for performance" based on page views for just about anything you want to write about. Articles on specific topics they're looking for can earn direct payments up to about $200. The rates are probably low for established writers, but if you're trying to break into the field and have time on your hands, they're a great way to start. Also, a lot of companies are looking for part-time bloggers. They may pay per post or on a steady contract. Our Weblogs Guide posts blogging jobs weekly in the forum.
Start your own blog.
You don't have to have your own Web site, or install blogging software, or even figure out how to set up the advertising. At Blogger you can set up a blog for free in less than five minutes without knowing a thing about web design, and Blogger even automates setting up Google AdSense so you can make money off your blog by displaying ads and getting paid when people click on the ads. To make even more money from it, set up an affiliate program (see below) for books, music, etc., and insert your affiliate links whenever you refer to those items. You'll have to get a lot of traffic to become a six-figure blogger, but pick an interesting topic, write well, tell all your friends, and you're off to a good start.
Related: Monetizing Your Blog
Create topical resource hubs.
Are you an expert on a particular niche topic? Can you put together an overview of the topic and assemble some of the best resources on the topic from around the web? Then you can create topical hubs and get paid through sites like Squidoo, HugPages and Google Knol. Payments are based on a combination of ad revenue and affiliate fees. You'll get higher rates doing it on your own, but these sites have a built-in supply of traffic and tools to make content creation easier.
Advertise other people's products.
If you already have a Web site or a blog, look for vendors that offer related but non-competing products and see if they have an affiliate program. Stick to familiar products and brands - they're easier to sell. To promote those products:
· Place simple text or graphical ads in appropriate places on your site
· Include links to purchase products you review or recommend in a blog, discussion forum or mailing list you control
· Create a dedicated sales page or Web site to promote a particular product
They all work - it just depends on how much time you have to spend on it and your level of expertise with Web design and marketing.
Microstock photography.
You don't have to be a professional photographer to sell your photos for money. People are constantly in need of stock photography for websites, presentations, brochures and so on, and are willing to pay for the right image. People generally search for images on stock photography sites by keywords, not by photographer, so you have the same chance as anyone else of having your image picked. Just be careful that you don't have images of trademarked brands, copyrighted art or people's faces that are readily identifiable (unless you have a model release), but just about anything else is fair game, and I promise - you'd be amazed what people need pictures of, so don't make any assumptions. If it's a decent photo, upload it. Some sites to get you started include Fotolia, ShutterStock, Dreamstime and iStockphoto. The great thing about this is that it's truly "set it and forget it".
The above list is by no means comprehensive, but it highlights some of the new and interesting ways to make money online without investing any money, without having a product of your own, and without having expert sales and marketing skills. Most of all, unlike taking surveys or getting paid to read e-mail, the potential return on your time investment is substantial.
How to GROW Rich Without A Lot Of Money
User-Submitted Article
Want to grow rich over time but don't make a lot of money? Well look no further, this article will give you tips and advice on how to end up with a lot of money even with a regular job.
Difficulty: Moderately Challenging
Instructions
Things You'll Need:
· A plan
· Persistence
· Discipline
1.
You simply must be disciplined with your money. I cannot stress how important this step is. You have to spend less money than you make. You should be striving to put as much money away for your future as possible, ideally 10-15% of your salary.
2.
If you do not already do so, sign up for your 401K at your job and max out your contributions every year. Put as much money as you can into your account as you can every year.
3.
Open your own retirement account for you to put money into. The best choice would be to open up an IRA or Roth IRA and invest aggressively in this account.
4.
Protect some of your assets by investing in more stable investments like gold and treasury bonds. You want to have some money in these types of investments to protect some of your assets.
5.
Look to create as much passive income as you can for yourself. You want to strive to have investments like real estate, royalties, inventions, websites, and products, all of which earn you money every month.
Tips & Warnings
These tips will help you grow rich over time even
if you don't make a lot of money.
Just stay disciplined and focused on the goal.
BONDS
One of the best ways to protect and invest your money is to buy bonds. In some cases, buying bonds can provide better security and higher rates of return than buying stock. In general, they are an important part of your portfolio in both down markets and up markets.
Not all bonds are the same and most will vary in risk and return. Determining which bonds to buy and how many to own can be quite daunting. Follow these steps to ensure you buy the right bonds and maximize your investment returns.
Make sure to click on the links within each step. They will help you learn to invest and become wealthy.
Not all bonds are the same and most will vary in risk and return. Determining which bonds to buy and how many to own can be quite daunting. Follow these steps to ensure you buy the right bonds and maximize your investment returns.
Make sure to click on the links within each step. They will help you learn to invest and become wealthy.
Difficulty: Moderately Easy
Instructions
1.
Learn More About Bonds
When you buy bonds you are loaning money to a company. In return, that company pays you interest on the amount you let them borrow. At the end of the loan period they will give back the full amount they borrowed.
The amount of interest you get paid varies for each bond. Some bonds pay 10-15% a year; other bonds may only pay 1-4%.
For example, you buy a bond for $1000 dollars at an interest rate of 10%. The bond matures in 10 years. The company will pay you 10% ($100) a year, for ten years. At the end of the tenth year they will return the $1000 you originally gave them. Your total earnings is $1000 dollars!
Simple math, the interest for 10 years is $100 per year multiplied by 10 years = $1000 bucks.
When you buy bonds you are loaning money to a company. In return, that company pays you interest on the amount you let them borrow. At the end of the loan period they will give back the full amount they borrowed.
The amount of interest you get paid varies for each bond. Some bonds pay 10-15% a year; other bonds may only pay 1-4%.
For example, you buy a bond for $1000 dollars at an interest rate of 10%. The bond matures in 10 years. The company will pay you 10% ($100) a year, for ten years. At the end of the tenth year they will return the $1000 you originally gave them. Your total earnings is $1000 dollars!
Simple math, the interest for 10 years is $100 per year multiplied by 10 years = $1000 bucks.
2.
Diversify Your Bond Portfolio
Buy bonds from different companies and municipalities. Buying bonds is much like buying stock; you need to diversify to avoid risk. Invest in municipal bonds, treasury bonds and investment grade corporate bonds.
Buy bonds from different companies and municipalities. Buying bonds is much like buying stock; you need to diversify to avoid risk. Invest in municipal bonds, treasury bonds and investment grade corporate bonds.
3.
Buy Foreign Bonds
Don't forget about foreign bonds. They are an important part of your investment portfolio. The easiest way to invest in foreign bonds is to buy Exchange Traded Funds (ETF) or mutual funds that focus on buying foreign bonds. Foreign bond funds often provide exceptional returns.
Don't forget about foreign bonds. They are an important part of your investment portfolio. The easiest way to invest in foreign bonds is to buy Exchange Traded Funds (ETF) or mutual funds that focus on buying foreign bonds. Foreign bond funds often provide exceptional returns.
4.
Buy Bonds For The Short Term; Not The Long Term!
Bond prices are inversely related to interest rates. If interest rates go up bond prices go down and if interest rates go down bond prices go up.
What does this mean to you? If you buy a $1000 bond today that earns you 5% you earn $50 dollars a year. If the next year interest rates go up, similar bonds will offer higher interest rates, say 10%. The bond you bought will be paying $50 when you could be buying a new bond paying $100 or 10%.
To avoid loosing out on these types of opportunities, buy bonds for the short term.
Bond prices are inversely related to interest rates. If interest rates go up bond prices go down and if interest rates go down bond prices go up.
What does this mean to you? If you buy a $1000 bond today that earns you 5% you earn $50 dollars a year. If the next year interest rates go up, similar bonds will offer higher interest rates, say 10%. The bond you bought will be paying $50 when you could be buying a new bond paying $100 or 10%.
To avoid loosing out on these types of opportunities, buy bonds for the short term.
5.
Quick Tip
If you can't decide on a good mix of bonds, trying using this model to determine a safe blend of bonds to purchase: 30% Municipals, 20% Treasuries, 20% Foreign and 30% Corporate Bonds.
If you can't decide on a good mix of bonds, trying using this model to determine a safe blend of bonds to purchase: 30% Municipals, 20% Treasuries, 20% Foreign and 30% Corporate Bonds.
Tips & Warnings
· Your Portfolio shouldn't consist of just bonds.
· Buying stocks is equally important as buying bonds.
TWO EQUAL EQUATION THAT LEAD TO
FINANCIAL SUCCESS
· Income – Expenses – surplus
· Surplus x Many years = Wealth
LEARN TO GROW YOUR NET WORTH
By
GEORGE E.N.
Two Simple Equations that Lead to Financial Success
Last night I spoke to several hundred people on the basics of personal finance success. The following post is a summary of my opening comments. If you enjoy it and would like to receive free, daily suggestions on how to grow your net worth, you can subscribe to Free Money Finance using your feed reader and this link.
Nigerians today are in need of financial help. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why. Ok, actually I can, but it is still puzzling to me that so many people are having so many financial problems when the keys to success are so simple. And this was BEFORE the economic downturns too, so don’t think people are in trouble only because of a poor economy. Granted, the slump hasn't helped, but things were bad before things were really bad.
How bad are they? According to a survey of 5,000 people highlighted in the book The Difference: How Anyone Can Prosper in Even The Toughest Times
by Jean Chatzky, 54% of People live paycheck-to-paycheck, barely getting by, and are one financial problem away from money trouble. Another 15% are what the survey calls Further-in-Debtors – people who are going backwards financially every month. So between these two groups – almost 70% of people are either struggling or going backwards financially.
by Jean Chatzky, 54% of People live paycheck-to-paycheck, barely getting by, and are one financial problem away from money trouble. Another 15% are what the survey calls Further-in-Debtors – people who are going backwards financially every month. So between these two groups – almost 70% of people are either struggling or going backwards financially.And what makes these results so perplexing is the fact that the principles to succeed in managing your money are pretty simple. They are both easy to understand and few in number. You don't have to be Einstein to succeed financially -- anyone with normal intelligence and a bit of self-control can prosper.
You have probably heard of the 80/20 rule, right? Also known as the pareto principle, it states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes. In finances that would equate to getting 80% of the results out of 20% of the advice or tips. But in money management, the rule is more like 90/10 or even 95/5. Following a few steps will get you almost all the results you need (and certainly enough results to make you wealthy.)
Personal financial success ultimately comes down to two very basic financial equations. There’s no doubt about it – if you master these two equations alone, you will become wealthy and be far ahead of most People:
- Income – expenses = surplus
- Surplus x many years = wealth
Yep, that’s it. It seems pretty simple, doesn’t it? In fact, these seem to be “common sense.” But remember that these are two equations that 70% of People can’t get right.
If you look at these equations, you’ll see that all efforts to improve your finances come down to two things: increasing your income or decreasing your expenses. The more you do of each of these, the better.
So why can't most people get these two equations to work in their favor? Many would say it's simply because they don't earn enough money. And for a small portion of the population, this is the reason. But the survey above also identified why so many people are in tough financial shape: they spend too much. They can't control themselves and they simply over-spend. So they live paycheck-to-paycheck or worse, are falling more behind every month.
I've covered all this information previously when I wrote How to Be at the Bottom of the Financial Barrel. I also posted thoughts from the book above on What Makes Wealthy People Wealthy, The Difference Between the Wealthy and Everyone Else, and How to Be Financially Comfortable. But for those of you who don't want to read all those articles, here's the short version of how to be financially successful:
- Spend less than you earn (the bigger the [positive] gap between the two, the better)
- Do it for a long time
And for those of you who want a ton of suggestions on how to make and save more money, check out Thousands of Ways to Make and Save Money.
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Do Financial Journalists Really Know Anything?
Call me picky, but articles like this rub me the wrong way. In particular, get this quote:
For those of you making more than $250,000, I regret to inform you yet again: Yes, you are indeed rich—any way you slice it.
Well, not exactly. And it makes me want to read nothing else this guy has to say. Why? Because he doesn't understand the difference between income and wealth (or "being rich.)
Now I understand the point he's trying to make -- that if you earn $250,000 per year, you are among the top earners in this country. So why doesn't he say that? No, he has to say that because you're making $250OOO a year you're rich. The term "rich" means "wealth" or, in personal finance terms, "net worth." And as we've seen over and over and over again, just because someone has a high income doesn't mean they are wealthy.
Sure, someone with a high income has more potential to become wealthy, but potential often counts for zilch.
In short, "income" and "wealth/rich" are two different things, any anyone who writes a snaky, opinionated piece on how they are the same, needs to check his facts a bit more before he gets published in Newsweek.
I'm already suspicious of most of the TV, print, and web "reporting" that I see, and this piece is simply another reason I'm getting more and more leery every day.
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·
Why a High Income Often Doesn't Translate into a High Net Worth
Here are some interesting thoughts from Stop Acting Rich: ...And Start Living Like A Real Millionaire on why a high income doesn't often translate into a high net worth:
on why a high income doesn't often translate into a high net worth:Within the high-income population, occupational status is negatively correlated with net worth. How can this be possible, given the fact that people with high occupational status tend to generate high incomes? The reality is that income is not wealth. Often high occupational status dictates high consumption. What if you live in or even near a geographically defined high-consumption environment? It is where most people with high occupational status live. In such environments, it is easy to deplete even substantial income through consumption. It costs a great deal to live among those clusters of people who have high incomes and high status. Call it high overhead.
A few thoughts on these comments:
1. They detail a few pages later in the book what "high occupational status" means but the short version is that it's those occupations that society tends to associate being "upper class." Examples: Doctors, lawyers, business executives. Non-examples: farmers, mining engineers.
2. I've covered this topic over and over but I'm doing so again because I am still getting comments like, "Yeah, but doctors earn more, so they have more potential to be wealthy" and "I know a doctor/lawyer that makes a great income and is very wealthy, so I'm not sure these conclusions are right." I guess I have not been clear before on what the author is saying, so let me try and be so now:
· Just because someone earns a high income doesn't mean they have a high net worth. How can this be? Because they spend all they make and even more. It's that simple.
· Yes, maybe a higher-income person has more POTENTIAL to be wealthy, but if they never capitalize on that potential, they will never become wealthy. The proof's in the pudding as the old-scholars used to say. Potential doesn't show up on a net worth statement.
· The author is not saying that every doctor/lawyer/high income earner is spending all they make and more and/or not generating a high net worth. That would be ridiculous since we all probably know (or think we do at least) exceptions to the rule. But he's saying that it's GENERALLY true (or true ON AVERAGE, if you prefer) that those with higher occupational status/income don't generate high net worth.
3. One of the main reasons those with high incomes spend all of what they make and thus don't grow their net worths is that they live in expensive homes in expensive neighborhoods and they try to keep up with their neighbors (that have expensive tastes.) If you want to grow your net worth, live in a house that's far below what you can afford. Note that I'm not saying "live in a dump." In the book, they talk about the fact that most millionaires live in a home that's worth $300,000 or less. In most of the country, that buys you a pretty nice place (I realize, $300,000 in NYC or LA is "a dump", but that's a choice you make by living there. And don't say "well I earn more than enough to compensate for the high cost of living." If you look at the facts, this argument does not pan out (on average.))
4. In the end, it's all simple math. No matter how much you make, you have to spend less than that if you want to grow wealth. Turns out that people that make a lot of money are no better (and may be worse) at controlling their spending than the average guy making an average wage. The former may make a bundle, but he spends it all and is no better off financially (though maybe he has more "stuff" than the other guy). The latter spends less than he earns and grows wealthy. Again, pretty simple concept.
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The Worst Money Stories I've Heard
About 15 years ago or so my wife and I became financial "coaches" for a church-based organization designed to help people having financial trouble. Through the year's we've probably helped a couple hundred people/couples manage their finances -- mostly simple stuff like setting up a budget and working to pay off (usually high) debt (mostly credit card debt.)
Over those years we've seen and heard some pretty strange stuff (as you might imagine.) I thought I'd share a few of the more unusual stories that have stuck in my mind. Here goes:
- As we were digging through one couple's finances with them, we kept finding new purchases they had made and owed money on and yet had neglected to put into their budget (this happens a lot -- we usually have to ask "is this everything" several times in a meeting.) After putting the pieces together, we found out that this couple had $50,000 in credit card debt, had another $50,000 or so debt in a business gone bad, and that the husband had lost his job a month earlier. "Oh, and after I lost my job I bought a new boat," the husband told us. "You WHAT????????????" was the only response we could eek out to the "I bought a boat" cherry on top of the mountain of bad financial moves.
- After we had discussed the difference between needs (I have to have it to survive -- food, clothing, shelter), wants ("I'd really like a new TV"), and desires ("I'd like a new 52 inch state-of-the art LED TV with 500 cable channels and the ability to beam down graphic images from NASA") with one couple, we then spent 15 minutes trying to convince the wife that her weekly $50 pedicure was NOT a need (and showing her how much it was costing them.) Mind you she had no medical reason for this -- but she insisted that she had to have a pedicure every week at the cost of $50 a pop. Ok with us, but it was a $2,600 annual cost that wasn't really a "need" in any way we could see it.
- I got a call one day from a guy I'd never heard from before. He wanted me to meet him at the courthouse in a couple hours and speak during his bankruptcy hearing. I had no idea what he wanted me to say, but I declined as you can imagine. I did offer to meet with him later in the week to work out a budget and get his finances back on track. He declined, as you can imagine.
- One guy came to us making $130,000 a year, but he was spending even more -- much more actually -- than what most people would consider to be a very high income. When we suggested that maybe his four high-end cars (BMWs and Mercedes) -- all leased for each member of the family (him, his wife, and two kids) -- were killing him, he blew us off. Nope, he had to have those and we needed to cut elsewhere. Ok, how about the expensive vacations he was taking each year. Nope, couldn't cut those either. How about the over-the-top clothing spending the whole family enjoyed? Nope, couldn't cut there either. In the end, he wasn't willing to cut any spending but wanted to balance his budget. We left the meeting two hours later -- us frustrated that he couldn't do simple math (spending more than he earned) and him frustrated that we couldn't solve his problems quickly, simply, and with no changed spending habits on his part.
I tell you these stories not only for your amusement, but to also let you know that I've "seen it all" (or at least a very large part of "all".) Many of my thoughts/comment/posts on this site are a reflection of what I've seen in people's finances over a long period of time. And believe me, what I've seen is usually pretty scary!
Stars Who Have Lost Fortunes
Here's a list of stars who have lost fortunes. Or, in other words, people who have earned a ton of money, spent all of it and more, and are now in financial trouble. They list 19 celebrities in total, and here are some of the highlights:
- Nicolas Cage - In response to the suit, Levin maintains that Cage brought about his own financial ruin by living above his means, and that he had warned the actor to scale back his lavish lifestyle. The actor's purchases included said castles, 15 palatial homes, a large collection of yachts and a fleet of Rolls Royces.
- Joe Francis - The 'Girls Gone Wild' creator reportedly owes over $34 million in back taxes. Francis tells TMZ that the feds have frozen his various accounts amounting to more than $100 million and that he's planning to file for personal bankruptcy ASAP.
- Mike Tyson - The famous boxer reportedly earned $300 million in his career, but it wasn't enough to support a lavish lifestyle that famously includes pet tigers. He filed for bankruptcy in 2003, owing $27 million.
- Kim Basinger - Alec Baldwin's ex came across financial problems after reportedly buying the town of Braselton, Georgia for $20 million, then selling it for $1 million. Basinger filed for bankruptcy in 1993 when a judge ordered her to pay Main Line Pictures $8.1 million after backing out of a commitment to star in 'Boxing Helena.'
Other stars profiled include Lorraine Bracco, Randy Quaid, Don Johnson, Michael Jackson, Dorothy Hamill, Gary Coleman, Corey Haim, Burt Reynolds, Meat Loaf, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Wayne Newton, Mickey Rooney, MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Donald Trump.
To be fair, not all of the financial problems noted in this series were due to overspending. Some were simply poor management (like trusting the wrong person -- a crook in most cases) or business deals gone bad. And some of these people have popped back as well and are now doing fine. For instance, Trump seems to have fully recovered (and more) from his financial troubles.
That said, many in this group simply spent more than the tremendous amounts they earned. I know, it's hard to believe, but it can be done -- and they're proof of it.
I know I've said it a million times, but let's go for a million and one: if you earn a ba-zillion dollars and spend a ba-zillion and one dollars, you're going backwards financially. That's why I list spend less than you earn as my best piece of personal finance advice.
Mindless Spending 2: You'll Get By with a Little Help from Your Friends
The following is a guest post from Marotta Wealth Management.
Both mindless eating and mindless spending rely on our subconscious need to follow scripts to pace our consumption. Community plays a huge role in regulating our financial destiny--either a path of savings that builds real wealth or a path of spending that leads to impoverishment.
In one study cited in Brian Wansink's book "Mindless Eating," people were invited several times to a lunch of pizza, cookies and soft drinks. They were watched both eating by themselves as well as in groups of four or eight. When the subjects ate alone, researchers used a baseline that allowed them to categorize people as typically light or heavy eaters. Interestingly, when people dined in the groups, the quantity they ate changed.
Light eaters ate more in a group, and heavy eaters ate less. Both kinds of eaters conformed somewhat to the average pace and quantity of the group's consumption. Mindless spending works the same way.
If you tend to be a conservative spender, shopping in a group can easily entice you to buy more than you would normally. Conversely, if you have trouble saving money, taking along a frugal friend will help you resist. In fact, following the lead of penny-pinching friends or family can help you evaluate your own lifestyle and change the way you view money.
Millionaire couples may have very little in common except that they all answer "yes" to these three questions: "Are you frugal? Were your parents frugal? Is your spouse even more frugal than you are?" A culture of frugality builds a lifestyle of wealth. You subconsciously learn an appropriate lifestyle from those around you.
My wife and I formed our spending habits right out of college. Our first community of friends earned very little. Their lifestyle made even ordering pizza an extravagance. Combined with the example of my parents' depression-era thrift, we started saving and investing early.
In contrast, if your parents golf at Farmington or play tennis at the Boar's Head Country Club, you may struggle to maintain a frugal lifestyle. If your friends live rich, you will too. Your spending scripts will be based on comfort and convenience. You will get the deluxe model with all the features. And you will invariably buy the added service, protection and accessories.
Spending money just to socialize with friends is an especially common trap. Teenagers who work all day for minimum wage and then go out for dinner and a movie can easily end the day having spent more than they earned. Meals out in expensive restaurants with elaborate appetizers, drinks and desserts add both to the bottom line as well as to your waistline. Consider inviting friends over for potluck and a game night, and everyone might afford to send their children to college.
Spending money is contagious. If you go to the mall and a friend is hunting for the perfect purchase, it's easy to get caught up in the excitement. If you want your turn in the spotlight, you have to be shopping as well. Even if what you buy is small, the expense still depletes your finances.
And if you don't spend money or you resist going to the fancy restaurant or the full-priced movie, you risk being perceived as cheap. You may even worry that your friends won't invite you because you spoil the party.
By voicing your concerns, however, you may allow others to agree without feeling as uncomfortable. Truth be told, the person most worried about the expense is often the most secure financially. After all, wealth is what you save, not what you spend. And if your friends won't adjust to help you meet your financial goals, maybe you need different friends.
A life of country clubs, facials and galas will obligate you to spend money. If your social life includes such activities, budgeting will be difficult. Your financial stability may ultimately require developing relationships with people who are more fiscally conservative. It's your choice either to live rich or actually be rich.
Spending habits begin very early as we follow the lead modeled by our parents. In many homes, financial matters are a well-kept secret. Children are left to guess and infer from their elders actions and cryptic remarks. As a result many children learn habits that threaten their ultimate happiness and success.
George Kinder, author of "The Seven Stages of Money Maturity," asks his clients to write an autobiography that focuses on their relationship to money and the beliefs they have acquired. This exercise can help you examine your ingrained assumptions about money. Belief is powerful. As people think, so they will act.
And if everyone around you is doing something, it seems normal. Consequently, one person in a family can't single-handedly change the family's financial DNA. Deeply entrenched traditions generally will overwhelm any one family member who tries to question them.
So galvanize the whole family behind budget changes. It takes explicit communication. Children as young as four years old can contribute and learn from the process. There's no stigma attached to living within your means. If a budget isn't a team effort, then one family member will end up holding the purse strings and everyone else will be resentful.
Both spouses must start on the same page and with the same degree of humility. Every financially struggling family has one partner who believes he or she is the careful one with money and that any financial problems are the other person's fault. Most of the time, this generalization is untrue. It is relatively easy to be frugal by comparison if you abdicate all the spending decisions to your spouse. That way you can enjoy the results of spending without any of the guilt.
Serving as a role model in the family includes setting the pace and nature of spending. Learn to regulate when and how much money gets spent. Norms are set in the trenches of everyday spending, not in criticizing the number of presents on Christmas morning.
Even the most reclusive among us relies on spending scripts and norms to regulate when to open their wallet and when to refrain. If you are happy with your spending scripts, that's great. But if you are trying to change them, you need a little help from your friends.
Behavioral changes are best reinforced when you ask everyone you know to help you make the change permanent. It takes explicit thought and energy within your social network to overcome mindless spending scripts. And it takes a consistent effort for at least a month or more before new habits begin to take root.
The task is challenging but certainly not impossible. And small behavioral changes can result in building significant long-term wealth. The reward of financial peace and security is worth developing a prudent and thoughtful lifestyle.
Another Wealthy Athlete is Broke (and Nick Cage Update)
Here are a couple related situations -- people making a ton of money, spending like crazy, and going broke. The first one is former Boston Celtics star Antoine Walker. The details:
In 12 years, Antoine Walker made more than $110 million playing professional basketball moderately well. Take away taxes, throw in some Adidas endorsement money and a "NBA Live 99" cover, and he's left with, what, $60-to-65 million?
The once multi-millionaire athlete has been pursued by multiple financial institutions for unpaid debts. In fact, according to Shira Springer of The Boston Globe, "Employee No. 8" owes more than $4 million to his creditors and is facing felony check fraud charges in Las Vegas.
Just how did he get into debt with this sort of income? He spent it all -- plus some:
"[Walker] liked to move in an outsized entourage; his mother estimates that, during his playing days, he was supporting 70 friends and family members in one way or another. And speaking of his mother, he built her a mansion in the Chicago suburbs, complete with an indoor pool, 10 bathrooms, and a full-size basketball court.
Living at the Bishops Forest condominium complex in Waltham during the Celtics season, Walker turned the pavement surrounding his home into a virtual luxury car lot — two Bentleys, two Mercedes, a Range Rover, a Cadillac Escalade, a bright red Hummer. Often, the vehicles were tricked out with custom paint jobs, rims, and sound systems at considerable added expense. He also collected top-line watches — Rolexes and diamond-encrusted Cartiers."
But Walker's lavish lifestyle wasn't all "me-me-me." He was also a generous friend and teammate who had custom suits made for coaches, routinely picked up giant team dinner tabs and, when there were funds to spare, gave to underprivileged youngsters. He was basically spending money like it was going out of style.
I think that last sentence says it all -- he simply spent way too much. Antoine Walker is another example that even if you make a boatload of money, you can spend it all (and more!). That's why you need to keep control of your spending no matter what your income. Because if you can't do that, no amount of money you earn will get you ahead financially.
And here's an update on our discussion of actor Nicolas Cage. According to Yahoo, he's had a decades-long spending spree. The details:
An article in The Daily Beast says that Nicolas Cage's recent financial problems are, at least in part, due to outrageous, eccentric spending that puts even his most flamboyant fellow celebrities to shame.
If you can dream it, Nick Cage bought it: yachts, a jet, a castle, over 50 cars, over a million dollars' worth of comic books, multiple (supposedly haunted) mansions in New Orleans, two Bahamian islands, shrunken heads that may or may not have been human, and, famously, a $500000k Lamborghini once owned by the Shah of Iran. Most amusingly, Cage spent $276,000 on a dinosaur skull in a "heated auction with Leonardo DiCaprio." And though the article has details about Cage's many pets -- claiming that he kept antidote serum on his wall for the poison of his two King Cobras -- it neglects to mention at least one: Cage's pet octopus.
Ok, this guy makes somewhere between $10 million and $20 million per movie. But somehow, he's managed to spend it all (along with mis-managing some of it -- or so he claims in a lawsuit against a former business manager.) The combination of too much spending and poor money management has now left him in financial trouble -- and yet another example of the fact that if you spend more than you earn, you're going backwards financially.
One Example of Living Paycheck-to-Paycheck
In my post titled From the Ugh Files, I asked the following questions:
How does living paycheck to paycheck happen? (I've never done it, so I honestly don't know.) Is it an ever-increasing lifestyle as salaries increase? Or maybe it's an income hit that takes away all the slack in an otherwise decent budget? Or maybe something else? Anyone have any insights here?
Now since that post, I've detailed a bit more on people who live from paycheck-to-paycheck, but one reader sent me an inside glimpse of how it happened to her. I thought the story was worth sharing with all of you, so here goes:
I knew some basics of money, but I don't remember as a kid ever really having a talk about such things or having money spelled out. My parents did make me pay for my own stuff when I was old enough for a job, including my college and wedding. However I managed it I knew enough to try and not over spend, I also grew up with frugal parents. They did not spoil us with gifts and we needed to do our chores to get an allowance.
When I was in college, I had a little savings and a combination of that, work and scholarships paid my way through College. I went to a state school and lived pretty cheaply. I could have done better on a few fronts but hindsight is 20/20. I would have picked a different university, done better about applying for more financial aid and tried for internships instead of working my summer job all through college. The go to another school option would have involved moving to another state at 18 for a year so get in state residency, probably a bit ambitious for an 18 year old.
Even though I was mostly broke but not in debt in College, I was too trusting. One of the worst things I did was my choice in relationships. I got involved with people who were not good about their money and let it affect me. I would get pulled out of my default good habits. For example, a boyfriend borrowed money from me to buy stuff for his business. I put something on my card for him (He didn't have one) at some online retailer, and for whatever reason they kept letting him buy more stuff from the number on file. Once it got to $800 and no sign of him paying me back, I called my credit card company and told them I lost my card and needed a new number. This behavior was passive aggressive, I suppose I should have talked to him about it. We broke up and most of college was uneventful.
At the end of college, I ended up getting involved with some really bad news. Talk about an 8 year old in a 25 year old body. I was seduced by someone paying attention to me, I was geeky and never attracted men. Anyway, call it whatever you will but I was stupid, I moved in with this guy because "I was in love". He was totally bad news and had the typical abuser personality (I read up on this later). Although he had a good job at the time we met, and treated me nicely he got fired soon after. Somehow things ended up being my fault and I was guilted and abused physically, mentally, verbally you name it. This guy was extremely controlling. Not only that but he sucked me dry on credit and debt. I wasn't able to stand up to him with the person I was at the time. If he wanted something he bought with my money, exactly what you were talking about a possible issue for the lower 15% with an entitlement mentality. Once when I said "I don't have any more money" after he sucked up all my savings, he said something along the lines of "If you have credit and can spend it, that is money." This guy had no credit cards of his own as you can understand from a view like that, he also didn't like to pay credit cards even though he used their credit. I HAD (past tense) perfect credit up until this time and he forced me to buy all sorts of crap.
Eventually my parents were able to help get me away from him. They got him arrested, he had some misdemeanor and they told the police where he was and the nice police people locked him up, just 1 day free from him I packed my stuff and ran off with my parents. After going through everything with him, I was in enormous debt and had a bunch of collectors hounding me. I don't remember how much debt I had, but it was over $150k if I am in the ballpark. Luckily I didn't have any college loan debt and was still able to graduate despite missing the last semester of classes. I didn't know what else to do so I filed for bankruptcy. This was 9 years ago, thankfully it is almost off my credit.
After I got back to normal, I got a job, worked, lived modestly and started saving again. I managed to save up what I thought was a decent nest egg of about 6-7k and had put 4k into a Roth in E-Trade, this was my early to mid 20's. For me, working a 30k a year job I thought I was doing great. I got involved with another guy, ended up marrying him and we bought a house we could barely afford using my savings as the down payment and as a result I was living paycheck to paycheck for years. I felt chained to the house and to my husband towards the end. Although we were not stupid enough to get an ARM, we did leverage ourselves in to a house and all the extra money went to paying the house and living. Because of this, we could not save any money and any little bump could send us over. I suppose we bought into the "you are married, you should have a house" and the thought that our income would only go up over time.
My husband was also irresponsible but not as obviously as the other winners I had picked. I'll admit I was stupid, and I'll give the warning if you want to re-post this (anon please) that who you get involved with definitely has a huge financial impact. The big way my husband was irresponsible was that he decided he hated his job, quit because he thought his boss hated him, was going to fire him anyway and decided to go into business for himself. We talked this over and I said something along the lines of "OK if that is what you feel is best and what you need to do". I also put a but statement in that that he always forgot about, which is "but we need to be able to afford to pay our bills, you need to figure out how to do the self employment and get the bills paid because I can't do it alone on my income." The result is that he sat around at home, poked at selling stuff on E-bay a little, went riding with NASA to try and convince someone to give him a region and to support the house I borrowed money.
Yelling at him about the money flow issue didn't work, telling him we needed to sell the house because of cash flow issues didn't work, begging him to get a job, do consulting, do anything didn't work. In general talking to him rationally about this didn't work, there was always an excuse. I still don't entirely understand what was going on in his head, to me numbers are numbers, if there is less coming in than going out it is a problem. Perhaps because he didn't feel it till the end the money problem wasn't real. I ended up taking the hit on borrowing to keep the house from being foreclosed but even when I was borrowing and had "money" I felt it, the debt and obligation felt like walking around with 100 lbs on my back. Some of my favorite excuses were "working a low paying job isn't worth my time", "but I thought you would make a lot of money at a better job after you finished your Masters and we would be OK." and something along the lines of "You said I could do this" in regards to quitting his job, forgetting my but about being able to afford him jobless. He also said something along the lines of I was a looser because I couldn't get a better job.
Yes, I could have done better getting a job, but as a recent college graduate I didn't know a lot of the things you need to do to separate yourself from the pack, also I was tied to a narrow location due to him and the house. I did better with a wider search, I'm in a different state than the one my former husband and house occupy. Hopefully I'll do better next time I have a job search, more self confidence and better presentation of why I'm such a hot cookie you would be lucky to have me working for you. I also realized after going through the third guy with these types of traits that I needed to do better at picking a relationship next time, I went to a therapist to help with that issue.
Although it really does not matter at this point, I derive some satisfaction from knowing I was right and he was wrong about the money part. It is cold comfort as I don't see why he couldn't do the math, we were spending more than we earned and this was bad. Honestly, living with him unemployed and dragging me down financially was the most sustained stress I've had in my life. I was constantly stressed and felt trapped by the house, that my husband was not working, and I couldn't sell the thing by myself (two to sell!). If we had sold the house when I wanted it would have been near the peak and I would have been able to afford to support us both in a small apartment. My best guess is he felt entitled to what he wanted. At this point I am truly thankful I'm divorced and without children and probably lucky he didn't listen to me. If he had, and we had sold the house when I first wanted after he quit his job in 2006 I would probably still be married to bad news.
Long story short, I ended up with a lot of debt that I have been repaying from my marriage. I divorced him after I made it abundantly clear to myself that he loved himself more than us or me, and he wasn't willing to be what I considered to be a responsible adult. After getting divorced I got my finances into high gear, I was determined to save for retirement and get an emergency fund. Two years later I have 10k in an emergency fund (liquid, once I get it o 6 mo worth I plan rolling 6 mo CD's with 1 mo at a time), 25k in my 401k from work and my poor old E-Trade account is about 2.5k after he took his cut from it. I have approximately 5.5k of the debt remaining giving me a net worth of about 33k. I could pay off the rest of the debt in one fell swoop to avoid paying the interest on the loan, but I think it is more important to have the emergency fund as a cushion. I also track my expenses in a worksheet. I bought Quicken and tried it a few times to try and automate expense tracking and will see how that works instead of the spreadsheet. I also donate some money from every pay check to charity directly through work and I donate to a local women's shelter. I have been matched up with a single woman and will be getting her gifts for Christmas. Honestly, I probably don't donate enough, I am lucky not to be in a terrible situation personally and financially.
In summary, I got into trouble because of relationships and lifestyle inflation. When left to my own devices I am fine so I get back on track OK, meaning in my normal financial habits I don't spend more than I earn.
I think I've learned from this, I live in a 2 BR apartment now that I share to try and keep costs down although I can afford a 1 BR by myself, where I live it would likely be at least $300-600 more a month for a 1BR or more depending on how good of a deal I got. I spend some of the extra money on myself and have fun, but save some of it also and use a 401k contribution to force a minimum savings every month. I also save by having $600 come out of my paycheck to the emergency fund every month. I could always do better cutting expenses, but I don't feel the need to frugal the fun out of my life. This is different than before where I felt guilty whenever I bought something plus feeling angry at my husband when I was living paycheck to paycheck. Truly, the learning that I was making me unhappy and I was letting him was great. Once I decided to take control of my life I was and have been much happier.
How to Be at the Bottom of the Financial Barrel
The past three days I've talked about the book The Difference: How Anyone Can Prosper in Even The Toughest Times by Jean Chatzky. We reviewed the 20 factors that separate the wealthy from the not-so-wealthy, have detailed who the wealthy actually are and how that got that way, and have covered the next-highest group, the Financially Comfortable, and what got them to their lofty position. Today, we'll cover the majority of people in the US -- those barely treading water financially and those in the midst of drowning.
by Jean Chatzky. We reviewed the 20 factors that separate the wealthy from the not-so-wealthy, have detailed who the wealthy actually are and how that got that way, and have covered the next-highest group, the Financially Comfortable, and what got them to their lofty position. Today, we'll cover the majority of people in the US -- those barely treading water financially and those in the midst of drowning.The book classifies these two groups as Paycheck-to-Paychecks (54% of the population) and Further-in-Debtors (15% of the population.) We'll cover each of these groups separately, starting with what makes the Paycheck-to-Paychecks what they are.
The book says that both personality attributes and financial habits contribute to locking the Paycheck-to-Paychecks where they are financially -- living from one paycheck to another, barely getting by, and one financial problem away from money trouble. This said, the book notes that the habits are the keys -- what really locks them into a dismal financial life. Take a gander of what goes into making a Paycheck-to-Paycheck person:
· Overspending is the key reason that people slip from a position of financial security into a paycheck-to-paycheck existence. It's a vicious cycle. Once you overspend, it's tough -- if not impossible -- to tap into the habits that move people into the range of the financially comfortable. Once you overspend, you cannot save habitually. Credit card debt is a savings killer, and only 22% of paycheck-to-paychecks can pay off their balances every month.
· Paycheck-to-Paychecks have investable assets, on average, of $83,000. That number is skewed by what I like to call the "six-figure Paycheck-to-Paychecks." These are the high earners who still can't seem to make ends meet. The folks who feel broke despite the fact that they're bringing in $100,00-plus a year. Fully half of paycheck-to-paychecks, however, have less than $25,000 to put to work to grow their financial futures.
And here are a few tidbits that typify the Further-in-Debtors -- people who are already in a hole and are tunneling down further:
· Less than 1/4 save anything each month or make a contribution to a retirement plan.
· 56% have less than $10,000 in investable assets.
· They're both unhappy and insecure.
· Nearly half get physical symptoms like insomnia, heartburn, stomachaches, or headaches when they think about their finances.
The book goes on to say that Further-in-Debtors blame bad luck for their financial situation. The author blames "hubris," commenting the following:
The Paycheck-to-Paychecks overspend and know they're doing something that's not in their own best interest. The Further-in-Debtors overspend without a thought because they feel entitled. They deserve the nights out, the new clothes, the latest technology. How do I know? Our research gave me a peek into their budgets. A full third devote a decent chunk of their budget to entertainment or extras -- nonessentials as far as I'm concerned. Far fewer devote any money at all to saving for tomorrow.
Here are my thoughts on this subject:
1. I often get ridiculed for saying that spend less than you earn is my best piece of financial advice. After all, the hecklers note, this is "common sense." It's not common sense for 69% of the US population!
2. Yes, if you're overspending, you don't have any surplus to help build your net worth. The only solution is to create that surplus by increasing your income, decreasing expenses, or both.
3. Notice how high-earners can also be in a less-than-stellar financial group? Yep, because even if you make $100k per year, if you spend that much or more you're going nowhere financially (except perhaps backwards.) We've profiled many of these people over and over again here.
4. On the flip side, wealth doesn't require a high income. Even if your income isn't as high as many others, you can still save if you simply spend less than you earn. It works!
5. The Paycheck-to-Paychecks and the Further-in-Debtors are doing the opposite of what it takes to get rich. Is it any wonder they are not making financial progress?
6. Interesting to see how money problems impact people's health. Maybe I should write a piece on "how to become healthy by becoming financially secure."
7. The entitlement (or "I deserve it") mentality is alive and well in the US today. Unfortunately it's invaded our government big-time over the decades and hence we overspend as a nation since everyone "deserves" certain "rights." (Certainly there are people that need legitimate financial help to survive, but this group is much smaller than the one that actually gets aid, IMO.) If the US government was a person, it would be a Further-in-Debtor. Interesting point to consider.
From the Ugh Files
Here are some statitics I found recently that give us a lot of bad news on how people are managing their money. The highlights (or lowlights if you prefer):
· 61 percent of workers report they always or usually live paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet. This is up from 49 percent last year and 43 percent in 2007.
· 30 percent of workers with salaries of $100,000 or more report that they too live paycheck to paycheck, up from 21 percent in 2008.
· To get by financially, 21 percent of workers say they have reduced their 401(k) contributions or personal savings in the last six months.
· Twenty-three percent of workers who earn six figures or more report that they have also reduced their 401(k) or savings.
· Thirty-six percent of workers say they do not participate in any programs such as 401(k), IRAs or retirement plans, up from 31 percent in 2008.
· One-third of workers (33 percent) report that they don't put any money aside into their savings each month, up from 25 percent in 2008.
· Thirty percent set aside $100 or less per month for savings and 16 percent save less than $50.
Ok, so here's what I get from this:
1. The majority of people are on the brink of big financial trouble. One month without a job and they're in deep do-do.
2. A large portion of people who make a great salary are in this boat. It's unbelievable to me that 30% of people who make over $100k (or more!) are living paycheck to paycheck. Maybe they live in ultra-expensive cities? If so, that's just another reason to move.
3. Reducing savings is never a great option. Isn't there something else that can be cut (like cable TV, expensive vacations, etc.)?
4. Obviously the economy has a part to play in these numbers since things have gotten worse since the last survey. That said, the results weren't all that rosy in 2007 and 2008, were they?
How does living paycheck to paycheck happen? (I've never done it, so I honestly don't know.) Is it an ever-increasing lifestyle as salaries increase? Or maybe it's an income hit that takes away all the slack in an otherwise decent budget? Or maybe something else? Anyone have any insights here?
The Biggest Barrier to Becoming Rich
I always like reading what Knight Kiplinger has to say. Why? Because 99% of the time, he and I are on the same page financially. For instance, here's a thought of his that Kiplinger's recently ran that I couldn't agree with more:
The biggest barrier to becoming rich is living like you're rich before you are. Why? Because all that discretionary spending -- the chic apartment, frequent travel and restaurant meals, consumer electronics, fancy clothes and cars -- crowds out the saving that will enable you to be rich someday.
He goes on to talk about how people spend so much on lavish lifestyles, then wonder why their net worths aren't increasing and why they can't even do the basics like save for a house. The reason is that they're spending their savings! Duh!
As I've said before, the first step to becoming rich is to spend less than you earn. If you can't do this, no matter what your income is, you won't be making any headway financially.
BTW, is anyone starting to connect the dots on this advice? Seems like a lot of reputable people are giving it out these days.
Another Case from the Clueless Files
Why are all these people from Pittsburgh? Sheesh, it gives one of my favorite places a bad name.
Anyway, here's a story about a couple that's been "hounded by debt collectors". Here's a quick review of their great personal finance decisions:
After paying about $12,000 -- using their savings and credit cards -- for the wedding and reception in May 2008, they settled into married life with $10 in the bank and thousands in debt. The weeklong honeymoon in Virginia Beach didn't seem extravagant compared with the exotic getaways in St. Lucia and Bahamas some of their friends had enjoyed.
After graduating with a bachelor's degree in liberal arts and $88,000 in private student loans, she took a job as a home health aide making between $300 to $500 every two weeks. She thought it would be temporary while she planned for the wedding.
Three years later, she's still underemployed. She has never made a full payment on her $700-a-month private student loan. Her mother makes the $160-a-month payments on a separate federal student loan.
Meanwhile, Mr. Obringer, 29, was laid off from his $64,000-a-year job in April. The couple has no health insurance, and they are $500 short each month even before buying groceries or gasoline for their cars.
In addition to the student loans, both of them have car loans of about $6,000 each. Mrs. Obringer has another $6,000 in credit card debt, and Mr. Obringer has about $5,000 in credit card debt, a $650-a-month mortgage and a $250-a-month payment on a home equity line of credit.
The piece is written as a "here's why we should feel sorry for this couple" sort of article, but when you look at the facts, they made some really poor financial decisions and are to blame for their own mess. For instance:
1. They spent $12k on the wedding and reception. I bet that money would come in handy now, wouldn't it?
2. Looks like the honeymoon in Virginia Beach was on top of that.
3. "Home health aide" and "$88,000 in private student loans" do not compute. She didn't match her expected earnings with the amount she borrowed (translation: she borrowed too much) and now she's in a world of hurt.
4. Ok, he lost his job -- that wasn't something that was his fault (probably, but who knows?) Still, if he was making $64k before, can't he find something for $40k? Seems like this would be better than doing nothing.
5. Look at all that other debt. Ugh -- there's no control here. They've been spending like wild.
In the end, I actually do feel sorry for them because they are clueless. Obviously, no one taught them the basics of personal finance and they are now suffering for it. That said, did they ever stop and think about how much they made versus how much they spent? It seems unlikely that they considered it at all until it was too late.
Wealth Doesn't Require a High Income
I've been reading Grow Your Money!: 101 Easy Tips to Plan, Save, and Invest, a great personal finance book IMO. Over the next week or two I thought I'd share parts of it with you and add my comments to what the author says. Today, I want to highlight a paragraph where he refers to studies about millionaires and says the following:
, a great personal finance book IMO. Over the next week or two I thought I'd share parts of it with you and add my comments to what the author says. Today, I want to highlight a paragraph where he refers to studies about millionaires and says the following:Wealth doesn't require a high income. Most millionaires don't have million-dollar incomes. They accumulated their wealth the old-fashioned way -- by living beneath their means and giving their money time to grow.
I'm a believer in this general idea (that people can get rich without a high income), but to be fair I need to point out that the statement above doesn't make the point clearly. It says that "wealth doesn't require a high income" and that "most millionaires don't have million-dollar incomes", which can be contradictory. For instance, what if we found out that most millionaires had incomes of $200,000. This certainly isn't a million-dollar income, but it is a high income. Maybe I'm being picky, but I wanted to point out the discrepancy before someone else did. :-)
That said, I'm 100% with him that spending less than you earn and giving your money time to grow are the keys to becoming wealthy. Of course it's a lot easier to spend less than you earn while making $100k per year than it is when you make $50k per year (that's why I focus so much on growing and managing your career -- so you can maximize your earnings), but anyone that makes a decent income (like $50k+) can do very well by applying the two principles above. We've seen it work again and again and again.
Why Do Some Wealthy People End Up Broke?
US News covers the recent Annie Leibovitz debt problem that I highlighted awhile back. At the end of the piece they grapple with the question of why so many famous, high-earners spend so much more than they earn and eventually go broke:
In all three cases, the celebrities in question spent far more than they earned, and eventually, those habits caught up with them. What is it is about fame that seems to render people's financial decision-making skills inoperable? Do they feel the need to keep up appearances and live the high life, even when they can't afford it? Or are they just as likely to go into debt as the rest of us, it just happens to them on a bigger scale?
I think it must be a little of both. Most people can't get so deeply embroiled in debt because lenders refuse to give them so much money. In Jefferson's case, his reputation kept creditors from coming after him, and American Express made a special exception to get Leibovitz, whose application had previously been turned down, a credit card. At the same time, celebrities live in public, and might feel more pressure than the rest of us to live large. But wouldn't it be great if they didn't, and if they showcased their frugality, instead?
Here's my take on what's going on:
1. Most of these people are excellent at one thing (art, politics, sports, entertainment, etc.) -- and this one thing makes them a TON of money.
2. What they aren't excellent at is money management. In addition, these people seem to always hire "advisors" that make poor financial decisions (usually investments) for them.
3. They think that the money is flowing in endlessly, that it will always flow freely, and they spend accordingly.
4. Then something happens -- the sports star is hurt or retires, the singer isn't as popular as before, or they simply spend so much over what they make that someone (like a bank) calls in the loans.
5. Now, they're in a world of hurt financially.
Anything I missed? Agree or disagree?
Another Story of Too Much Spending
We've covered this story a bit in the past, but it's coming up again (I heard it talked about recently on NPR). It's a classic case of someone making a boatload of money, spending it all and then some, and having tough financial times as a result. The details from NPR:
A New York-based company that loaned $24 million to photographer Annie Leibovitz is now suing her, claiming she has failed to pay the associated fees.
"She has a contract with Vanity Fair that's worth supposedly tens of millions of dollars during the course of her lifetime."
So, she has a very high income, but is in the process of defaulting on a $24 million loan. How did this happen?
Details are a bit sketchy, but here's what the NY Times has said:
Friends and colleagues said that despite her many successes, Ms. Leibovitz has been shadowed by a long history of less than careful financial dealings. Public records show that in the last two years, Ms. Leibovitz has faced tax liens of $1.4 million and two lawsuits claiming that she has not paid more than $700,000 in bills for photography services.
It's not clear what's exactly going on (for instance, she's disputing the lawsuit) but here's what appears to be the case to me:
1. She makes a ton of money every year. No one is questioning this fact.
2. In addition, she has a very valuable asset in all the photos she's taken in the past.
3. She appears to live a modest lifestyle personally.
4. Where she's not great is managing her business finances. They appear to be out of control on several fronts.
5. As such, she's had to borrow against her biggest asset to free up cash.
6. Since then, she's kept up the bad habits and has gotten into worse trouble.
7. Now there's nowhere else to turn other than possibly outright sale of her photo library.
8. Even then, if she keeps burning through cash at the rate she is, she'll be bankrupt sometime soon.
In the end, no matter what the reasons, the points remain that:
1. She has a high income and big assets.
2. She's spending all her income plus some, which is forcing her to take on debt.
3. As a result, she's going backwards financially.
The reason I bring up this story is because I often hear the comment that spending less than you earn is both 1. too simplistic and 2. not the key to financial health (they say making more money is.) While the concept may be simple, it's also a powerful one and is the foundation to solid finances IMO. If a person can not spend less than they earn, no matter what their income, they'll be going backwards financially. But if someone can spend less than they earn -- especially if they have a low income -- then they can REALLY grow their net worth as they keep spending in check while concentrating on growing their income. This is why I list spending less than you earn as priority #1, and making more money as financial priority #2.
God's Stimulus Plan and Living Below Your Means
For those of you new to Free Money Finance, I post on The Bible and Money every Sunday. Here's why.
Here's a piece by Robert Morris (author of the excellent book The Blessed Life: The Simple Secret of Achieving Guaranteed Financial Results) called God's Stimulus Plan. In it he says that for Christians, God is our source of life, not the economy, not the government, and not our money.
) called God's Stimulus Plan. In it he says that for Christians, God is our source of life, not the economy, not the government, and not our money.You can click through on the link above and read the specifics you like since today I won't be covering most of it. Instead, I wanted to highlight what he says well down the article about what you can and should be doing to get control of your finances. His thoughts:
Live below your means. Most people mistakenly think they understand what it is to live below their means, but I have news for them: Living on 90 percent to 95 percent of your income is not living below your means.
Truly living below your means requires living on about 70 percent of your income. For example, if you tithe 10 percent, put 10 percent in savings, put 10 percent in retirement or other investments, and give something in offerings above your tithes, you’re going to be living on 60 to 70 percent of your income at the highest level.
Yet rather than living below their means, many people live above them.
Because I’m a pastor and love people, my heart is burdened when I meet believers who are experiencing financial difficulties. But when I see the homes they’re living in, the vehicles they’re driving and the clothes they’re wearing, I know many of them are supporting their lifestyles by living entirely on credit. They’re digging a hole of debt for themselves that may take years to dig out of.
Here are my thoughts on this subject:
1. I love the advice. It's the best advice I can give anyone.
2. He's right about the percentages -- you have to be way under 90% to be living below your means. We are roughly 1/3, 1/3, and 1/3 -- living on 1/3, saving 1/3, and giving 1/3. It fluctuates a bit from year-to-year and it's not exact, but these are decent ballpark numbers.
3. He's also right about how many people live. They get all the toys they need -- a nice big house they stretched to get into, a couple new (leased) cars, all the electronics someone could want (big screen TV, iPods, computers, gaming systems, etc.) -- then round these out with things like full cable TV, cell phones, and nice, expensive vacations every year. Some (but not most) kick it into over-drive with something like a boat or a summer vacation home. Then when asked about giving, they say they "can't afford to give." I'm not making this up. I've counseled people and seen their budgets. I've also asked others to donate to charitable causes. And I know the comments I get here. For most people, giving is an after-thought and something done if there's anything left over after they spend like crazy (which there usually isn't.)
A couple verses to end this post. Let's start with my favorite one about spending less than you earn found in Proverbs 21:20:
In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil, but a foolish man devours all he has.
And a good one about giving/helping others (to the poor in this case) from Proverbs 19:17:
He who is kind to the poor lends to the LORD, and he will reward him for what he has done.
I Stand Corrected
Found this piece this morning that says Michael Jackson's net worth in 2007 was $236 million. So he either died wealthy or spent a TON of money in two years (who knows, maybe he had stock losses too). That said, it seems unlikely that he ended up $400 million in debt, though the piece says he had little cash on hand and was known to go on lavish spending sprees, certainly not the picture of financial restraint.
How to Spend More than You Earn When You Make Millions
Here's a story a reader sent me about past NFL quarterback Bernie Kosar and how he's fallen on tough times. Despite the fact that he's made a boatload of money, he recently declared bankruptcy. Yes, you can spend it all.
The article doesn't say how much he made during his career, but it leaves hints that show it was a good amount. For instance:
Kosar was one of the smart ones. He graduated from the University of Miami in 2 ½ years. Smart enough to help build several businesses after football, with a 6 percent interest in a customer-service outsourcing company that sold for more than $500 million.
How much has he lent teammates over the years without being repaid? ''Eight figures,'' he says.
Friends and family? ''Eight figures,'' he says.
Charities, while putting nearly 100 kids through school on scholarships? ``Well over eight figures.''
Ok, so he made enough to hand it out without much problem. But in addition to being generous, he was quite a spend-thrift. This sentence summarizes the situation:
And even the live-in maids had assistants.
Plus, he's surrounded himself with people with people that seem less than honest:
He says financial advisors he loved and trusted mismanaged his funds, doing things like losing $15 million in one quick burst. There's a $4.2 million judgment against him from one bank. A failed real-estate project in Tampa involving multi-family properties. A steakhouse collapsing with a lawsuit. Tax trouble.
And despite the fact that he's a smart guy, it seems he didn't really know or care much about handling his own money:
His finances have never been something he controlled. Dad would handle the bills; the son had to handle the Bills.
And now, to top it off, there's an expensive divorce:
He says the divorce has cost him between $4 and $5 million already.
''That's just fees,'' he says. ``And they keep coming. Attorneys charge $600 an hour just to screw things up more.''
So, despite the fact that he made tens of millions and had some good business dealings that brought him even more, he managed to go through all of it. You certainly can spend more than you earn, no matter how much you earn. This story is simply another one to add to my ever-growing list illustrating this fact.
But at least Kosar still has a good attitude and he had a fun ride while it lasted:
''Let me tell you something, bro,'' he says. ``It was all worth it.''
More High Income Celebrities Who Spent More than They Earned
Here's a new list of celebrities who spent more than they earned to add to the one I already have. Here are the highlights on this group that can't control their spending:
· Mick Fleetwood - Filed for bankruptcy in 1984. He blew millions on real estate, failed restaurants and drugs. Fleetwood estimates he spent $8 million on cocaine.
· Meat Loaf - Meat Loaf's 1977 album "Bat Out of Hell" earned him millions of dollars, but his managers were stealing most of it before he could see it.
· TLC - The album ended up selling more than 11 million copies, but it wasn't enough to save the band from bankruptcy. They were on the hook for $3.5 million of debt from Lopes' arson, Watkins' medical bills (she suffers from sickle cell anemia), and a bad record deal.
· Marvin Gaye - The Motown legend lost his fortune like a lot of dudes...in a divorce. He filed for bankruptcy in 1979.
· Willie Nelson - Long before Wesley Snipes decided he didn't need to pay the IRS, Willie Nelson was dodging the tax men.
· Cyndi Lauper - Cyndi Lauper got her bankruptcy out of the way before she made a bunch of money.
· Andy Gibb - Gibb was drug-addicted and reduced to playing gigs in hotel casinos. He went broke in 1987 and died within the year.
· Isaac Hayes - Despite the sales, Hayes' record label, Stax, was in dire financial straits and not paying him. Hayes, in turn, was not paying the bank that loaned him money.
· Tom Petty - Tom Petty's 1979 bankruptcy became a negotiating ploy against The Man.
So, what are the few factors that killed these people's net worths? A summary:
1. Bad decisions. Doing drugs and trying to cheat the IRS are not good net-worth-building moves.
2. Poor relationships. Divorces, setting boyfriend's home on fire, etc. is usually not a pathway to financial success.
3. Trusting the wrong people. If you make a ton of money but your manager and/or record label don't manage it properly, you're in trouble.
Still, in the end, it all comes down to two factors:
1. They made a bundle of money.
2. They spent all they had and/or made terrible financial decisions that wasted their fortunes.
As I say, even if you make a ba-zillion dollars, if you spend a ba-zillion and one dollars, you're going backwards financially. These people are certainly examples of this.
The King of Debt
I really liked Michael Jackson (the younger, pre-creepy version.) His record Thriller was sensational and I remember listening to it over and over again. I think it was the reason my parents got me my own phone -- hoping I'd retreat into my room and talk to friends rather than play that record for the 17th straight time that day. :-)
Unfortunately, we all know how the story progressed from that time. So much talent. So much strangeness. Such a waste. And such a mountain of debt.
How much did Michael Jackson owe? A boatload according to Fox News:
Yet after selling more than 61 million albums in the U.S. and having a decade-long attraction open at Disney theme parks, the "King of Pop" died Thursday at age 50 reportedly awash in about $400 million in debt, on the cusp of a final comeback after well over a decade of scandal.
$400 million in debt. That's a hefty sum for someone who sold a ba-zillion records, owned rights to the Beatles' songs, and had a 2,500-acre primo home in California.
How could someone with so much spend it all PLUS another $400 million? Easy. He simply spent more than he earned. Like I say, even if you make a ga-zillion dollars, if you spend a ga-zillion and one dollars, you're going backwards financially. Michael Jackson spent money left and right, as fast as he could, so that while he lived his life as "The King of Pop", he died as "The King of Debt."
This is why I say that spending less than you earn is my most important piece of financial advice. Because you can always spend everything you make and more if you can't learn to keep your spending under control. And if you can't control it, then you're not going to make financial progress no matter how much you make. There are examples on both sides of this equation: people who have a ton and still spend more than they have and people who have little and yet do very well financially. The key is always controlling or not controlling your spending.
Of course, it's best to do both -- grow your income AND keep spending in check -- but spending less than you earn is fundamental. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson's life is a sad illustration that if you break this principle, you become broke.
Best Advice for Graduates
The Wall Street Journal asked several prominent people about the best and worst financial advice they received—and their guidance for this year’s grads. Here's what each of them said their best advice was for those graduating this year:
· David Bach, author of the best-selling FinishRich books - Don’t give up if you’re not finding a job. Ask someone for an informational interview. At the meeting, get three more names of professionals to meet. That’s how he eventually landed a job.
· Paula Deen, restaurant owner, author and Food Network host - Get all the experience you can and be persistent.
· Robert Kiyosaki, businessman and author of the best-selling “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” books - If you’re going to be an entrepreneur, find a successful one who will teach you.
· John W. Rogers Jr., chairman and CEO of Ariel Investments - You want to be known as the best teammate in whatever organization you join. Look out for your teammates every step of the way. Be a good listener, teammate and friend, and live up to the commitments you make. Whatever you promise you’re going to do, you’ve got to do that.
· Mary L. Schapiro, chairman of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission - Live within your means. People need to know how to manage debt so don’t borrow without understanding the implications of the debt and how you’ll repay it.
· Carrie Schwab-Pomerantz, president of the Charles Schwab Foundation - Live off 90% of your income. Save the other 10%, first as a cash cushion. “When you’re young you don’t need all the bells and whistles in life,” she says.
Not bad advice, huh? All of these basically boil down to two thoughts: make the most of your career and spend less than you earn. Hard to argue with those two, isn't it?
BTW, this is not only good advice for graduates, but for all of us.
Are You Tempted to Spend MORE When Money's Tight?
The following is a guest post from Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.
If you answered yes to the above question (or thought you might be inclined to answer yes, but didn't really want to admit it to yourself) you're not alone. A Stanford University study identifies one in twenty Americans as compulsive shoppers, and a recent survey determined that 80 per cent of women would go on a spending spree to cheer themselves up.
This survey, conducted by Professor Karen Pine, from the University of Hertfordshire, concludes what some of you with one-too-many pairs of “retail therapy shoes” may already know: that some people use shopping as an emotion regulator, “a way of anesthetizing themselves to negative feelings or dissatisfaction with life.”
So here's what it boils down to – some of us are actually spending MORE during this recession. Or at least, spending more in proportion to our income. In other words, if we've lost a job we may not be spending more, dollar for dollar, than we did when we had a full time job. But if you fall into the above-mentioned one in 20, or 80 per cent, you could be spending more, proportionally to what you're bringing in, than you were before we hit this financial crisis. That's sobering.
But I guess the good news is: if you find yourself wrecking the budget - or even fantasizing about wrecking it! - when you should be more concerned with keeping money matters in check, you're not alone. I'm referring to this phenomenon as a “pent up purchase.”
This type of purchasing is actually allowing us to participate in different stages of the grief process: anger and denial. Out of denial, Americans have awakened to a new emotional response to the economic collapse. We might be in denial about our financial situation, or we might be really upset about it. Either way, we're looking for a way to feel better about it. Of course, our rational, calculating minds know that the way to feel better about a tight budget is not by spending more! But in the moment, it makes sense: our addiction to spending to get that “high” is a common response to spur dopamine production (feel good hormones).
If you're indulging in spite of your budget – or worse, because of it – you may be headed down a dangerous path that will be unhealthy both financially and emotionally. Work to re-wire the pattern of thinking that leads you to shopping, opting instead for spending time with friends, trying something new like taking a class, head to the gym, or use your energies to volunteer. Work to divert your energy and attention into something positive – the possibilities are nearly endless!
How to Save $10k in 10 Months While Making a Low Wage in an Expensive City
I get all sorts of "I can't save that much" comments quite often here. That's why I post examples of how people have gotten rich (or at least well off) despite the fact that they didn't/don't earn very much money. The key? Spending less than they earned. And if they can do it, so can others (including you, Mr. Excuse-opotamus.)
Here's yet another example of how someone can significantly grow their net worth if they're willing to control their spending. There are the details:
- He saved $10k in 10 months.
- His monthly pay was $2,400 (I'm assuming this was take-home pay)
- He lived in LA, a very expensive market
Here are the steps he took to do this:
#1: I Tracked Every Expense
#2: I Opened a High Yield Savings Account & Paid Myself First
#3: I Saved on Rent & Utilities
#4: I Saved on Food (I bagged my lunch to work, I had a meal plan, I followed the deals, I ate out sparingly.)
#5: I Saved Huge On the Commute
#6: I Saved On Entertainment
#7: I Read Personal Finance & Travel Blogs Daily
#2: I Opened a High Yield Savings Account & Paid Myself First
#3: I Saved on Rent & Utilities
#4: I Saved on Food (I bagged my lunch to work, I had a meal plan, I followed the deals, I ate out sparingly.)
#5: I Saved Huge On the Commute
#6: I Saved On Entertainment
#7: I Read Personal Finance & Travel Blogs Daily
So, what's the "secret" to his success? He controlled his spending. He did all he could do to create the biggest gap possible between his earnings and his spending. Note that he didn't earn any more money -- he just cut expenses to generate the largest amount of savings possible.
But he had to make sacrifices. It wasn't easy. But he had a goal and the discipline to make it happen. Good for him.
I can hear the nay-sayers already -- "how do you know this is true?" I don't. How do you know it's not true? besides, it doesn't really matter, the point is that if you can create a big gap between your earnings and your spending, you can save a ton of money and dramatically grow your net worth.
How can you do this? For some specifics, see these posts:
25 Traits Of The Not So Well To Do
I LOVE this list from Free from Broke. It's listed as "25 traits of the not so well to do", but to me it's more of a "you're probably poor the more you do/have of these things" list. But either way, it's a great list IMO, really a tribute to people paying for stuff they really can't afford (and thus the reason why they aren't so well off.) A few of my favorites:
6) TV in every room (with cable).
11) Tons of gifts for the holidays when you can’t afford it.
13) Don’t take care of their stuff.
14) Tons of gadgets.
17) Doesn’t budget.
20) Hates job but won’t do anything about it.
22) No financial priorities.
25) No personal responsibility.
In short, this is a list of people who don't make the time and effort to manage their finances and they likely don't have the discipline to carry out a plan if they did develop one. As a result, their spending is out of control and they're on the train to financial nowheresville. Now I'm not saying you need to save every penny, but you have to have a bit of control!
It's a shame, really, because becoming wealthy (or even financially stable) doesn't take that much time, effort, or discipline. If you have just a small amount of these three, you can follow a few simple steps that will ultimately make you wealthy.
Then again, a TV in every room with cable is hard to beat, isn't it? ;-)
A Simple Example of Why Spending Less than You Earn Works
It's simple math really, spend less than you earn and you have a surplus and are growing your net worth. Spend more than you make and you're going backwards no matter what else you do. This is the reason that my best piece of financial advice is to spend less than you earn. It's also the first step to becoming rich (or growing your net worth if you prefer.)
Today we have an excerpt from Trent Hamm's free ebook Everything You Ever Really Needed to Know About Personal Finance On Just One Page that deals with this subject. It's a simple example that gets the point across very quickly:
In the end, this is the fundamental rule of personal finance: spend less than you earn. It's the one point that comes up time and time again in almost every personal finance book you read or talk that you hear.
It's easy to see it when you look at each side of the coin. Let's say you earn $30,000 a year and you spend $31,000 a year. That extra $1,000 has to be borrowed, often from sources like credit cards. The following year, in order to maintain your lifestyle, you still spend $1,000 a year more than you make, plus you spend $300 more than that just making the minimum payments on your debt, leaving you a total of $2,200 in the hole (the $1,000 extra you spent the first year plus the $1,000 extra you spent the second year plus the $300 extra you spent repaying that debt minus the $100 you actually managed to pay off). The debt builds - after the third year, you’re $3,600 in debt. It keeps growing and growing and growing until that debt is eating up all of your income, leaving you in misery.
On the other hand, let's say you only spend $29,000 a year - only $2,000 less in spending. That extra $1,000 goes into your savings account and earns 3%. The next year, you drop another $1,000 in the account and now you have $2,030 in there. The next year, another $1,000, bringing you to $3,060.90. That money builds up and soon you have a house down payment or the seed money to start the small business of your dreams - or even something as simple as the ability to easily pay for a car repair without your heart skipping a beat.
The difference between these two stories is only $2,000 a year. There are two avenues to achieving this goal: spending less and earning more. By working on either (or both) of these areas, you can increase the gap between those two numbers - and that gap is your ticket to freedom. The harder you work on either spending less or earning more, the bigger that gap will become and the quicker that train to your dreams will arrive at the station.
As I've documented again and again and again (and even more than that), these same principles apply even if you're making a boatload of money. If you spend more than you earn, you're going backwards financially -- period!
And Yet Another Millionaire Says the Same Thing
I'll probably get a ton of flack for this post (as I do on many around this subject), but at some point people need to start listening to people who are where they want to be. For instance, if you want to be a millionaire (or multi-millionaire), who do you listen to, someone who's not even close to that goal or someone who's already surpassed it and knows what works? Seems like the answer to that is pretty clear to me.
That's why I loved this post -- it's an interview with a real life millionaire -- someone who isn't speculating on how to get rich, but someone that is already rich. It's really great stuff IMO.
And just to set the scene, this guy never made a bundle of money. He was a shop teacher at a junior high school, a carpenter, and worked in the juvenile court system. Certainly not a recipe for making a fortune. Sure, his family was rich, but there's no indication he got any of that wealth. Nope, he just applied simple principles over time and became rich. Oh, and he retired at the age of 58.
What's his advice for becoming a millionaire? Here are the highlights -- all quotes from this man:
· The real secret is to spend less than you earn. I don’t care how much you earn, you spend less than you earn. Spend less than you earn. This is true whether you’re on welfare or a millionaire.
· No smoking or alcohol consumption. This has nothing to do with morals and health — okay, maybe health — it’s all about the money.
· No-load mutual funds are the only way to go. To give anybody 3-4% of your money off the top is insane.
· Volunteer to help others.
· I can buy whatever I want. Not need, but want. I just don’t want very much.
· Wealth is created by investing money, not by working longer and harder.
He also shares various ways to save money. It's obvious that he's frugal, and that he's built his wealth from simply making sure that the difference between what he's made and what he's spent has been as big as possible.
A few more thoughts from me:
1. Told ya.
2. Funny how this guy who's never made a ton, contrasts so positively (from a wealth standpoint at least, though probably in many other ways as well) with those we assume are rich.
3. Index funds are as no-load and least expensive as you can get.
4. Again, a wealthy person talks about giving back. Must be a relationship between giving and wealth, huh?
Ten High Income Celebrities Who Spent More than They Earned
My spend less than you earn category is becoming testimony that no matter how much money you make, you can spend it all. A few examples of this come from Nicolas Cage, athletes, Annie Leibovitz, and a bunch of others.
Now you can add the following to the list -- 10 celebrities who are poorer than you:
- Willie Aames
- Kim Basinger
- Anita Bryant
- Gary Coleman
- Corey Haim
- MC Hammer
- Don Johnson
- O.J. Simpson
- Mike Tyson
- Michael Vick
If you like, you can click through and read all the details on each of these, but they all have a very similar story:
1. They made a bundle of money.
2. They spent all they had and/or made terrible financial decisions that wasted their fortunes.
As I say, even if you make a ba-zillion dollars, if you spend a ba-zillion and one dollars, you're going backwards financially. These ten people are surely evidence of this fact.
Another Example of Getting Rich on a Low Salary
Get Rich Slowly points to a story of a social worker that amassed a $1.4 million net worth. How did she do it -- amass a fortune way above what most Americans will ever own while earning an "average" salary at best? A few of the details:
She drove a 30-year-old car, watched an ancient TV, lived four decades in a house bought with cash in 1969, and just kept stacking charity donation envelopes in her sun room, until, once a year, she sent them all in.
[She] saved because spending more just didn't occur to her.
She dressed plainly. She wore costume rings. She dyed and permed her own hair.
The house furniture was her parents'. She resisted replacing the old TV and icebox. And when she went out with friends, they nearly always split the bill.
When she died, coupons waiting to be clipped still covered her dining room table.
"Always, always. She'd reach into her purse, pull out a handful of coupons, and ask me where I wanted to go to lunch," said Brueggemann, her co-worker.
Buri even looked for deals within deals. For instance, she would buy five sandwiches for $5.95 from Arby's. She'd eat one and freeze the four others for later.
Nor did she deny herself small indulgences. Some weeks, she ate out three meals a day, friends said. She traveled to Europe, and to the Rose Parade in California. She bought a baby grand piano. There was nothing she wanted and didn't buy, said Brueggemann, the co-worker.
"She was frugal because she didn't need anything else," she said. "She wanted that old car. She dressed the way she wanted to dress."
There are a few things that hit me from this piece:
1. She was able to spend less than most people because she was more content with the "simple things in life" than most people are.
2. Despite the fact that she never had a huge salary (as far as I can tell from the story), she ended up with a HUGE net worth (compared to the net worths of most people, that is.) She serves as yet another example that you can become wealthy on almost any salary as long as you spend less than you earn. Of course if you keep your spending low AND grow your income, you'll be even better off.
3. Want some more examples of people like this lady? Here are a few:
You wouldn't believe the excuses people come up with for why their finances aren't in better shape (for example: they just can't make ends meet on a six-figure income and they just can't imagine where all their money goes. Well, after reading this maybe some of them will give up their excuses and start to work at getting their finances in order.
This story from the Christian Science Monitor tells of a young man who started with only $25 in his pocket to see if he could pull himself out of poverty. The details:
Alone on a dark gritty street, Adam Shepard searched for a homeless shelter. He had a gym bag, $25, and little else. A former college athlete with a bachelor's degree, Mr. Shepard had left a comfortable life with supportive parents in Raleigh, N.C. Now he was an outsider on the wrong side of the tracks in Charleston, S.C.
But Shepard's descent into poverty in the summer of 2006 was no accident. Shortly after graduating from Merrimack College in North Andover, Mass., he intentionally left his parents' home to test the vivacity of the American Dream. His goal: to have a furnished apartment, a car, and $2,500 in savings within a year.
To make his quest even more challenging, he decided not to use any of his previous contacts or mention his education.
So, did he make it? Yeah, he did pretty well:
Ten months into the experiment, he decided to quit after learning of an illness in his family. But by then he had moved into an apartment, bought a pickup truck, and had saved close to $5,000.
The effort, he says, was inspired after reading "Nickel and Dimed," in which author Barbara Ehrenreich takes on a series of low-paying jobs. Unlike Ms. Ehrenreich, who chronicled the difficulty of advancing beyond the ranks of the working poor, Shepard found he was able to successfully climb out of his self-imposed poverty.
I'll comment on all of this in a bit. For now, here are a few quotes from Shepard that are worth considering:
- I had to make sacrifices to achieve the goals that I set out. One of those was eating out. I didn't have a cellphone. Especially in this day and age, that was a dramatic change for me.... I was getting by on chicken and Rice-A-Roni dinner and was happy. That's what I learned ... we lived [simply], but still we were happy.
- I think it's the attitude that I take in: "I've got child care. I've got a probation officer. I've got all these bills. Now what am I going to do? Am I going to continue to go out to eat and put rims on my Cadillac? Or am I going to make some things happen in my life...?" One guy, who arrived [at the shelter] on a Tuesday had been hit by a car on [the previous] Friday by a drunk driver. He was in a wheelchair. He was totally out of it. He was at the shelter. And I said, "Dude, your life is completely changed." And he said, "Yeah, you're right, but I'm getting the heck out of here." Then there was this other guy who could walk and everything was good in his life, but he was just kind of bumming around, begging on the street corner. To see the attitudes along the way, that is what my story is about.
- We don't need "Scratch Beginnings" to know that millions of Americans are creating a life for themselves from nothing.... Just as millions of Americans are not getting by. There are both ends of the spectrum.
- From the beginning, I set very realistic goals: $2,500, a job, car. This isn't a "rags-to-riches million-dollar" story. This is very realistic. I truly believe, based on what I saw at the shelter ...that anyone can do that.
A few thoughts from me:
1. If someone who starts with virtually nothing can make such substantial progress, then certainly someone earning even a lower level salary can as well.
2. What's the key difference makers? Attitude, determination, the willingness to work hard, and keeping your expenses as low as possible.
3. I've read Ehrenreich's book. The difference between her and Shepard is that he wanted/tried to succeed. She wanted to fail in order to make a political statement and/or a more compelling book.
4. For more on this guy, you can read his interview at Get Rich Slowly.
For related thoughts on this issue, see these links:
Personal finance is easy. It’s simple. There is one fundamental law that governs your money. If you master this, you have mastered the entire game: To gain wealth, you must spend less than you earn.
In David Copperfield — one of my favorite books — Charles Dickens wrote:
Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pound ought and six, result misery.
That’s all it takes. Think of it another way. Think of it like an arithmetic equation:
[WEALTH] = [WHAT YOU EARN] - [WHAT YOU SPEND]
If you spend more than you earn, you are losing wealth. You are accumulating debt. You are heading in the wrong direction. However, if you are earning more than you spend, you are accumulating wealth. The greater the gap you can create between earning and spending, the faster you will accumulate wealth. There are only two things you can do to gain more wealth: spend less and earn more.
Spending less is something that you can do right now with little or no effort. Just stop spending money. Seriously. That’s it. Don’t buy things. Sure, you need to buy some things, but if you learn to pay less for the essentials (food, shelter, clothing), and if you can learn to reduce your wants, you can trim spending by a shocking amount. Learn how to shop for groceries and to make your own food. Develop a frugal mindset. Live simply.
Earning money is the other half of the wealth equation. If you can increase the amount you earn, you will accumulate wealth more quickly. Because earning money is so important, many personal finance books stress that your career is your most important asset. Your most important asset is not your house; it’s not your investment account; it is not — heaven forbid — your car. It’s your career. This is why a college education is so important: it can help you land a better job, can increase your earning power. This is why your professional reputation is so important: what your employer thinks of you, what your co-workers think of you, what your customers think of you all play a role in your success. If you treat your career like a prized possession, you’ll have greater success at finding better paying, more-fulfilling jobs.
This may seem petty or obvious. But smart personal finance really is this simple: spend less than you earn. Everything else — the paying yourself first, the investing ten percent of what you make, the emergency fund, the debt snowball — everything else is simply done in support of this fundamental law. When you grasp this concept, most financial decisions become obvious.
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